Non-PG13 (Strong Language): Screaming thread.

I feel worthless.

[Haunted]

I'm running out of infusion sets, I've tried contacting everyone who could possibly do something about it and all of them have told me to call someone else. not to mention last I saw my doctor she got on my nerves because 'why do you need so much insulin?' fuck knows 'you need to call person x if you need more infusion sets' but then she redirected me to you and where are you? fuck knows 'why don't you need more needles and fewer sets?' well dear it's because i need a lot of insulin. while i'm here stressing the fuck out because i only have enough sets to last three weeks and the next package comes in mid january. my doctor won't be available until monday. all of this while i'm having an anxiety attack per day and relapsing in depression. 2016 wants me dead.

[Kate*]

STOP saying that this is fucking GENETIC, there is NO EVIDENCE of that! Which is exactly why it's DIFFERENT than those other things that are. Those are proven genetic, so far this seems to be due to lack of oxygen, trauma, or toxicity during pregnancy, birth, or shortly after.

"We are the cause of all our own problems and have our own solutions." You do realize that we DON'T cause everything and not every problem is solvable, right? How is that "inspirational"? Sounds like a massive guilt trip to me. Accountability ends where unfair blame begins.

"You can have a good life, it'll just be harder than most people's" Yeah, because THAT'S reassuring! I've been put through enough hell because of this, I want a break. I deserve to have things be smooth sailing for awhile. two problems though: I'm not sure we EVER get that, and just because I want, deserve, and work my ass off for something, doesn't mean it's going to happen for me. Proof: dismissal. Everyone else's life works that way, but I'm the exception to everything because of this. I want what everyone else wants, I just may never have it.

The closer my session gets, the harder everything is to deal with. I expected that because it happened last time too. As much as I want to believe that it will help, EVERY experience I've had says I'll be lucky if it doesn't make me worse. And, I don't mean the expected "worse before better" thing either. I mean added dismissive treatment like last time, or more damage done by help that doesn't help.

Yes, I just realized that if I had scheduled with that agency instead of the private practice I chose, I'd get twice as many sessions. But, when I looked for covered providers through the PLAN'S website, practically every one of them showed up covered and none from the other place did. So, whose fault is that?! Plus, I know that that agency is notoriously bad. I still get plenty of sessions, so hopefully I still come out ahead on this. And I avoid a place I had seriously considered working at had it worked out, so maybe it's a good thing.

How many times do I have to ask you to PLEASE STOP the automatic refills on that! It's been at least 4 times now. I would do it, but I'd have to go with you and that wouldn't make much sense.

When you have so few Facebook friends, you notice when they ditch you, ouch.

[Tigereyes]

I have a final in less than two full days. The semester is nearly over but I just can't do this anymore. I've been saying that nearly the entire semester, and everything just keeps getting worse. Maybe I can't handle this. Maybe I'm not good enough. Maybe I'm too stupid for college. It's honestly a miracle I've made it as far as I have. I had college. I hate my life. I hate myself. College makes me hate myself and my life even more. College makes me want to kill myself, but all that matters is my grades. So instead of studying for my final that I'm probably going to fail, I'm sitting here thinking about how much of a failure I am and how much I want to escape all of this, even if only temporarily. I need something. I have nothing good enough, but I have something that helps some. I just want to drop out yet again. So much for being smart. I hate myself so much...

[nothereanymore]

When you're broke and your family buys themselves dinner so you end up having Tylenol PM and sleep for dinner :-) :-) :-)

And then you get phone calls from the inpatient centers you went to FIVE and SIX YEARS AGO asking for money NO BITCH I DON'T OWE YOUR INCOMPETENT GREEDY ASS A SINGLE CENT. YOU GET NOTHING. YOU LOSE. GOOD DAY SIR.

Why do I have to have these ankle problems? It keeps me from exercising. I'm so frustrated.

[Everglow.]

In agony with my back. So tired I think my body is just giving up on me. Work will be such a struggle tomorrow. Bitching and ranting here there and everywhere, people who don't pull their weight and me who can't even go home cos we're so short staffed.

[Tigereyes]

All I want is to give in again and lose myself

[nothereanymore]

If these medications don't kill my infection I'm gonna have to be hospitalized. Presumably. Because what do you do when the good drugs don't work? When I still have massively swollen tonsils to the point of SLEEP APNEA? I'm thinking ahead and I shouldn't be but it's scary. I'm scared of what could happen if this doesn't work. Tonsillectomy. Abscess incised and drained. More hospital bills. Gonna get fired. God.

Don't yell at me. Don't yell at me. Don't yell at me. You have no idea how much it hurts for me to be yelled at or how it brings back such painful memories of a time I wasn't safe. Please don't yell at me, it scares me so much. I shut down when I'm yelled at, so it truly accomplishes nothing. Please never yell at me. I can't handle it. I can't do it.

[Kate*]

So, it's fear now instead of happiness. When the fuck did we decide that every single negative and uncomfortable thing humans experience was somehow a "choice"?! It's evolution, biology, involuntary, and normal for crying out loud. Stop blaming people for being anything other than positive 24/7 and saying that people don't hurt people because we're all responsible for causing our own pain. That doesn't even almost make sense. I refuse to live in your delusional world where we have control over everything.

If you manage to do what I couldn't, I will be pissed beyond words.

The fact that you claim that everyone has "personal responsibility" does NOT mean that you didn't hurt me. It means that YOU are also responsible for what comes flying out of your mouth! Running everything on "personal responsibility" philosophy is great, but that's not what you're doing. It's one thing to hold people accountable for what they do, it's another to use this as a excuse to mistreat someone and then blame them for causing it.

I'd rather not know my resume was viewed. I know I don't have the experience for most of the things I apply for, but I dont have it for anything, so I apply anyway. They're my only options now. Unless you're willing to give me the chance to interview anyway, I'd rather just forget I bothered trying for something I knew I wouldn't get.

[Everglow.]

So much noise, can't concentrate. Can't word things. Was motivated now I'm not.

[MyVisionIsDying]

Why the fuck aren't videos or music working on my laptop?!
I'm ill, I don't need this for fuck's sake!

[nothereanymore]

Infection from hell. I've been on an antibiotic and a steroid for 48 hours now and I'm still coughing up yellow, still swollen, and still covered in white patches. I'm gonna end up with a surgery that will cost me my job because it's seasonal and if I can't work for an extended amount of time, what's the point? I'm gonna lose my job and end up with more debt. I hope this kills me

[nothereanymore]

All liquid diet because of my throat. I'm gonna start gnawing on my own arm here soon.

[Calaer]

I kinda wish my chores would just magically be done so I could go back to bed and take a nap. Lately I've not gotten any restful sleep, and wake up feeling worse than I did when I went to bed. I dunno what's going on. It's getting old.

My hair is dry, brittle, and dull. This morning a chunk of it fell out. I could handle the other physical complications of my eating disorder but I can't do this. My hair has always been my sole beauty, without it, I actually have nothing going for me. I have to keep it healthy, but I can't eat healthy. I can't.

[Clarent]

can i please stop being tired thanks

[.Brittany.]

I'm tired of always doing all the driving..

[MWF]

Oh, why did my exam date get changed...

[Kate*]

I can be happy and okay to a point, but I can only be so mature when I see everyone else, including those with the same issues, get what I wanted so badly. It's wrong to hope they don't get it, but I need to know I'm not the only one so I can stop blaming myself for obviously being the problem. This is yet another reason I can't tell how much of it I actually did to myself.

Does somebody have to be there EVERY FUCKING DAY now, or what?! She NEEDS it, everyone knows it; What the FUCK is it going to take?! I give up.

[DemolitionLovers]

I feel like I'm too clingy and annoying around the closest people I know.

[Tigereyes]

I don't know how much longer I can do this. It's all I want.

[MyVisionIsDying]

It's always my fault, everything is my fucking fault.
I'm just a fucking burden to you all, and some of you don't even fucking understand.
Leave me the fuck alone!

[nothereanymore]

I think I have obsessive compulsive disorder... and or trichotillomania. I pick at my blemishes until there's blood all over my face and I can't stop picking at my tonsils even when they're swollen and painful from strep. I can't not do it. I can't. I've been resisting urges to pull my hair out, too, for a long long time.
i don't need another disorder

[DemolitionLovers]

My jealously got the best of me yesterday. I hope she can forgive me for being too jealous.

[Kate*]

Therapy can't come fast enough, but another bad experience in this state, and I might just end up worse (don't think it's actually possible, but who knows?) And the year is dragging on way too long. 2016 needs to end NOW!

If you reject your willing and capable (with reasonable accommodation) candidates, for potentially illegal reasons, by unethical means, you have no right to complain that you don't have enough of them!

I'm probably overthinking this, but she's probably mad about that.

Now the heat is broken! And the fix cost as much as a house payment.

Yes, it's an unusual environment so some allowances can be made. However, I know I was emotionally manipulated and seriously fucked with, whether they admit it or not, and I'm not the first one. I need you to acknowledge that this is real and not me exaggerating, being "resistant" to "reasonable feedback", or "playing the victim" because I'm bitter. I am and I'm not. There is a difference between "playing" and "being". Empathy (which I do NOT lack, even they later admitted that), is NOT a pain killer. You will either be one of the first professionals to legitimately help me, or you will be the last one who doesn't.

Of course you are, because I'm the only one who can't be. I swear to God, it slaps me in the face, CONSTANTLY

I wish I could disappear.

[Chai.]

Get your act together. I really don't want to be a part of it anymore! -.-

[Kate*]

This is part of the reason I didn't want to start getting it together at the end of the year! I finally manage to get a therapy appointment and the Medicaid is going to FUCKING LAPSE again! Therapy would make me feel better enough to set up everything else I've been putting off and now they're not going to cover it because of a lack of information! And do they tell you what's missing?! Of course not. Had I been born normal I'd be a master's level licensed mental health professional working in a field that DESPERATELY needs people, but NO, I have to be stuck dealing with this SHIT for the rest of my fucking life. And I can't get the help I need to do that, because you won't fucking COVER the services!!!!!!!!!! Even if you wonder why I'm still not working, that doesn't explain why you're lapsing BOTH of our coverage. She's getting Medicare next year anyway, at least she can get away from this madness.

To print forms, or not to print forms. I suppose I could, it might save time, unless the printer doesn't cooperate and WHY am I nauseous?! This is the last shot I'm taking, don't blow it.

Forms not printed, don't feel like doing it at 1 AM while nauseous. Am I sick because of what I ate, because of what I'm going to do tomorrow, or because that's ending?! Either way I'm miserable and I actually have to function tomorrow. And now the garage door is broken too. It could've happened on our way out tomorrow with the car inside though, so in a way, this is better.

Now it's in less than an hour and I don't want to do it. It's almost like things have to occur as I'm thinking they're good ideas or I don't want to do them. I still will, but not as willingly.

PLEASE fix our insurance so I don't have to give up the therapist I finally managed to get in to and don't have to worry about medications running out again, and can finally get the eye doctor appointment I was supposed to make and take care of a month ago!

[nothereanymore]

Tired of feeling like this. I actually felt the drop from 'okay' to 'low'. I hate myself and what I do and the world around me. And I haven't not been suicidal yet.

[Tigereyes]

It's all I want. I can't fucking do this anymore. It's one addiction or another, maybe both. I just don't see a way out of this. I don't have the strength to fight this anymore. It's been too long, and it's too hard to face this alone...

I snapped at that lady. I was just annoyed. I didn't mean to do it. I wanted to apologize but I was too shy.

[MWF]

My quote of the day: "Being an adult sucks. The only positives are drugs, sex, and cars, and I have none of those."

[nothereanymore]

I hate working in the cold. I don't want to do it.

[Everglow.]

As if Christmas couldn't be worse, I'm now sick and in agony all over my body and I can barely move without my chest wanting to collapse. Merry Christmas.

[Everglow.]

It's 1am and I can't sleep because I'm shivering so much. Wearing two layers of socks and jumpers and have two thick blankets. Hate the flu.

[nothereanymore]

Up and down. Not fun.

I am exhausted.

[nothereanymore]

I gave in. I'm a disappointment. And I don't care. I just don't want to feel anymore. I don't want to try anymore.