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Anxiety is so bad

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Maybe life just doesn't fucking work out for everyone. Just leave me the fuck alone. I'd rather die than keep dealing with any of this shit.

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My head is killing me. I want to go home and sleep but I'll have to go home and go shopping

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I need this day to end.

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If I could disappear that would be great.

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I watched him die for six monthes. I watched him eat away at his own skin and hair until he was balding I watched his face and paws bloat and swell from the sickness I watched him pee blood everyday and have trouble walking I watched him nearly go blind from an injury that you refused to correct I layed with him while we both slept in fleas because you couldn't be bothered to get rid of them
I watched him struggle everyday with a cone that he never needed up until they stuck a needle in his little foot and watched him collapse right in front of me so he could finally, finally sleep without pain but he never got up. and then I stroked his little puppy ears until they were cold because I loved him more than you ever loved me. and now I can't ever sleep without seeing dead puppy ears because of what you could have done but deliberately didnt.... you bought me a puppy to keep my mouth shut about the cutting but when the two of us became family you took him away too. and, I want to make you hurt, I want you to feel the pain that you caused us because you fucking deserve it.
but it won't matter because it's still 4 in the morning and all I see are dead puppy ears.

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I hate this anxiety

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god I forgot how bad high school was...

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Dreading work and it's not even Sunday.

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It's Monday and I'm struggling. What's new though, really?

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Jesus let this day fucking end!!!!

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My boss isn't here the next two days so that's a plus.

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I am anxious about work tomorrow. I know why but I am tired of this. I just want a new job.

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Too exhausted to function. No amount of caffeine helps. Even with potentiators. I'm debating asking someone to let me try more effective stimulants, even though I know it'll end badly. Probably very quickly. But what other option do I have when I need to keep pushing through because no one fucking understands and wants me to just be "cured." Because if I'm not in the hospital RIGHT NOW, I can't be sick...

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Physically sick about having to go to work today. I just can't do this much longer. Please let me get called for an interview soon and please let me get the damn job

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Still can't get a fucking job so I still can't leave this abusive house. And if I don't get out of here soon, I'm going to end up killing myself. It's not really if, it's when.

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I want to die. I don't actually want to die I just want the fucking anxiety to stop

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They yelled at me for politely mentioning once not to spray a ton of febreze in my brother's room without closing my door going forward because it drifted into my room, and scents like that are a huge migraine trigger for me.

But I'm expected to function at 100%. When I certainly haven't felt close to 100% BEFORE this.

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I'm probably gonna end up killing myself or cutting

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Getting out of an abusive situation is actually quite often a privilege... because if you don't have a financial means, good fucking luck.

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23 (hitting 24 this December) year old dude. No major, have finished high school but never attended anything past that (went to an adult school for an IT course, but I didn't pass the final exams, partially due to shitty teachers, partially due to neglect, coming from not actually wanting to pursue that field).

Currently stuck in shitty job in a factory, physically exhausting and mentally less than pleasing (better than my previous one, but yeah). The pay isn't horrible, but it's more the feeling of being the easiest to replace, most meaningless cog that's eating away at me.

I feel like such a wasted potential... I know I'm intelligent and can be passionate, but I'm so numb and disconnected from the world, even the simplest things like leaving my fucking home feel like achievements. I've got a useless family, more busy fighting and complaining about each other than engaging in emotional life of their fellow members, no real friends, and the only person I feel genuinely emotionally close to is my younger brother, but I can't exactly drop all my weight on a 15 yo boy, can I? It would be just cruel...

I'd like to say something like "I want to enjoy life again", but honestly, I... I don't know if I do. I don't want to keep trying, I don't want to be putting the effort anymore. I don't want to keep relying on sleeping meds to even get some actual rest at night, I don't want to constantly repeat the same scenarios over and over in my head.

I regret so many stupid things in my life, I feel like I'm 40, and I haven't even fucked once in my life yet. I spend my days playing video games, listening to music and wanking to shitty porn. It's more of a habit now, rather than a thing I actually, honestly enjoy. I can't even really get drunk, cause my alcohol tolerance is borderline retarded, and buying larger amounts of alcohol genuinely makes me feel guilty and worried about addiction.

And the fucking worst thing? IT'S NOT EVEN THE LOWEST IM AT. Truth to be told, my life has been improving rather steadily, I made a larger jump in the last two years or so, than I did through my middle and high school combined... I've got a car, a paying job (shitty, yeah, but they haven't missed a payment yet, and my workmates aren't bad people), I can splurge a little on myself and not suffer for that, and yet... I feel so useless, like such a failure.

I feel like I should have achieved more by now, and this weird guilt-like feeling is corroding me inside everytime my thoughts wander off. Constant anxiety and insecurity, courtesy of a fucked up period in high school, bullying and family problems, means that even free weekends aren't much of a rest, cause I'm always worried I messed something up at work, or something upsets me otherwise.

There are times when I want to cry, but... what's even the point? It's a periodic improvement, it'll all return sooner or later. It never leaves, does it...

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This is such a soul crushing job and it sucksx

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I am struggling so much with being alive right now. It's not like I'll kill myself because it's passive thoughts. I just worry that it will turn to active thoughts.

I tried talking to my dad about my stress and he was like "I know I did it all my life". Cool, good for you. I can't do this all my life because all I need is one small thing to happen and my thoughts will become active.

I shouldn't have to fall apart in order for people to realize that I am not doing okay. D is the only one who recognizes the issue.

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Applied to over 260 jobs... still fucking zero offers... I need money to move out of this house before I kill myself.

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I'm struggling today and wish I could afford to go home.

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I want to go home

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I have to reapply to like 75 job posts ASAP because the website deleted all of everyone's information.. Plus apply for the normal amount of jobs. If there's even any point. It's been 4 months. Zero offers. Why would that change.

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I would prefer not going to work today. Hopefully the day flies by

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I can't focus on the job search anymore. I just want out. And if I don't get an offer soon, I'll have to take my only way out. Thing is, I don't want to. But I can't go on like this anymore. I'm going to have to constantly get fucked up just to push through this. But I won't be able to keep up with that, and it probably won't get me a job. So damned if I do, damned if I don't. Why fucking waste time and energy I don't have. The outcome won't be any different. There's no hope anyone can offer me. They say to get help. But I don't have a fucking job to move the fuck out. A job and moving out would drastically improve everything. Then maybe I could get by. And if I got lucky enough to have any extra money, it still won't be enough for professional help. But I'd sure as hell take help if I was lucky enough to be able to afford it.

One of my friends who spent like one day applying to a handful of jobs already has a decent full time job. I still have zero offers. Rejection after rejection after rejection.

And everyone else who doesn't have tens of thousands of dollars of student loans and a broken home wants to rant to me about how difficult job searching is. But they won't let me say SHIT about anything relating to that because me struggling is too much for them to handle.

Everyone wants me to get over it and be positive and believe in the impossible. Well I'm tired of faking a smile just so it makes others more comfortable. I'm tired of no one listening to me. I don't reach out anymore because it only hurts more when people push me and my pain away. They always say they're there for me, that they can handle it. But no one can. Unfortunately, I've reached out a little bit at all out of desperation because I can't handle it either. And then after that I don't reach out anymore. Then the same people get mad that I don't reach out. So.... I'm fine, I guess.

Also who the fuck would hire someone as depressed and anxious and stressed and desperate as I am lately? That's right, no one. You're supposed to be happy and positive and calm and collected and not desperate. I'm pretty good at faking, but I'm so low on energy, and I'm not THAT good.

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God my anxiety is bad today. My head is hurting a bit more than usual. I hope today ends quickly.