TeenHelp - Drowning (a poem I wrote. Need advice)

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Drowning (a poem I wrote. Need advice)

This is a poem I wrote and I need some honest to goodness opinions. Constructive criticism is encouraged and please don't tell me it's good if it's not because no offense but that doesn't really help. Thanks do much sorry if I was harsh. :) all comments are welcome.

Drowning*

Cold
Wanting to scream
But nobody hears
Numb
Dark
Alone
Reaching for the light
Fading*
Slowly dimming
Falling
Sinking
Losing the strength
To continue to struggle
Endless darkness
Consumes the body
Fear
Lost*
Gone
Forever dark
Silence

Re: Drowning (a poem I wrote. Need advice)

I like this, too :)

Re: Drowning (a poem I wrote. Need advice)

i think this is good, but i feel that it could use more to it. the lines are short, which in some places work well, but i just think that it could use a little more meat. thats just my opinion though.

Re: Drowning (a poem I wrote. Need advice)

I like this, I can feel the emotion in it well.

Re: Drowning (a poem I wrote. Need advice)

I love the idea, but I think it needs a lot of working on (which is not bad, I just mean you can do a few things to make it awesome. :) )

1. You need to fluctuate the sentence length more. There are lots of one word lines, which is good in moderation for emphasis on the word, but it needs to have more fluency.

2. There needs to actually be more...sentences. There are a lot of just general words, sort of "main idea" words, but it makes that there is no story behind this poem, it's only describing a raw emotion, but it's hard to see anything with just these emotional words. Give us a picture.

3. A few more cliche words, you know, things that are used a lot in these types of emotions. Numb. Dark.(which you repeated once in noun and once in adjective form) I think you should find a dictionary, and really expand on the type of vocabulary you use.

Hope that helps, you're a great writer! :hug: