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Re: Screaming thread.
I'm going to have trouble sleeping tonight because of the fibro flare.
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Re: Screaming thread.
No one likes me. No has and no one ever will.
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Re: Screaming thread.
No, your true colors are insulting people and acting like a fucking self-righteous 5 year old. I can be the bigger person, let's see how long it takes you to take your own advice to "take responsibility and grow up."
You eventually stopped responding just like I knew you would. I can't tell you how badly I DON'T want to deal with this. This shit affects you too, I don't know why you WON'T deal with it!!!!!!!! My disability isn't an "excuse" and my life is still in shambles 10 months later despite my best efforts, but thanks for the guilt trip. |
Re: Screaming thread.
people at school has been a little bit mean to me :(:(
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Re: Screaming thread.
I don't fucking want to play this game with you anymore! You're abusive as fuck, do you think I've forgotten everything that you've put me through and wouldn't even so much as apologize for? Stop trying to get my attention or shove past me or make me smile or laugh. I'm fucking DONE with this game!
I can't believe it's been a year since I kissed you. So much has changed, and I realized during that year that trusting you was a giant fucking mistake. I don't want to see you anymore, I just want you to vanish off into the void somewhere and never show up in my life again, because you're literally the biggest piece of SHIT! Oh, and then when I fucking BLACK OUT in front of you, when you have NO EXCUSE for ignoring it, you pretend I don't exist? But when I'm all happy and laughing you don't even bat an eye? Fuck you too! |
Re: Screaming thread.
I'm so tired of all this pain and discomfort.
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Re: Screaming thread.
Between the social issues and phone anxiety, I REALLY don't want to call insurance and/or Medicaid to fix this. NOTHING has changed in a month, I didn't do anything, why do I have to deal with this?!?! I haven't been through enough already?! You've got to be kidding. I really can't take any more crap. If it were YOUR medication you ran out of you'd be FUCKING SCREAMING at these people, how come when it's mine, you don't care? STOP MINIMIZING THESE! They are necessary for my vision and my comfort. Just because they seem innocuous to you doesn't mean you can avoid dealing with this. Yes, I'm an adult, but you handle everything, chances are you'll have to handle this anyway.
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Re: Screaming thread.
And yet another GREAT IDEA travel plan. Just bloody fantastic. Thanks a lot. Next winter break just let me stay here and keep several states between us. Who cares about spending christmas together. It's not like we're an actually family. It's not like you won't just yell and lecture and belittle and insult every time i see you. It's not like you wouldn't prefer i had never been part of your life. Thanks for the lectures. No i will not lie and claim to have a medical condition i do not have.
Just fucking leave me alone Speaking final friday, research story due friday, work all weekend, essay final monday, written final wednesday, calc final thursday, work all thursday afternoon, hour walk to the bus station and then hour bus ride to the airport, just a backpack or duffle bag to pack clothes for two weeks in. And I am not going anywhere without my books. Hand bruised from punching the wall repeatedly in hopeless frustration. mom's going to flip if/when she sees my wrist. No energy to do anything. No motivation. Mind filled with fog. Can't eat sleep or think. Knife, would you just find the right spot and cut deep enough already?! Blood, would you just keep flowing and not stop?! Would you just let me die already |
Re: Screaming thread.
Once a failure, always a failure.
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Re: Screaming thread.
Thank you, for being a total dick.
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Re: Screaming thread.
I had perfect attendance for the entire semester... until I woke up halfway through my very last class.
FUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!!!!!! |
Re: Screaming thread.
What the fuck? Why do I suddenly have these feelings for someone? I need to let it alone and then maybe something will come out of it. Don't get your hopes up self. He most likely doesn't like you you just wish he did and even if he does then it'll never add up to be anything good. So just shut the fuck up mind, I don't need feelings for someone right now. I should just punish myself with my blade to get my mind to shut the fuck up. >:(
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Re: Screaming thread.
No lilboy, you don't get to toy with my feelings and then act like I never happened just because you met her.
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Re: Screaming thread.
I'm the person with this who feels too much, not the opposite, but thanks for collapsing my life on that, and many other false assumptions. My heart will forever ache for the only thing it can't have. I hope you haven't forgotten about me and that they didn't lie about my reputation among you. I'll probably need those at some point, I wish I knew for sure that they were there. I still miss it, you have no idea how much this hurts. I wish I could have the chance to tell you everything I want to. After being there for so long, coming so close, and having it end the way it did and being treated the way I was, I deserve closure, and I'll probably never get it. This broke me and I want you to have to deal with that. You had no choice, but I was born this way so, no choice for me either, but thanks for treating me like shit while you acted all innocent. You are a PROFESSIONAL for fuck sake. But you always use your theory of choice to blame your clients too. That's only a valid theory if you're willing to apply it to yourself too.
"And you're blaming me for that." You're damn right I am! You were provoking the crap out of me. "Take responsibility" for yourself before coming down on me for reacting to you. Chances are, I really am as screwed as I think. I forgot about the fact that the undergrad GPA I had only accounted for about 80% of my work. I wonder if all the other work makes it higher or not. I wish I could know without paying for transcripts, I might have a better chance than I thought, but I don't want to get excited about it and then have it actually be the same or worse. I'm starting to like this idea, crap! |
Re: Screaming thread.
Nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope.
NUUUUUUUPE. You dumped me. For him. You don't get to say that. You don't get an opinion. NOPE. |
Re: Screaming thread.
SCREEEM!!!
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Re: Screaming thread.
I love you and all, but I just can't stand you on a good day. I really don't want to know you exist on a bad day.
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Re: Screaming thread.
Got a job interview and it's over the phone so I don't have to go anywhere to do it! Lets hope this is the open door I've been waiting (14 months) for and that I don't end up jinxing it or getting fired.
Feel like shit again for no reason after 4pm and still in bed.UGH I'm trying to accept the fact that it's over while HOPING against hope there's a bigger reason for all of it; but sometimes the memories are all I can think about and going back is all I want. Something is WRONG, I think I might just be slipping again at the worst time. Place me where I'm needed and help me be okay with it. For once, I really want a job I'm interviewing for. Watch me screw it up! Or get fired. STUPID BRAIN DAMAGE!!! Plus my grandma was sick last night after being with my mom for 3 days straight. If there's a God, I WILL NOT catch it. I need a break. After the last 14 months I've had, I deserve a break. I LOVE how the woman without a college degree is the one posting all the shit about them being worthless. I was making something out of mine, but life doesn't work out when you have a LEARNING DISABILITY! LEARN THAT! Guess what? I'm nauseous, my anxiety is getting to me, and I don't want it anymore. Trying to take what I find with a grain of salt. I will not be taken advantage of or treated like that again. Still want to go back, anything is better than this. I think I was put here to suffer, nothing else. This broke me for the last time and I am done. If you can't remember to call and interview me, I don't want to work for you. |
Re: Screaming thread.
listen
listen LISTEN JUST FUCKING LISTEN PLEASE I hate how you deny me my freedom. I hate how you tell me you want me to do my best and do what I want to do but then you turn around and suppress my every thought and move. For fucks sake I can't even speak my mind in this house without one of you trying to silence or belittle me. And you wonder why I have problems, why I hate this house. Dear god, please, please please, let me get that longboard, so that I can get out of here when I need to. Give me an escape from this place I can't stand it for another four years.I don't even know how I'm going to make it through this year, especially without my orchestra I.... Somebody please just listen. Listen to what I have to say, don't ignore me. I'm ignored by teachers, by my classmates, people in general don't give a fuck about my existence; ignored by my parents and my brothers and my family, my church, my supposed friends who haven't talked to me in months, my old "boyfriend" who really wasn't even my boyfriend who doesn't even have the decency to say hi or to look me in the eye, even my dog ignores me. I really can't think of a single person who truly paid any attention to me other than my first dog, subashtion, but he's been dead for more than a year. I speak and no one listens, no one hears me.I try to speak my mind and I'm either shut up because what I said is "stupid" or my thoughts are instantly ruled out because I'm younger. I don't exist, I don't mean anything to any of these people. No matter what I do I always end up alone. Always. And I'm so tired of it. I REALLY need that longboard for Christmas this year. Get me out of here. |
Re: Screaming thread.
Could i just die already
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Re: Screaming thread.
LIVING LIKE A MOTHERFUCKIN LANDMINE!
WHAT IS IT?! HOW THE FUCK WILL I BE PHYSICALLY PREPARED IN TIME?! I HAVE TO PREPARE TRIPLE YOUR AMOUNT BECAUSE I WAS CURSED WITH A SLOW STRENGTH/ENDURANCE DEVELOPING BODY! THATS WHY THE FUCK IM STARTING SO GODDAMN EARLY I'LL SHOW YOU HOW I SPLIT MY KNUCKLE OPEN EARLIER ON YOUR FUCKING FACE! ARE YOU INTERESTED OR NOT I CANT TAKE THIS ANYMORE Back to the punching bag.... OR IM GONNA FUCKING EXPLODE! |
Re: Screaming thread.
Why do I bother anymore? What's the point of it all?
:( :'( |
Re: Screaming thread.
I wish that if it was cold enough to snow it would REALLY snow!
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Re: Screaming thread.
I really can't handle this anymore, all this... shit.
I'm doing my best to be there for my family and especially other people who need it but... I don't know, in reality... I'm no one. I'm not one bit special, I've always known that... I'm going to die, I need to. I'm a burden, I am simply that as it had shown in the past... This soul is exhausted i guess... Must... leave, getting triggered by this... place and her... |
Re: Screaming thread.
I am tired and exhausted. Need to stay up a little more.
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Re: Screaming thread.
Someone fucking jacked my wraps and gloves at the gym, so I had to go on the punching bag raw! Split open my knuckles again! FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!
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Re: Screaming thread.
I just don't want to feel ugly anymore
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Re: Screaming thread.
Conducting sessions in my dreams again. These are the times I miss it most. I thought I was done having these. My heart desperately wants what my brain won't let me have. They seriously think this was a favor. They will never understand the soul crushing, waking nightmare that it really is. And obviously they don't care. I'm waiting for KARMA because I am NOT the only one.
It is Sunday morning and freezing outside. I am trying to SLEEP why are you cutting down a FUCKING TREE!?!?You are supposed to be moving; just get the fuck out! WHY do I keep getting the feeling that it's not over?!?! It doesn't get to be more over than it is, but I can't shake the feeling that I'll get to do it somehow; and it really sucks because I know that I never will so my heart just stays set on what I couldn't be further from ever having. UGH! And if you are up again cutting down more trees, I can't even! So, you'll call AOL to reset your email password, but you won't call Medicaid to fix the insurance?!?! I know I had the problem first, but THIS AFFECTS YOU TOO!!!! STOP complaining about your weight on Facebook!!!! Yours is less of a health issue and more of a self-esteem problem. I need to lose the same amount you do, I have anxiety, depression, and self-esteem issues too, and this year has been absolute HELL for me, but you don't see me complaining and obsessing over it do you?! I keep it private and send messages to my friends who care instead of posting it for everyone to see. |
Re: Screaming thread.
I hate that Jordan has to work so much. It's so frustrating! I want more personal time.
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Re: Screaming thread.
You still care so much about me. You still nag me to take care of myself and you still think the world of me. Still. Even after six months apart with a two-day visit spent hooking up. You said you moved on but I don't think you're out of love. I think you're just out of pain. I still want to come back to you and I'm wondering... Maybe that'll work out. But for now it just hurts. Today would've been our anniversary but it's not because I'm selfish. /:
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Re: Screaming thread.
I'm going to help you, even if I'm not at my best... you deserve it and I will help you rise from your worst enemy which is yourself.
I won't allow you to reach so low to be thinking of those things, I won't let you die too. It'll be hard and many obstacles will be passed if we work hard together, and in the end you'll be happy and strong. It's what I want to do and I'll die trying if it comes to that (which it wont come to of course but figuratively speaking...) You're a good person and I won't let you do this to yourself... So now is the time I prove I can be at my best and not at my worst in your time of need. It'll be hard. maybe not... but in the end, you'll be happy... |
Re: Screaming thread.
Sometimes I feel like I forget who I am, and where I belong. I know that might not make sense, but it drives me insane.
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Re: Screaming thread.
Disgusting monster...
It should be killed for its... barbaric crimes. |
Re: Screaming thread.
I kind of want to die.
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Re: Screaming thread.
IYou're worthless. All we used to have meant absolutely nothing. You turned on me. You hurt me. You're cruel and vindictive. I hope you are miserable. You're nothing to me. I'm glad I know nothing about you anymore. What I do know breaks my heart and makes me see how cruel you are. I dodged a bullet and so did so many others I know of.
It hurts so much to be alive. It's just overwhelming. I literally want to do something that might kill me. I am overcome with anger and I don't know why. I haven't been this angry since the last time I cut really bad...those two and a half years ago. I feel so miserable and I have so much to be grateful for. I want to lash out. I want to hurt people like I am hurting. Why am I so messed up? Why can't I pull myself together. Why am I falling apart again. |
Re: Screaming thread.
I really need to get over this anxiety. That was seriously NOTHING and I went almost a month without insurance coverage. At least they don't know what happened and it wasn't anything we did wrong.
I didn't do anything wrong: She told me it would be fixed in a few hours (apparently more than 4 still isn't enough) My phone WAS on, I got your text, when you sent the second one, I assumed you left empty-handed like the first time I didn't ask you to wait 30 minutes at the pharmacy or not to leave without them. I assumed you were late because you got caught by the train. If you called the house, you shouldn't have hung up. If you called or texted the cell again, it didn't go through. It's warm enough that the garage door should've worked And my personal favorite I TOLD YOU TO HANDLE IT YOURSELF IN THE FIRST PLACE!!!!! You're the one storming in here SCREAMING bloody murder at the top of your lungs, blaming me and cursing people, I refuse to become a blubbering ball of hysterical tears because I DID NOTHING WRONG. This is the first time that I haven't become a blubbering hysterical mess when one of my parents threw a fit. Considering the year I've had this is shocking to me. Just because you're over it within two hours and we're laughing about it, doesn't mean I can handle you doing this. This could've (and in the past would've reduced me to a hysterical ball of tears and I would've been a wreck for the next 12 hours! My brain works differently than yours does. I don't have the flexibility to just bounce back and recover like it's nothing. Next day and you didn't handle it. YOU HAVE TO DO THIS because obviously I can't. DO IT |
Re: Screaming thread.
Worrying about a girl and another who is... suicidal.
*Sighs* |
Re: Screaming thread.
I deserve to die.....
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Re: Screaming thread.
My mother told me that she would come by for presents and dinner this evening when we were doing our 'Christmas', but she lied. She never had any intention of stopping by, and it really hurt my feelings.
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Re: Screaming thread.
Well so far for Christmas I've gotten a migraine and my period :-)
I hate my body. |
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