Church

So when I was in 7th-9th grade. I stopped going when I started cutting more and more and more active in my eating disorder. I thought I was disappointing god and that he didn't want me to be there. Everyone says god only gives you what you can handle. So as time went on I got more and more pissed at him because I couldn't handle my life and was suicidal, cutting more, and more active in my ED. So I just didn't understand why he gave my all of this when I can't handle it.

Anyways I am almost 2 years free of suicidal thoughts, cutting and purging. I went to this special needs church thing and party with my special needs sister. Anyways I felt really uncomfortable and my anxiety was through the roof, even though all of it was dumbed down so you could understand it (which is helpful for me as well since I have learning disabilities as well). While she was describing the nativity scene I believe I was dissociating since I honestly can't remember some of it and was confused on when it ended type of thing.

I just want to know if anyone has experienced this or something similar and how they have dealt with it. I really do what to start going to church, but I am uncomfortable and am still kind of pissed at god. So I am not really sure if I am welcome, if that makes sense.

Any advice would be really helpful.

[*Poppy*]

Frankie, first off I am glad you got to spend time with your sister at the service.

Now, I am really wrestling with what to post here as I was born into a Cult even though as a young child I thought it was perfectly a normal thing. So I am not even 2 years removed from that situation and am still quite confused myself with religion. I do believe there is a God or a Higher Being, but my take on religions as a whole is what I am not quite sure about at this time. I know I was dealt the wrong card being born to parents who were in a Cult and what you experienced is not that at all. I think however though one thing you might consider before jumping back going to church fulltime is just chatting with a Clergy about your feelings towards God. The Clergy just might have some good answers to make you feel comfortable with God and that may make you even more comfortable attending church on a regular basis. I hope this helps a little.

[Celyn]

I think it's very understandable that given all that you have been through and struggled with, that you would feel it's unfair for people to say that God only gives you what you can handle. I'm sure that many believers will have had some doubts at some point in their life, especially when things get difficult. That said, I don't think He would be disappointed in you at all. If you want to go to church, then you have every right to be there. You shouldn't feel unwelcome because of what you struggle with or how you are questioning God (and it's okay to be annoyed at Him for what you have to deal with in life).

I agree with the above in that perhaps talking to someone at the church may ease your concerns a bit. If you don't feel comfortable doing that, then maybe you could just sit in during the services, perhaps at the back, and know that you can always leave if you feel uncomfortable.

[Tiffers95]

Frankie, I think it is a huge step that you went back to church knowing how you felt about it and God. It is always very difficult when trying something new or getting back into something that you haven't been involved in for a long time. Add that you felt sort of betrayed by God that he was giving you too much on your plate to handle.

I think this is an incredible step for you and you should be extremely proud of yourself for going to the church with your sister. Now as for the future, what you need to do is just give it time. Keep finding ways to go back with your sisters. Make it a bonding time with your sister. Talk with the Pastor of the Church about your concerns when you feel comfortable doing so, Possibly in time make even more friends at the church. I hope this may help you a least a little.

[merlinbennie]

Originally Posted by Dopey Merbaby

So when I was in 7th-9th grade. I stopped going when I started cutting more and more and more active in my eating disorder. I thought I was disappointing god and that he didn't want me to be there. Everyone says god only gives you what you can handle. So as time went on I got more and more pissed at him because I couldn't handle my life and was suicidal, cutting more, and more active in my ED. So I just didn't understand why he gave my all of this when I can't handle it.

Anyways I am almost 2 years free of suicidal thoughts, cutting and purging. I went to this special needs church thing and party with my special needs sister. Anyways I felt really uncomfortable and my anxiety was through the roof, even though all of it was dumbed down so you could understand it (which is helpful for me as well since I have learning disabilities as well). While she was describing the nativity scene I believe I was dissociating since I honestly can't remember some of it and was confused on when it ended type of thing.

I just want to know if anyone has experienced this or something similar and how they have dealt with it. I really do what to start going to church, but I am uncomfortable and am still kind of pissed at god. So I am not really sure if I am welcome, if that makes sense.

Any advice would be really helpful.

I'm sorry, I don't have any idea about that... Do what your mind say that's it

[Dawn.]

I think it was really brave of you to go back to church.
I also agree with talking to someone you trust such as your priest/pastor to let them know of your concerns - to see what they can suggest for you to do.
I don't think God is disappointed with you at all. You went through a hard time and God always looks after everyone.