Looking for honest feedback on this poem
 

To A One Time Love

Dear beloved; it was not to be;
Even if you had loved me;
Even though you, dear one, I loved.
Listen, for I am bereaved.
It will not take long; listen to this;
A salute to loss, not victory.

Me; I despise the love now mauled;
Ex-loved, you I once adored.
Ring no bells; it is gone
Into the abyss; love foregone.
Even there; my love is lost.
Look not; no awaiting reward.

Ruined is my once great passion for you,
And it is soon lost; sad, but true.
Naught; save for a few lines written.
And for them? Oblivion
Shall their new home be;
Inside none will give my words their due;
No worth, as valuable as a false grin.
Gone; no regret; no sin.
Home? No, simply the broken,
Empty halls of oblivion.

Re: Looking for honest feedback on this poem
 

Hey there, mate!
This is excellant! The writing structure is brilliant, and I can sense emotion in this :) you have talent!

Jay.
P.S I live up the coast from Sydney :bleh: good to see people from the NSW area around ;)
Feel free to PM/VM me anytime if you'd like some constructive critiscm for I write short stories, novels and poems.

Re: Looking for honest feedback on this poem
 

Thanks! It took me awhile to get it to it's current form :)

Haha it is pretty cool :p

Re: Looking for honest feedback on this poem
 

Yeah, I know how that feels :P I read over my first attempts at novels the other day and my jaw hit the ground, I was like 'no way, did I NOT know how to use full stops? And my dialogue? NO!!' haha, quite funny when you look back over something you consider your strengths, back then short stories were more my things, not full on novels :)

What part of Sydney you from? I was born in Hornsby and my family used to live in Chatswood but now I have no idea :bleh: cities confuse me!

Jay.

Re: Looking for honest feedback on this poem
 

wow, I really liked this! It's really well written, and hits home with me having just been through a tough break up :) I wish I could write like that!

Re: Looking for honest feedback on this poem
 

Hahaha yeah, looking back on your own writing is depressing :p
Haha nice, I'm from the Hills, but only moved here a few years back.

Thanks bellatink, and really sorry to hear that

Re: Looking for honest feedback on this poem
 

I know right?! Haha.
I live in Tweed now, but have lived on the Gold Coast for most of my life, only moved back to new south wales three years ago :bleh:

Jay.

Re: Looking for honest feedback on this poem
 

Re: Looking for honest feedback on this poem
 

Re: Looking for honest feedback on this poem
 

Thank you very much! :)