TeenHelp - triggering:: self harm -- a poem

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triggering:: self harm -- a poem

i wrote this after my friends found out i was cutting and i had to deal with them making drama and ruining the system of self harm i had going. of course i know that's a good thing in the end, but it made a dilemma for me based on the fact that..
-me hurting myself hurt them
-hurting them made me want to hurt myself
-but if i hurt myself for hurting them, i'd hurt them even more and then hurt myself even more.

insane? yes. but that's how it was and it was awful to go through. i'm still struggling with it, but i've been doing better. for them.
what's gonna suck is when they're not around anymore, and i don't have a reason not to cut.

**************************

it was supposed to be my little secret
of rose petals on ice.
now the mere pleasure of gazing at the scars
is going to have to suffice.

i shouldn’t have had my sleeves rolled up
in front of my best friend.
because now the whole world knows my battle
but it’s not time for me to let this battle end.

i never wanted this to happen
because i never did it for them to see.
but now i have the whole world’s attention
and their worried hearts are torturing me.

so what if i did it to release the pain
i can’t end something i never meant to start.
please leave me in the shadows to heal my own mind
i don’t want you getting cut on my fr a gme nt e d heart.

i never wished for anyone to worry
i didn’t want any of them to ever care.
but now i just look like i want attention
and i can’t possibly escape from their stares.

i’m tired of coming up with stupid excuses
like, “oh, i was just playing with the cat.”
but i can’t open up, i can’t let them see
the core of where my weaknesses are at.

there’s no way i can let go of the whole tough act,
i can’t just stop putting on fake faces.
how can you expect that, when i’m still living a lie
and i don’t even know who Myself is?

so i’ll pull up the zipper to my Happy mask’s smile
and respond with “i’m okay” and “life’s fine.”
and maybe through the acting and secret bedroom tears
i can take back the bloody scars that were once mine.