Re: Dirty Little Secrets.
 

I feel like I might be crumbling. I want to get a job but a part of me wonders if I am on a road to self destruction and putting the stress of a job on me is just what I need? I wonder if my desire for a job is really a desire to sabotage myself completely by putting too much on my plate.I don't think it is but what if I am wrong?

Am I EVER going to stop doubting myself?

I think I am going to be alone forever. Who would want me?

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I can't remember the last time I cried. I'm hurting right now, but I have a really bad gut feeling about cutting myself. I'm scared and I don't know what to do. I just want the pain to go away.

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I never stopped loving you. My regrets are only overshadowed by my mistakes.

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There's like a week or school left now before I finish and I wish that I'd reached out for help long ago at school. Now, I doubt I ever will because there's just not enough time for anybody to care enough.

I want to tell my best friend about everything but I can't because I'm scared of what will happen if she doesn't believe me...and what will happen if she does =S

He's been touching me for years but I remember it mostly from being around 14. I always think it's my fault - I didn't exactly fight him. I'd move away and try and shrug out from his touch and curl up or push his hands away. I always felt like my voice just wouldnt work so eventually I'd just go numb and blank it out as much as possible.

My mum walked in once. I was just kind of sat there. I'd let my mind go numb and he'd moved a bit away from me like a second before. She walked in and was like 'what are you two doing?', i just looked at her and he said 'messin.' All she did was say 'well dont' and then shut the door and left. Thanks. You didnt even tell him to get out of my room. She thinks I wanted him to do what he did and she pretty much told me so later. She thinks it was a one off - it wasn't.

He's three years older than me. And my brother. I can never tell her.

The reason I never told anybody was because I always think I'm too ugly and fat for anyone to want to touch me like that so I figure everyone else will think the same and not believe me. That's part of the reason why I throw up after I eat sometimes and why other times, I dont always eat.

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When it all started it was a 'game' then it became 'love' before turning into 'power and greed' and 'what I deserved'
Despite every punch and hit, I cannot blame you, despite every touch, each time of sex, every time I've thrown up thinking about you, every nightmare, flashback, everytime I've bled, passed out, tried to kill myself.. Despite everything I CANT blame you, I cant see how it is your fault.. Maybe I just never told you 'No' enough, maybe it was normal.. I mean who's to say it wasnt.. && You know why I wont tell.. my sisters.. my sacrifice.. you can continue to destroy my life but I cant let you have theres.. I need to make sure they will be and stay okay.. Because of everything, I'm scared people wont believe me.. But I'm not lying. I truely didnt want you to touch me, but you did anyway.. Is it stupid to still love you though.

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I do the exact same thing. you're not alone.

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The only reason i want to become a child therapist,is that in the hope i could at least give someone the happiness in theirs, that i never had.

I have lost all dignity whatsoever, and just seem to sleep with anyone who offers it, it makes me feel physically sick.

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Im in love with my best friends boyfriend.
Most of the time i say im okay im just doing it to get them off my back.
I thought my self to be able to cry, wipe off the tears and look perfectly fine imidiatly.
Even tho i told my friends otherwise, i still dont plan on living past 20 at the latest, 18 if i get my way, or even 15 if it keeps going this way.
my real best friend is my kitty cat, Titan.

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I'm not sure if I like the newer you as much as the original you, but deep down I still love you. I think I'll always will.

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Iv gotten drunk befor. on margaritas. at school. on accident. and, i realy didnt mind and eagerly await my 21st bday if i can get to it, just for a margarita. alchohlic to be? most likely. should this bother me? of corse. but does it? naw. and im 15.

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I'm in love with someone who might or might not love me back.
I'm scared of knowing the answer.
I'm scared that he won't be there for me always.
I'm scared that he'll die while on active duty.
I'm terrified of the idea of losing him.

I just want to have him with me always.

But you know what? I still keep my head held high because I know he wants me to. Screw that, I want myself to be happy. :)

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Me too =] I hope i can make a difference!!!

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I feel so petty because my 'problems' are miniscule in comparison to others.

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I'll never find anyone who would date me,

Im the funny guy, so of course I could never feel down or depressed,

Im scared of missing out on so many things

Im afraid of sex

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I want to kill.
Kill everyone, kill everything.
See all that rich blood seep from inside of everyone.
Then grab the gun,
And shoot myself, watch my insides break loose, my life flee away.
And I want to reign.
I want to watch anyone try to lock me up.
And die in the act.
I want them all to cry out to the gods, pleading for their lives.
I want them to beg to me.
To beg me to spare their lives.
And I will kill them.
Like how they did to me.
And I want to see their skin turn pearly white.
And watch them parish into the black hell I've lived through.
Torcher them until they die.
And pay for all the things they've done.

Maybe that statement wasn't wise to share.

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I want to be loved, I wish someone would just give me a chance

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im just friends with you right now so i'll get over you. then i'm gonna dump you like a rock. jsut like all those times you did to me. but i'm different from you, i won't be coming back.

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I love him more than anything but he's hurt me so much before, I've tried to OD because of him. Sometimes I still wish I succeeded.

I care about my friend James more than I care about my well-being, or decency, since I've flashed him on cam, then cut from guilt.

I hate working with my mom, especially because I can't be myself ANYWHERE, nor even have a cigarette.

I hope Jason never reads this, since I'd kill myself out of guilt. I regret ever doing things like flashing James. And I don't know why I did it. I'm crying, and will end up cutting myself up.

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I might seem strong. But every day I\'m falling apart. I still don\'t know anything. I\'m still broken inside and yeah sometimes I feel like a piece of shit the world forgot. Guess what, that\'s what I am. The runt. The one the world forgot who somehow got ahead. Yippie. I got the balls, but I ain\'t got a soul. Only my closest friends, not even adoptive family, know I feel like a refuge from the lost and found.