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Self Expression Poems, stories, artwork and similar creations are great ways to let out your thoughts or feelings. Please share your work with us here!

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Poem for my English class: Thoughts? - May 14th 2013, 01:39 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

So my English teacher decided to talk to me as if I don't know how to write or even understand poetry. We have to write a poem for a project I do not agree with.
Naturally I decided to try to make the most serious poem to hurt my soul so please tell me how to edit this. I do have a length limit, and I have already gone over it but I feel like I want to elaborate on some things but like, I don't have the length to do that (the limit is 20 lines and mine is currently 33).

Here it is :

Oh! But my tears are laced with the
salt of a night alone, yet my laughter
is ringing like a church bell on a
Sunday morning.

Beauty! That is what you are calling it.
Beauty!

Allow my words to wrap around your
cold unfeeling heart and halt the beating,
just long enough for you to panic,
such as I on a
Sunday night.

Because twinkle twinkle on that
little star, I will wonder what I am
as your kind forces leather-bound
death certificates down my throat
while I am too small to
swallow.

My future! That is what I am working for.
My future!

But what bloody hell good is a future
when that is the last thing I want?
Can no one see from the train tracks
that run up wrist and across my hips that
all I wish is to
escape?

A girl who has never known her mother's
side cowers in the corner as she is
beaten for a mistake she is unaware of.
A boy, without a chance in the world
of escaping his father's drunken
rampages.

Society! That is what is torturing us.
Society!


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Re: Poem for my English class: Thoughts? - May 14th 2013, 02:01 PM

Firstly, I like it Is the length requirement very fixed?

Ok, so pretty much need to chop two stanzas out entirely and then fiddle a little. Just as a quick go, I think it would stand alone without the last two stanzas (which are the more personal ones?)

So:
Oh! But my tears are laced with the
salt of a night alone, yet my laughter
is ringing like a church bell on a
Sunday morning.

Beauty! That is what you are calling it.
Beauty!

Allow my words to wrap around your
cold unfeeling heart and halt the beating,
just long enough for you to panic,
such as I on a
Sunday night.

Because twinkle twinkle on that
little star, I will wonder what I am
as your kind forces leather-bound
death certificates down my throat
while I am too small to
swallow.

My future! That is what I am working for.
My end!


Feel free to email/PM/VM/whatever me if you want. I'll answer as soon as I can.

New blog - http://www.trueartisangsty.com/
Trying to keep it updated more or less daily as I write.
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Re: Poem for my English class: Thoughts? - May 14th 2013, 08:52 PM

I won't try to edit it because I don't want to mess anything up with it, but I just wanted to let you know that this is really well written and I bet your teacher will like your writing style.


Do you ever get a little bit tired of life
Like you're not really happy but you don't wanna die
Like you're hanging by a thread but you gotta survive
'Cause you gotta survive
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DeletedAccount17
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Re: Poem for my English class: Thoughts? - May 15th 2013, 04:20 AM

This is really good! I agree with YoungK9 about her suggestion. Otherwise, it's great and I'm sure your teacher will love it.
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