TeenHelp - Triggering: Lost

I have lost that sense of myself;
The bursts of passion I used to have.
I lost the small moments of insight;
The joy of exploring my own path.
The persisting hope that the sun would rise
Made me keep going through one more night
Now I am old and weary; going on is scary
I want the pain to stop but I don't want to die.

When I care so hard that I am overwhelmed
I say, "I don't care at all", instead.
I am tired of feeling too unsafe to feel; If i can't be honest
I definitely cannot heal
I cant occupy space; I have to hide in shame.
Vulnerability is their target; survival of the fittest is their game.

I am being deprived of basic dignity;
Confined to a place that won't let me feel fully
In ongoing crisis, disconnecting from humanity
Betrayal strikes repeatedly
I put up a fight;
Someone, anyone. please hear me
I yell and scream, feeling such guilt
Crying for 12 hours in a row till brain fog hits
Shocked into unreality; shaken to the core
Convincing myself I made it all up
Self harming for answers, just to be sure

I'm tired of begging you to acknowledge my pain
I want to learn from this and move on from Blame
I want to live a life i consciously co-created
Surviving is rough and seems so overrated .
Any reminder I am still alive is enough to set them off
Going to the bathroom earns me the title of "low-life"
I bend over backwards to fit to their demands
I brainstorm, plan and prepare so I can bridge the gap
So i can deepen how i care and understand

It is not only a question of: How do I build a life for myself,
beyond the situation; how do I survive?
But also Why should I keep myself alive?
What's the purpose in all this suffering? Why should I keep enduring it?
What is the worth in any of this?Is running through a vicious cycle all there is?