TeenHelp - Triggering (SH): Destroyed.

I look in the mirror and each time I am disgusted with myself, not just a little bit disgusted with myself but like really disgusted with myself. Every inch of me is covered in a cut, scab, or scar. The skin will never be clean or clear again. It's a reminder of my past. It's a reminder I'm still living in the past. They're like tattoo's but not ones an artist has done, not colourful or pretty ones you'd get done in a tattoo studio by a trained tattooist. I did them myself, carefully carving another wound into my body another scar into my skin. Another reminder that the past is not over yet.
But unlike a tattooist I don't like exactly plan out the shape or the pattern or book an appointment with the blade. It just happens. The urge comes and next thing I know I'm destroying myself. No bookings with a tattooist or an artist needed just me and the blade locked away in the bathroom, not in a tattoo studio , just me and the blade locked away in the bathroom. Thats where the destruction happens.

Sometimes it might happen in a public toilet thats if the urge is like so strong I can't control it. And out comes the emergency first aid kit. It's not like any other first aid kit you'd expect this one contains blades, safety pins, steri strips, gauze pads, plasters and like a few other things that might be deemed somewhat acceptable in like a regular first aid kit.

But each time I destroy myself I also feel like I am making myself more disgusting, reminding myself that I am still like completely living in the past.