Self Expression Poems, stories, artwork and similar creations are great ways to let out your thoughts or feelings. Please share your work with us here!
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Welcome me, I'm new!
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Name: Anthony
Age: 29
Gender: Male
Location: Here :)
Posts: 26
Join Date: April 12th 2011
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Looking for honest feedback on this poem -
October 11th 2012, 09:06 AM
To A One Time Love
Dear beloved; it was not to be;
Even if you had loved me;
Even though you, dear one, I loved.
Listen, for I am bereaved.
It will not take long; listen to this;
A salute to loss, not victory.
Me; I despise the love now mauled;
Ex-loved, you I once adored.
Ring no bells; it is gone
Into the abyss; love foregone.
Even there; my love is lost.
Look not; no awaiting reward.
Ruined is my once great passion for you,
And it is soon lost; sad, but true.
Naught; save for a few lines written.
And for them? Oblivion
Shall their new home be;
Inside none will give my words their due;
No worth, as valuable as a false grin.
Gone; no regret; no sin.
Home? No, simply the broken,
Empty halls of oblivion.
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Member
I've been here a while
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Name: Jay
Age: 27
Gender: Female
Location: In the deep, dark, treacherous place called my mind. Oh and Australia!
Posts: 1,737
Points: 22,944, Level: 21 |
Join Date: August 24th 2012
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Re: Looking for honest feedback on this poem -
October 11th 2012, 09:09 AM
Hey there, mate!
This is excellant! The writing structure is brilliant, and I can sense emotion in this  you have talent!
Jay.
P.S I live up the coast from Sydney  good to see people from the NSW area around 
Feel free to PM/ VM me anytime if you'd like some constructive critiscm for I write short stories, novels and poems.
Buddy since 18/11/12 LiveHelp Operator since 22/12/12 Add me on Facebook Jay Louise Shorrock!
A whisper in the dark; is better than silence in the light. -Courtesy of your's truly. 
My blog is open to all, those whom are easily triggered avoid, it's a story about a girl and her life and how far she has come over the years. If you read it, I hope it inspires you to keep fighting and to NEVER give up!
When you can no longer think of a reason to continue, you must think of a reason to start over.
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Member
Welcome me, I'm new!
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Name: Anthony
Age: 29
Gender: Male
Location: Here :)
Posts: 26
Join Date: April 12th 2011
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Re: Looking for honest feedback on this poem -
October 11th 2012, 10:17 AM
Thanks! It took me awhile to get it to it's current form
Haha it is pretty cool 
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Member
I've been here a while
********
Name: Jay
Age: 27
Gender: Female
Location: In the deep, dark, treacherous place called my mind. Oh and Australia!
Posts: 1,737
Points: 22,944, Level: 21 |
Join Date: August 24th 2012
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Re: Looking for honest feedback on this poem -
October 11th 2012, 10:38 AM
Yeah, I know how that feels :P I read over my first attempts at novels the other day and my jaw hit the ground, I was like 'no way, did I NOT know how to use full stops? And my dialogue? NO!!' haha, quite funny when you look back over something you consider your strengths, back then short stories were more my things, not full on novels
What part of Sydney you from? I was born in Hornsby and my family used to live in Chatswood but now I have no idea cities confuse me!
Jay.
Buddy since 18/11/12 LiveHelp Operator since 22/12/12 Add me on Facebook Jay Louise Shorrock!
A whisper in the dark; is better than silence in the light. -Courtesy of your's truly.
My blog is open to all, those whom are easily triggered avoid, it's a story about a girl and her life and how far she has come over the years. If you read it, I hope it inspires you to keep fighting and to NEVER give up!
When you can no longer think of a reason to continue, you must think of a reason to start over.
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Member
Not a n00b
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Name: Steph
Gender: Female
Location: UK
Posts: 66
Join Date: October 10th 2012
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Re: Looking for honest feedback on this poem -
October 11th 2012, 01:56 PM
wow, I really liked this! It's really well written, and hits home with me having just been through a tough break up I wish I could write like that!
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Member
Welcome me, I'm new!
*
Name: Anthony
Age: 29
Gender: Male
Location: Here :)
Posts: 26
Join Date: April 12th 2011
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Re: Looking for honest feedback on this poem -
October 11th 2012, 09:48 PM
Hahaha yeah, looking back on your own writing is depressing
Haha nice, I'm from the Hills, but only moved here a few years back.
Thanks bellatink, and really sorry to hear that
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Member
I've been here a while
********
Name: Jay
Age: 27
Gender: Female
Location: In the deep, dark, treacherous place called my mind. Oh and Australia!
Posts: 1,737
Points: 22,944, Level: 21 |
Join Date: August 24th 2012
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Re: Looking for honest feedback on this poem -
October 11th 2012, 11:03 PM
I know right?! Haha.
I live in Tweed now, but have lived on the Gold Coast for most of my life, only moved back to new south wales three years ago
Jay.
Buddy since 18/11/12 LiveHelp Operator since 22/12/12 Add me on Facebook Jay Louise Shorrock!
A whisper in the dark; is better than silence in the light. -Courtesy of your's truly.
My blog is open to all, those whom are easily triggered avoid, it's a story about a girl and her life and how far she has come over the years. If you read it, I hope it inspires you to keep fighting and to NEVER give up!
When you can no longer think of a reason to continue, you must think of a reason to start over.
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Love Is The Movement
I've been here a while
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Name: Nicole (Nikki)
Gender: Female
Location: USA
Posts: 1,401
Points: 17,077, Level: 19 |
Join Date: January 29th 2009
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Re: Looking for honest feedback on this poem -
October 12th 2012, 05:12 AM
I like this, you have a very mature writing style.
"Shoot for the moon, even if you miss you'll land among the stars."
"For those who don't care, for those who can't see, never give up, always thrive to be free."
Smile, you are beautiful www.operationbeautiful.com
Blessed Be!
Nicole AKA Nikki
Artist, Poet, and Future Social Worker
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I can't get enough
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Posts: 2,854
Points: 28,123, Level: 24 |
Join Date: March 30th 2011
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Re: Looking for honest feedback on this poem -
October 12th 2012, 06:15 AM
I like this a lot, and like the above poster said your writing style is very mature I like it!
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Member
Welcome me, I'm new!
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Name: Anthony
Age: 29
Gender: Male
Location: Here :)
Posts: 26
Join Date: April 12th 2011
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Re: Looking for honest feedback on this poem -
October 12th 2012, 12:29 PM
Thank you very much!
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