birthday wishes, photographs and memories

[Starlett]

Her 28th Birthday would have been a couple of weeks ago.

I've always been of the opinion that I have a good hold an all things related to death and grieving. I was barely 10 when my Dad died, I watched my uncle bury his newborn baby when I was 13 or 14, my grandparents both died reasonably suddenly when I was in my late teens/early twenties. Of course some (or most) of these were devastating to me, but the phone call I received in August 2013 will stick in my mind forever. It was a call that would change everything my friends knew. One of the girls had died. Just like that, here one moment and gone the next. Aged 26. I didn't think death could shock me, stop me and make me feel unable to function. I thought I knew death. Her death changed all of this. The unanswered questions, the thoughts, the regrets... They will never go and sometimes it just hits me so hard in the stomach I can't breathe. It's not even two years and sometimes it feels like it was just two days ago. Then I hear all old pictures from bebo are available and I download them and realise she's in pretty much every picture with me. My best friend back then, the girl I could talk to about everything, the person I helped, who helped me - unhealthy as some of it was - we were there for each other. Things happened, we grew up, we slightly drifted but she was still always there for me, always had a smile and a giggle, always a true heart of gold.

When is this going to stop hitting me like a ton of bricks?

When I am going to let go of all the guilt I have?

[hocus pocus]

I'm sorry for your loss. Grieving takes time, and I don't think people ever finish grieving the loss of someone close to them. You were really close to your friend, and so her passing greatly impacted you. The unanswered questions and regrets you have will eat at you and I suggest either thinking of your own answers for those questions or try to avoid thinking about them. Try to forgive yourself for any regrets that you may have, because holding onto them, onto something you can't change, will only hurt you. Have you considered grief counseling? Perhaps you can look into that so you can get some support through all of this. Just remember that it takes time, so be patient and loving toward yourself.

[Storyteller.]

Hey Tal.

I think I can understand a bit about how you're feeling. I lost a couple of people in 2012, and I thought I was dealing well with that - until last year, when I got news of an entirely unexpected, preventable death. That really shook me, even though I thought I'd got a handle on the whole death-and-mourning thing.

But the thing is, every death is different. It's going to hit you in different ways; maybe because of the person who died, or the way it happened, or even all the things left unsaid or undone. It sounds like in this case it might have hit close to home because of how young she was, and how close you were.

Since it's been quite a while since it happened, have you thought about talking to a grief counsellor, or even just a regular therapist? If it's still hitting you this hard, you might find it helpful to talk to someone about it. If that doesn't seem like an option, maybe you could talk to some of the other people who knew this girl? You can check up on each other and see how you're all doing, maybe share stories or advice for dealing with your feelings.

Unfortunately there comes a time when we have to make peace with the things we'll never know. It sucks, but it's inevitable. However, there are a few things you can do to ease this feeling. For a start, you could talk to people who knew her and share stories about her. I've found that learning new stories about someone who's passed away can make them feel closer to you, and in turn make you feel better about their passing. If you know of any unfinished projects she had, maybe you could look into finishing them for her, or doing them in her memory. For example did she ever want to run a marathon, was she writing a book, did she want to raise money for a charity, was there a specific place she always wanted to go? If you feel up to it you could do something like that, to remind yourself that - as cheesy as it sounds - she's not really gone as long as there are people left to remember her.

As for when it stops hitting so hard - there's no way to tell. It will get better, though, I can tell you that much. Time does help, it really does. But even then, you never know what's going to bring it all rushing back - an old song that comes over the radio, hearing a joke she once told you, seeing someone wearing her favourite colour. But those moments will get fewer and farther between, and in the meantime you just have to do what you can in order to deal with your feelings. Write, talk, draw, paint, whatever works for you. I would also recommend writing letters to her or even talking aloud to her, to tell her the things you never got to say and maybe give yourself a bit of closure.

I hope this helped a bit, and I wish you all the best.