Say something you wish you could say to their face.

[Storyteller.]

I'm not in the wrong here. Don't push me.

[Kate*]

I hope you didn't take that as weird or awkward. The more I think about it, the more I think you probably did. Either way, I'll be contacting you for a recommendation at some point, so please don't hold it against me. Some days I still feel like one more meeting with you would make everything okay somehow. If you had been there for the actual end, I would've gotten that and I might be doing better now, but I'm kind of glad you didn't handle it because I don't think I could've faced you.

--You made it sound like reapplying would pretty much be a formality because I would have no problem getting accepted again. You also said that the faculty would be willing to write me recommendations for any non-counseling program I wanted. I'm REALLY hoping you didn't lie to me. I should've learned not to put all my eggs in one basket, but you more or less pitched this as my only option so if for whatever reason I don't get in, or I'm denied recommendations from them, it will be one more insult to the ultimate injury. I LOVE it there, any degree I want that I can get there, I will get there, but finding out that you lied would be too much to take.

-- You said I could contact you, I don't want to wait too long since I can apply in the fall and it's already April, but technically I've only been out 2 months of my required 12. Realize to me it's been 6 though. I want to have that conversation early enough that I have time to organize and obtain materials and apply again if I want to, but not so soon that you think I haven't waited long enough. Also, Not sure whether I should disclose that or not in talking to you. Since it's considered a disability, I have a right not to, and other faculty have discouraged me from telling them. However, if you really want to help me succeed here, I feel like you need a full picture and if I don't tell you, I could easlly have this happen again.

-- This has been absolute HELL for me. There are some days I'm kind of almost maybe okay with it and others where I don't know how I'm still standing. The only way I could see you again would be to reapply and get back in, but I need a session (and sleep) desperately right now. I know I should find someone else for now, but I just can't. If I end up going back to you I need you to believe this disorder is real and I need you to take me seriously when I tell you I'm worried about something happening. The fact that everything happened exactly the way I said it would should help there, but it won't help if I feel like you aren't getting it or if you think I'm just being paranoid.

[Avox.]

You make me so worried
You make me so sad

- If you hadn't gotten on my case about it this never would have happened.

- I enjoyed our time together and I really wish you didn't have to leave so early. I hope you think the date was as successful as I did. I totally felt like an idiot for bringing up seeing you again at the end of the date, since I have no idea of what you thought of it. But oh well. We'll just have to see.

[DeathToNemo]

I'm sorry that you think I'm selfish, personally, I agree. But who the f*** isn't selfish when it comes down to it? You don't have any right to say that I'm the reason the family is in shambles, because you are the one that controlled me and my sister and made our decisions for us. You have no right to say that I am faking any of my problems or that I am lying when I say I feel depressed, because you don't know sh**. Thank you and goodbye.

I really hope I didn't mess this up.

[Kate*]

I'm sorry I snapped at you because you just answered the phone, but I have every right to be frustrated about this.

You asked for feedback and you got it. I kept it vague enough that you won't know it's me, and unlike you, I kept it professional. I really hope you don't hold it against me when I reapply, but I don't think you can do that and get away with it.

[Forging Galaxies]

I love you, forever and ever. I hope you know that in your heart...

[bitesize]

Why are you making this harder? You know we've barely been in contact. I thought you would be on the same page but you protesting this (if that's what you're doing?) has just made it all the more confusing. It hurts and I still miss you and I've never fallen for someone so fast and I don't want to close the door but can you not see why this might be the best thing to do? I mean how can you still say these things when you've barely spoken to me all Spring, you haven't made an effort and I KNOW you haven't, so why are you pretending like it's something not worth letting go of? Now I'm utterly confused and it was hard enough already. I don't know what you want from me

[Kate*]

-- EVERYTHING says I'm supposed to be a counselor except for the brain damage. So it wasn't my "personality for lack of a better explanation" that cost me everything, it was my brokenness combined with your lack of professionalism which I somehow got blamed for.

I wish I could get one more chance to face you so I could show you just what this has done to my life. Not because I'm mad about why or bitter, but because I REALLY don't think you get it. You get to move on like nothing happened while I lost everything. I highly doubt you fully comprehend how much dismissal SCREWS people over! Yet you did it because you said you cared and that you didn't want me to get into the field and struggle. You left out the part where you tell me what you think I'd be good at since I have no idea now. All I know is that I can never have what I want (or even anything similar) without the degree and/or license that I almost had. Even if I understand and I'm not mad or bitter about the fact that it had to happen, that doesn't change the fact that I will never finish the degree or get the license I need for most jobs in the field I want. So, even if I don't hold it against you, my life is still a mess. And, even if you tell me otherwise it was still a waste. Not finishing the degree means that not only can I never use what I learned, but I can't even prove I learned it. All that investment with nothing but the debt to show for it.

And now I know it's not just me, her program is screwing her over too. So badly in fact that she's thinking of walking away even closer to her degree than I was to mine and going back to her home country. This place is ridiculous and getting away with murder.

[Forging Galaxies]

I love you my sweetheart, you're so beautiful and you mean the world to me...
and I... belong to you forever .

[Coffee.]

[Storyteller.]

You don't listen to me and that's going to be an issue.

[Kate*]

-- I have this special ability to be deep and profound. Your program has a mentality of "do it our way or not at all." Because of this, not only will I never do it your way, I will never do it my way either. I think that will cost people the opportunity to have amazingly deep, touching, and insightful moments of their own. I live for those, I would give ANYTHING to have conversations like that all day every day for the rest of my life. I still believe you took that from me; and from others too. It's hard to embrace such an amazing gift when I've been told that it's not only different, but wrong. I need you to understand that and help me find a way to do it my way in a place and time that is perfect.

It's incredible what you're getting away with. We have no recourse, we can gather no proof of anything even though we all know it's happening and even if there were a place to report it, you're avoiding everything that would get you consequences and my "status" with the program automatically ruins any chance I had at credibility.

Nyah-Nyah-Nyah-Nyah-Nyah!

Do you really have that username? I thought we were friends, man.

- You're only reinforcing my bad habits.

- It's funny how even a year later little things can still hit me. It's almost as if sometimes I can't believe our relationship is really over. I miss you. And I'm beginning to think that it will be many years before I don't anymore.

- Hurry back to me. I'll be waiting, like always.

[*CatchingStars*]

I'm sorry, but I need to heal my self before I can heal you. I need to find answers, but you I already know that living without you would tear me down, but my heart is breaking and I'm losing my grip and I want to be alone.

[bitesize]

I thought it was strange how the other day someone asked 'are you single?' and in the second before 'Yes' that I hesitated, I thought not of the person I've been casually sleeping with every other weekend, not of the person far away who keeps saying they miss me against all practicality, but of you. Even though it's been over a year. You're still my hesitation.

[bitesize]

Did I ever tell you how much I fucking love you and your loyalty? You're one of the best friends I'll ever have <3

[bitesize]

I feel like you don't really give a fuck, which is sad. And fair enough you have lots of things going on. But it's disappointing. The whole thing is really.

[Oneirophobia]

You do not break up with someone through a fucking anonymous tumblr message. I don't care who you are, they atleast deserve something more than that.

[Kate*]

I keep flipping between being okay with this and still believing it's my worst nightmare. There are only 3 things I could've done differently and only 1 I regret. I obviously still want to finish the degree on some level or get the loans excused (too bad that's impossible) or get back the 3 years I wasted. You're the ones claiming that it wasn't a waste, but you're forgetting that it's like I was never there. Please learn from what happened to me and please don't forget me.

[mindflower]

We aren't even anything anymore, and frankly I don't want to be. You hurt me, I hate you, you hate me, I annoy you, whatever it is. To be honest, you probably have stopped trying, but let's just quit while we're "perfectly okay" and pretend that you didn't choose them over me and that I don't wanna kill myself. Sounds great; you aren't there for me ever so what does it matter. Please don't try to be my friend anymore. Bye.

[bitesize]

-Oh my God! I'm sorry, but what is wrong with you? We went on a date four months ago, it was nice, we weren't really compatible and when I said I didn't want another one you agreed. So why, why, WHY do you keep asking to meet up? I'm so lost? How many times can I say no? How many times before I have to start getting unfriendly? If you saw me on a date last night that does NOT give you license to just ask again.
P.S. 'Long time no speak' is NOT an acceptable conversation-opener when it's been two days since we spoke and we only speak every three weeks.

-Did that status really need a selfie to go with it? I lose respect for you every time I see you look for more attention...

[Kate*]

Part of me likes the idea of this program and part of me thinks you're exploiting and taking advantage of them. They don't even get a degree and you're charging them so much more than their typical peers, forcing participation and asking somewhat intrusive questions on the application although I can almost see the need for them... Unless you can prove that this seriously benefits them in terms of development, independence/life skills, or employability, I'm not sure I can support it.

[Rivière]

I bet you tried to call my mobile didn't you. If you try to blame this on me saying that I was 'unavailable' and try to stop my money, we're going to have problems. You have two numbers from me, my mobile and my house. If you couldn't get through with one, try the other. I've been sat here the whole time waiting. Don't even think about saying you 'couldn't get through'.

[Theaweseomrguy]

You need to stop I'll be working you'll be playing just stop this is bs a group project class doesn't mean you can get all your friends to come to the table and then yell at me for being on my phone when Im working on it to finish the project. I saw you laugh at me but your full of your own problems and I don't need to add them to my list right now.

So stop the crap please I am begging you. This is dumb and we have to work together for once and I'm really trying hard and all your doing is making my life hell.

If you don't stop I'll just leave simple as that so stop the crap already.

[Raggedy Man, Goodnight!]

You fucked up my life, I hate you and I will never forgive you for what you have done.

I won't let you beat me down anymore.

[Oneirophobia]

= I wish right now, I could do what Elena from Vampire diaries did with her memories for Damon, I want them all, to go away.

= I've come to the conclusion that smashing my computer would make me feel really better right now.

[Kate*]

I will only become okay with this new idea when I either fully accept or stop wanting what I know I can't and will never have; or if/when I find something that I like better. I have NO idea when that will be if it will ever happen and even if it does, it doesn't erase my transcript, the financial consequences I incurred for no reason, or give me back the nearly 3 years that I wasted before I figured out that I'm broken and that that is the only reason my dream is impossible

I don't want to hurt you, but I want you to be held accountable for the things that happened that you KNOW were wrong, I want you to learn from what happened to me, and I want you to remember me. I know eventually life will go on and you'll forget I was ever there, but I have to LIVE with this for the rest of my life. I know none of that will happen without a miracle and I'm not sure I sill believe in those.

[Treble]

I hate you. It's that simple. Just because you're my parent, just because we're related doesn't mean you can treat me like crap and use me like a punching bag. I can still remember how you would hurt me when I was little, and there is no excuse for that. I haven't seen you in a while, but I want every part of you out of my life completely, you can stop buying me presents and take back everything you've ever got me. Stop trying to stay in contact, because i never want to see your face again.

[bitesize]

I no longer know what goes on in your head, but you not replying makes it really seem like you don't care, or maybe it means you're just a coward, and either way it takes a bit of the integrity out of everything we ever shared, and that's so sickeningly disappointing.

[Storyteller.]

I don't want you to realise what's actually going on here.

[DiafolEternal]

This isnt really something i wish i could say to your face because i hope you never see this but not sure where else to put it.

I we were still us right now. The past few nights i have been having panic attacks every hour or two in my sleep and they are so scary. I really feel like im going to die and you are the only person ive ever known to have panic attacks. Hell the other night ive never had one but was always there to get you through them anyway.

I dont even want answers on how to stop them or anything, just want someone to hold me while i have them and remind me itll all be ok. tbh thats all i wanted out of life was someone to be close too. Someone that is there through it all with me and if there is a problem we can either fix it together or just brave the storm together.

Ok not sure how it went from panic attacks to that but yea, ive never had panic attacks before and to have like 20 in 3 days but always when im trying to sleep, I feel really ill from lack of sleep and have even taken to find the suicide hotline number i fell that bad about everything.

Fuck why cant i stop typing, fuck it.


edit, and to make it worse i cant get chat to bloody work!!!

Never mind.

WARNING: Triggering post (ED)

Today I realized that I am terrified of eating food. I get anxious every time I sit down to eat anything that isn't a salad. If I eat more than a salad, I try to throw it up, and if I can't throw it up I have an anxiety attack. Then I overcompensate by restricting what I eat for two days, until I break down and have a real meal, and then it starts all over again. I know I need help, but I can't bring myself to ask for it, especially not after she fought through anorexia last year. No one will believe me. So I live with this terrible secret. And no one's going to know, that's the worst part. I'll look like a healthy weight, maybe even a little overweight, and no one will think twice about the cost it's coming at.

I'm so sorry. I know I'm letting you down. But I can't control this. And I hate myself for it.

[Kate*]

Knowing that other people have gone through worse doesn't mean my pain doesn't count, I see your point, but that's not what I need to hear right now. Invalidating my struggle while I feel like my world is collapsing on top of me and no one understands is NOT the way to HELP. If you wouldn't say it to someone who was grieving, don't say it to me right now. It's different, but it IS a loss and it's been hell. Walk ONE day in my shoes and THEN you can judge me. Remember you managed to graduate. It worked out for you, I wasn't so lucky.

I want to believe what you said about everything working out exactly the way it's supposed to, I needed to hear that when I did and I hope you're right. Sometimes I can't wait to see what happens next, other times I don't want to stick around to find out.

[bitesize]

-I'm trying so hard to be respectful of the fact that everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but I've lost so much respect for you after discovering you're planning to vote No. Why? You know there are no good reasons. The 'good' reasons are simply homophobia shrouded in misinformed, dressed-up-as-we-just-care-about-the-children drivel. You've gone so far down in my esteem.

-And you... I know you're traditional, have never been the most progressive, but I thought you were more intelligent than to give into those snivelling, scrabbling-for-argument bigots. You're my mother, of course you're intelligent. I'm so fucking disappointed. I've never been more disappointed in my life. I can't believe you.

-I love that we had that whatisthis kiss two weeks ago but that we can still sit in the library together and break our shites laughing over a coffee and bitch about clingy girls and it hasn't affected our friendship in any way, because I love you from the top of the moon to the bottom of the earth and I'd hate to think that something like that could affect us being wonderful friends.

[Kate*]

--My confidence is completely destroyed how am I supposed to make a compelling case to earn a degree I don't really want when I'm convinced nothing is worth it anymore? You may be convinced this is perfect, but I'm not and even if I try I won't get it or I won't finish it. But if I don't bother I'll be even more screwed.