Boyfriend v. Religion: I need some advice.

[sheabug]

I have been dating my boyfriend for almost four months now, and things have been going well. The problem is that he clashes with my church's ideas and belief system. That is the church that I was raised in and he feels that they are wrong; he doesn't want to go with me at all and says that he will stand up and say when he thinks someone is wrong. I feel like if I stop giving him sex, he might get upset with me and leave me. He told me he wouldn't leave, but that it would put a strain on the relationship. I don't want him to leave me, because I do genuinely care about him. I'm just not sure how to make him believe that I can't stop believing what my church tells me because I've been taught this religion since birth.

[Double X]

Originally Posted by sheabug

I can't stop believing what my church tells me because I've been taught this religion since birth.

...this is why I hate religion indoctrination at such a young age

Anyways, it's not always appropriate to speak out. Perhaps communicate to him that while you respect his beliefs, he should respect yours? If you guys continue to have sex and nothing really changes, he probably won't have a problem with your beliefs because they don't impact him.

His real discomfort with your belief system is that it's putting a strain on your relationship and if you had the typical values of the average person, this wouldn't happen.

[TigerTank77]

If you love him, you're going to have to work with him.

Relationships are about compromise. You need to decide what's more important to you, without shutting out the other completely.

If he's with you, it means he tolerates what you believe to a point. That point to me seems to be participation. My ex loved 3-Oh-3, and I was fine with it, but god help her if she ever tried to get me to go to one of their concerts.

I can't really tell you what to do exactly. Sit down with him, and talk things over.

Also, the abstaining from sex thing is not something you want to force on him. If you do, it might cause him to leave. I know it sounds harsh, but it's not really his fault in that situation.

[Simplyme7]

First off, DO NOT HAVE SEX JUST BECAUSE YOU ARE AFRAID THAT HE WILL LEAVE IF YOU DON'T. If you don't feel comfortable having sex, THEN DON'T. If he is worth anything, then he will not leave you simply for that reason. If he does, then obviously you deserve better than him.

As for the relationship, it is VERY hard to keep a good relationship when you have different religions. I have seen quite a few relationships fall apart because of that. I hope that you can find a way to work through this, but if things do fall apart, and things aren't mean to be, then don't give up on finding the right person.

I do hope that everything works out for you. PM me if you ever need anything and good luck =]

[Satine]

You say that your boyfriend clashes with your church's ideas and belief system, but does he clash with your ideas and belief systems, personally? I recognise that you may take a lot of inspiration for your beliefs from your church, but are there any differences between your beliefs and theirs?

You mention then that if you stop having sex with him then you're afraid he'll leave you. This appears at first glance to be separate from the church beliefs issue. Am I right about this, or are they more closely interlinked? You described your sex life as you 'giving him' sex - are you actually comfortable sleeping with him, or is that something you're doing because you feel you're supposed to?

Certainly it sounds like your church and the culture you've grown up in matter a lot to you. But you've met with someone outside of that culture (your boyfriend and his own set of beliefs) and that's where the clash has happened.

One final question: is he more comfortable about you going to church if you don't ask him to come along? I just wonder whether some of the conflict lies in you asking him to go with you.

[PSY]

First, why are you withholding sex? Is it to punish him, or because you're no longer comfortable with having sex? If it's the former - don't do it. Seriously. Talk your problems out instead. If it's the latter, then be sure to explain why you're choosing to abstain at this point in time. Otherwise, he may conclude that you're doing it solely to punish him.

Second, does your boyfriend always feel the need to speak up when he believes something is wrong? As in, if he was with a group of friends, and he disagreed with something one of them said, would he speak up? Would he politely tell them, "I disagree", or would he shoot them down? The reason why I ask is because some people have had bad experiences with religion. As a result, they are more willing to speak up when they disagree with an idea than they would in other situations.

This is something I struggled with in two previous relationships, and the bottom-line is that you have to be willing to compromise. In this case, I think the compromise would go something like this: your boyfriend doesn't have to go to church with you, attend religious events with you, etc. if they make him uncomfortable. In return, your boyfriend needs to respect your religious beliefs and be willing to voice his opinions in a more respectful manner. My bible study constantly debates about what the Bible/God was really trying to say, so there's nothing wrong with having doubts... but it's another thing entirely to stand up in the middle of a sermon and say, "I don't believe any of this crap." There is a time and place for everything.

[The Dread Pirate Roberts]

I completely agree with Robin

[Sythan]

What religion is your boyfriend? He seems like the kind of person with an open mind. He may feel your church goes against what he stands for, I know that I will clash with anyone who says never to question authority and to follow something blindly.

[AleX-24-_-]

he doesnt have to go to church and when u get married just go to the courthouse

[sheabug]

Hey, guys. I quickly read over each of your replies, and thank you dearly for trying to help. I will talk to him as soon as I find the time, and we will work it out, I am assured.

In all honesty, I am not ready to stop sex yet...I shouldn't have used the terms "giving him" sex, because I wanted it too. It's just...it feels wrong sometimes, and other times it feels right. Often, I am completely indifferent on the subject. But when I go to my church and they preach about how sex before marriage is wrong, it all comes crashing back down. I'm not sure whether I need to tell him I want to stop, or just keep going and see where it takes us.

He is Christian, the same as me, but he was raised in more of a Methodist setting, while I am freewill Baptist. (I know; the hardcore, old people kind.) But I greatly appreciate all of your advice and will definitely take to heart the fact that I need to speak with him should this bother me anymore.

God bless.