Say something you wish you could say to their face.

I keep replaying it over and over again. Why did that happen? Why can't I stop replaying it? Why can't I be better? Why can't I be perfect?

[Starseeker]

The view outside my window now is one of the most beautiful I've ever seen. The sky's a mixture of gray and deep blue. Swarms of snowflakes are covering the land already thick with a white layer. Bare trees are bending under loads of snow; it almost looks as if they were wrapped with tiny bells jingling after each gust of wind. Few passersby make the snow crunch under their warm boots and leave dark marks on the ground.
Not many people are going out in this weather. But I am. I don't know why, but it's like a magnet to me. I want to go outside, sit down and stare into snowflakes dancing in the air. I won't care about the cold, I won't care that my limbs are freezing and that tiny bits of ice are melting on my eyelashes.
Do you know why it's magnetic? Because I'm sad. If I wasn't this evening would look totally different. You'd sit with me here, next to warm heaters, and we would marvel at this wonderful winter landscape together.
Then I wouldn't have anything to look for outside. I wouldn't be sad. I'd stay home, because everything I need would be home.
Maybe it's happening right now in a parallel universe. Let's hope so... at least that me is probably way happier.

[London_grace]

I hate you! You are always so mean to me! Why can't you be nice.

[Kate*]

You aren't going to change my mind. Fake it 'til you make it is as bad if not worse than forcing your emotions in the first place.

I'm trying not to overthink, misinterpret, or jump to conclusions about you. I'm doing my best just to let it develop naturally.

I think this might be what I've needed to make the decision.

Maybe I'm allowing myself to be pushed too far though.

Thank you for that though

I’m not looking for you to be proud of me, all I want is for you acknowledge what I’m doing at face value. You can disagree with everything I stand for, you can fight me tooth and nail, you can yell at me if you want. But please, please stop ignoring me. I don’t push my beliefs on you, and you don’t push my beliefs on anyone else by being honest about where I work, where I go to school, what I’m studying, or what I’ve done with my life so far. You don’t have to be proud of me, I just want to be acknowledged. I just don’t want you to be ashamed of me. Please. I’m your little sister, you can’t ignore me forever.

Honestly? Yeah, this is bull crap. I know it was you and I find it comical that youre that big of a jerk

It's not that my parents have never called me beautiful, it's that I never truly heard them call me that. In my house, "beautiful" is a noun, which is phenomenal, but potentially damning to a daughter that needed to hear it as an adjective. As an adult, the understanding that my parents consider the word beautiful to be synonymous with the names of their daughters is something that brings me to tears. As an adult, knowing that the word beautiful acted as a noun my entire life is life-changing, but it doesn't change the fact that in my formative years, I needed it to be an adjective. Life has been a lot better lately. I think getting back into the routine of school and work has helped tremendously, and getting into a regular exercise routine has made me happier. I'm eating more, maybe not enough, but I'm eating more. I haven't lost weight in a few weeks (which I have such conflicting opinions of). I'm getting a physical done tomorrow, and I already signed the release of information so my counselor is able to speak with the physician about my care and treatment. I feel as if I'm already a thousand steps ahead of where I was the last time we spoke, and it's only been a few weeks. The problem is, I keep expecting shit to hit the fan. The anxiety of the anticipation of impending doom is destroying me. I mentioned to a friend of mine that I attend counseling for anxiety and depression (I didn't mention my eating disorder) and she said she never would have guessed that I struggle with my mental health. "You seem so put together" is what she said. And I guess I am. From the outside, I'm a model student that has figured out how to balance work, school, and her social life. From the inside though, everything is overwhelming and all that convinces me to keep at school is the desire to be a teacher. All that drives me to keep going at work is the knowledge that my students love me. The only thing that keeps me going for my social life is knowing that my friends would worry so much if I were to just disappear. I feel like I'm likely sicker than I think I am, because I struggle to think of myself as sick at all. But thank you, thank you for accepting me as I am and where I'm at. Thank you for not letting me settle with where I'm at and pushing me to get the next level of treatment. I don't know if I'll make it as far as you want me to, but you have played an instrumental role in getting me to take these steps. Thank you.

[Starseeker]

will any of you ever see me?

I’m not okay. My body is screaming for food, but my mind can’t give it any. I weigh too much to have an eating disorder. I’m not actually sick. I’m fine. I’m fine. I’m fine. Please, let me be fine.

[Kate*]

This is what I was afraid of, you're worse than me, you can't make unrealistic demands like that, we don't live in a world that works that way, and we can disagree, it doesn't mean you're right or have the right to shove your views down my throat until I change my mind, because it won't happen.

It’s not that I don’t know I need to eat enough to counteract a workout, it’s that I can’t eat enough. I’m trying to though.

I was trying to tell you that I’m getting medical help for my eating disorder, then you had to show me that email. Why did you think it was a good idea to show me an email of someone complaining about how many calories you’re telling them to eat? You said it’s a low number, and I couldn’t help but tell you how much more that is than what I eat most days. I didn’t mean to say that. I’m sorry.

I don't know how on earth I'm supposed to get an A in this class.

It’s fine, I know I don’t really fit in with that crowd. I would have been uncomfortable going, but it would have been nice to be invited. Please remember that we have the same title. I know I’m the Type A and organized one, but I would still like to be invited when everyone gets together. I don’t know if I’d go, but I’d like to be invited.

I don't know why you told me that. I have been struggling even more since finding out that she has that access. I can't handle not doing anything but I don't think I can do anything.

What the FUCK!

[Kate*]

I'm concerned that my direct manager has spoken to me twice in the almost 6 months I've worked there, but instead chooses to hover and then communicate through my coworkers

I don't know what you meant by that, that this job isn't good enough for you or if you think I hate it and want me to quit, or did you mean you want me to contribute so I should pick up a second job?!

Through all levels of my education, my peers have stood up for me or made sure I was okay after I was attacked or cornered by an adult or authority figure. This can't be a coincidence, can it? You all did it because you thought I was vulnerable and scared enough that you could get away with it, or worse, convince me that I was making you do it or that I deserved it. It happened enough times that I believed you. Not anymore!

Please don't notice the weight loss, please don't notice the weight loss, please don't notice the weight loss. It's slowed down, I've actually gained some back. I'm actively working on gaining muscle and I'm eating again. I know that I got too skinny (but did I really?) but I need for you not to say anything. Or if you say anything, say it directly to me. Please, please don't report it. I can't take an academic leave.

I am feeling pissed off and I am tired of that feeling. I am just waiting for the bottom to drop out and it's going to happen because of your actions. Fuck!

[Kate*]

I may regret this, but giving up on you was the best decision I made for my mental health. If you are hell-bent on living your life this way and constantly complaining about it, fine. But don't expect me to sympathize or stress out over it. I don't have the energy to waste.

And I get that the world doesn't revolve around me, but at least when I was depressed and traumatized with no life, I wasn't a constant pain in your ass.

I lied. I’m sorry.

[Storyteller.]

I don't think you realise how much effort that took for me. Probably because from an outside perspective it really wasn't much at all, but for me it took a lot, and now I just... I don't know how to ask for the support I need.

I wish you appreciated me more

I'm making bad decisions tonight, and I know I'll make worse decisions tomorrow. I should probably stay on campus with a friend because if I don't, I'm going to get really drunk in order to forget about you. I imagine you're probably also drunk tonight. Here's to us.

[Storyteller.]

I don't actually expect you to respond. You've done what so many people before you have done: outgrown me once your real life started. And that's fine. I get that being friends with me is a lot of work, and it's probably not worth it. I guess I'd just hoped you were different.

it's probably good that i deleted your number because right now i'm durnk and all i want is you.

you played such a huge role in my self destruction. why the hell do i fucking miss you so damn much????

necause i still love you.

[Kate*]

Today I created a new term for ignorant and self-righteous people like you. "Personal Responsibility Warriors" That's how much I can't stand them.

I found out who you began hanging out with since the breakup, and it makes me really happy. They're really, really good influences and I'm proud of you.

[Kate*]

If I say my disability ruined my dreams, don't challenge me to be more positive about it. I know my life, you don't.

[SkyFall]

I'm so tired of working as a kitchen hand and I'm so tired of trying to make you happy.

I lied to you, I'm not okay to wait. My health is deteriorating. but I can't bring myself to tell you the reason why. All that's been driving me to eat lately has been the fear of death. I don't think I've ever felt like this in my life. All my shitty decisions about food and exercise and purging are catching up with me. I don't want to die, and I need you to act. Please notice what I'm doing to myself. Please notice I only eat four different foods. Please notice that I'm going to the gym almost every day. Please, please, please notice that I'm not okay.

[Kate*]

This makes life so much harder for me.

I am sorry. So very sorry.

[Rivière]

After everything you said to me, I don't think I want to talk to you anymore.

You really, REALLY hurt my feelings. I am deeply disappointed in you.

[Kate*]

Apparently he's gone, somewhat suddenly. He was the only manager I didn't get along fine with. I hope you're better than he is and not worse.

I don’t feel like I’m dying; I feel like I’m already dead. But how could I say that without you thinking I’m suicidal?

[Starseeker]

You sat next to me for the whole hour and neither of us uttered a single word during this time. I must've appeared the dullest person ever to you. I wish I was better at social situations. I wish.

[Kate*]

I tried AGAIN to take care of this and got an error message, so don't give me shit about not having done my part of anything. I've only been trying for 6 weeks!

[Kate*]

I've done what I had to do and considering that no one else has been through this, they don't have the right to judge. And it's worked amazingly well, which is proof that it was the right thing. I feel bad that he doesn't understand, but I've lost count of the number of times I've tried explaining it to him, and eventually had to give up for my own sanity.