Non-PG13 (Strong Language): Screaming thread.

[nothereanymore]

What part of "I don't have the required experience" do you not understand?
"Apply for it anyway"
I DONT HAVE THE REQUIRED EXPERIENCE.

What the fuck is everybody's problem. I hate being in this house because if one person's not pissed off then another one is and I can't fucking stand it. I'm tired of negative energy.

[Everglow.]

Too tired for life.

[Chuuya]

Screw you. You are a terrible friend.

I am so tired of being crapped on.

[Kintsukuroi.]

Oh. My. Freaking. Gosh. Why is every freaking video link that this professor posts in WMV file (which I can't watch because I have a Mac and it doesn't read on quicktime or iMovie). I have to go to the stupid library to watch over 3 hours of video clips that he assigned tonight for Wed.

[NeuroBeautiful]

I don't deserve to be cared about but I still crave it. I don't know what to do with myself. I want to die but I also want recovery. I feel so sad and hurt and used and stepped on.

[Gwynbleidd]

Why don't I know how to do a simple thing such as a fucking dive, competition start. That's the fucking reason im not on a relay team for fuck sakes. I'm fast enough I just cant fucking start for shit.

[Kindred]

Soooo super stressed out, second job interview thursday, and even if I do take the job it's just more work and aghhhhhhh anxiety and fear are better than caffeine

[Kate*]

I wish, since it's not going to happen, that I could stop wanting it, and stop thinking about it. And, I wish that the possible transition from most of a masters with a 3.7 to a 6 month certificate, wasn't such a shot to the ego.

For some reason that hurts right now, and yes, I still think that's creepy, but whatever. The fact that I still want it will always suck. I don't know if that ever goes away.

Just when I think I'm ready to consider moving on, I start missing the people who got it and that brings everything back, and then I'm haunted and I can't do this.

[nothereanymore]

Why are you so melodramatic? Why do you need attention so badly? Why do you act so stupid and then get mad at everyone? Why do you rant about your problems but refuse to change them? I did that and look where tf I ended up.

[Everglow.]

Back to being snappy again. Lovely.

[nothereanymore]

I want to die. So scared I'll never function well at a job, never be able to drive, never be able to live on my own. I want to die. I don't want to live this way.

"I'm hungry",

"Well then eat something"

"I can't"

"Why not?"

"Because food makes me fat"

"That's ridiculous. We were made to eat several times a day, not once every few days"

"I don't care. It still makes me fat"

"U need to eat"

"No thanks I'm not hungry anymore" I lied

That's what I deal with every day. Why can't I just be happy with my body? Why does everything revolve around food? Technically it's impossible to be fat after one meal but I always notice the little changes in my body that brings me down every time. I gain weight every time I eat. So I chose not to. That's why I never tell people I'm hungry anymore. I just can't eat.

"How do your parents notice you not eating?"

"I'm a great lier. I have my ways"

"Chey?"

"Yes?"

"You need to eat something"

"But I can't"

I have conversations with my friends all the time about how much I eat. I'm tired of arguing. I'm tired of being hungry but not wanting to eat. I'm tired of getting so far behind in school bc I can't stop thinking about my appearance and food.

I made pancakes and cookies earlier with a ton of junk on top. But what did I do with it? I threw it away. I wanted to eat but I couldn't get myself to do it. So I wasted all of it.

Why? Just why? Why do I have to deal with this stupid eating disorder?
God, please tell me to get over it! I can't fight it alone. I really have no good reason to be depressed. When my friends tell me about their problems and what makes them depressed, it makes my problems look stupid so I don't like to talk about it.

I'm just tired of this life!!!

[nothereanymore]

I'm a fucking child. Grow up. Grow up grow up grow up. You're done recovering mentally, now start recovering financially! Get a job and pay your bills and don't plan fun stuff for the future because you can't lose focus on getting a job and getting a job and getting a fucking job because I'm a mooch and I'm lazy and I take and take BUT I'M NOT A FUCKING BURDEN, RIGHT?

[Calaer]

I hate that I always have to second guess myself because of you. You're hateful, mean, and vindictive. I wish you would have just stayed the hell out of my life. You were never around when I was younger, and I wish it could have stayed that way!

[Kate*]

Even if we give her exactly what she says she wants, she won't be happy. Let's just do whatever the fuck we want and let her throw a fit. Because now she's just being extra difficult for the hell of it, and I'm about 2 seconds away from demanding to stay home. I'm way past old enough to decide that. Too bad I probably won't get any food that way.

I get it, you hate us and anyone who disagrees with you. Problem is, you have no clue what you're talking about so just shut up.

Not directed at anyone in particular: There are limits to expectations of accommodation. You can ask for obvious, easy, things, but don't start demanding that everyone else bend over backwards for you. Your sensitivities are your responsibility to manage.

I seriously quit. There's nothing out there for me that I can function with and I'm done fighting this hard to end up with nothing.

Either I'm calling therapists and/or fixing my insurance card tomorrow or it's going to get worse and it might actually kill me. I seriously can't anymore. I was ready to update you because I was doing better, but I guess it's never going to last.

So, you're saying you wasted money and time making food we're not even going to eat because the woman who can't cook has "volunteered" without telling us, to make all the fucking food. Staying home is sounding better and better.

I know learned helplessness has grabbed hold of me, but I can't tell how much of it is depression/anxiety and how much of it is absolutely justified fear of disability-related failure at everything.

[nothereanymore]

"I need sturdy work boots with upper leather and a non slip sole"
"You could just wear tennis shoes like I've got"
...STURDY. WORK. BOOTS. UPPER. LEATHER. NON. SLIP. SOLE. YOU ARE ACTUALLY FUCKING STUPID.

[nothereanymore]

Knew you were gonna find something to bitch about. You always do.

[MWF]

Why in the fuck is straight tinder so much harder than gay tinder? Like, seriously? It's bad enough I suck at real life interaction with girls, but this was supposed to be easy.

[Calaer]

I hate that I've let the house work pile up this much, but I also know there is nothing I can do about it now other than clean. I just wanna be lazy.

[MyVisionIsDying]

NONE OF YOU UNDERSTAND! NONE OF YOU EVER TAKE WHY I FEEL LIKE THIS INTO CONSIDERATION BECAUSE YOU'RE ALWAYS TELLING ME THAT IT IS NORMAL TO FEEL LIKE IT WHEN I'M TELLING YOU IT IS NOT! SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!

[Everglow.]

So beyond tired right now. Every day is the same. Get up, go to work/uni, come home, study until midnight, sleep, wake up feeling like crap, repeat.
I know it's supposed to be worth it. I know. But all I want to do is be gone. Not to take a break or sleep for a bit longer. I just want to be not here for a while, so I don't have to feel so drained constantly.

[nothereanymore]

"I got a job yay -"
"Your grandmother is dying and it's not in our best interest to have you here for when she passes."
Horrendous fucking bitch.
And then you're in a pissy mood too. You two make it so fucking hard to be happy.

[Calaer]

I'm over all the anger over all of you. If you were truly my family, you'd act like it. I just can't handle all of this anymore.

[nothereanymore]

I have more nightmares than I do good dreams. It's been determined that my waking anxiety bleeds into my dreams and causes nightmares but I've got a pretty good handle on it and I'm still having nightmares of someone raping me. And this time the perpetrator resembled my brother. I fucking hate this. The abuse stopped almost ten years ago but I'm still being devastated by it and he's long since gotten over it. I could kill him. No remorse.

[Everglow.]

I don't want to be here. I don't want to live in this house, in the same house as you. You're making every moment I'm here harder and harder. You make me feel like I'm completely helpless, this friendship and this situation, they're hopeless. I can't win. I try and help and you think I'm being a horrible person. I don't help and I'm not there for you. I want to talk and you don't have time. I don't want to talk and I'm not making the effort. You make me so mad and so upset and hurt. We aren't friends anymore. This isn't what friends do to each other. You're stubburn and you're mean.
I can't win. I can't help you.
I don't want to help you anymore...

[Kate*]

Tomorrow is going to be the worst holiday yet. As grateful that I want to be that I survived this long, this crap was something else I would've avoided had I not been.

Don't worry, nobody wants to fucking do this, so why are we?! I don't care anymore, even family isn't worth it. And bonus, I think I gained even MORE weight UGH

My side of this didn't come with a manual, maybe I should write an abridged version for the people who will never come behind me.

I'm the only one in the world who pursued a license and didn't get one. I want my happy ending too damn it.

Don't know why you stated, but STOP calling in the morning! What on earth made you think I'd be up by then?!

This is what I was afraid of.

We walk in the door and the first 2 things you tell me cousin 1 got his nurses license and cousin 2 got a promotion. I got fucked over and broken. All anyone talks about with me anymore is how I've amounted to nothing.

I really wish it would stop haunting me so much. It's been almost two years, it should be better by now. Between that and it constantly smacking me in the face, I never get a break.

You need to pick a side, do you think we can amount to something or are we all doomed to suffer and kill ourselves because of this?! If you're going to be this vocal, people who look to you for guidance need to know where you stand.

I wouldn't be shocked if I'm dealing with trauma from all of this and the underlying reason isn't recognized or treatable. fuck.

I feel so broken.

[Everglow.]

Lovely to feel wanted or missed by the family. Maybe forgotten.
Who knows?

[DemolitionLovers]

I'm so lonely. I can have all the friends in the world, and be in a relationship. I still feel lonely.

[nothereanymore]

I'm going insane

[nothereanymore]

Why does this feel so hard today

All I heard was "you're wrong wrong wrong" but I know you didn't mean it like that. You're not saying I should have done it your way, just giving me your thoughts. So THAT is progress but it still fucking hurt.

Fuck you anxiety!

[nothereanymore]

You're a dick. You've been nothing but aggravating today.

[Calaer]

I hate that I have so much stuff to do. I forgot that I was supposed to help my Mamaw today, and I didn't even do it on purpose. My husband's birthday was last night, and my mother in law kept Ava yesterday night so we could go to the bar and drink. I slept in this morning, and simply and honestly just forgot, but now my family (whom treats her like shit) are making me out to be some sort of monster. WTF.

[MWF]

FUCK OHIO STATE TO HELL

[twinskeletons]

please stop telling me that i "need to pull it together" or that this year will be the year i finally get my shit together because what the fuck do you think i've been trying to do for the past 5 years?? i don't want to be like this fuck off

[Everglow.]

I'm finally breaking.

[Kate*]

Great, tell me in mere sentences that my mom failed as a parent and that I'm never going to accomplish anything that I want because of the thing that already broke me once. Unless you would prefer I be homeless, she's keeping me alive right now. You're a professional, start acting like it.

There is no safe place to discuss this. Even professionals don't think it's real. And I get attacked in the only "support group" that exists.

Why am I only ready to do things on days when they can't be done? By the time I get to Monday, anxiety and depression have returned full force, my sleep schedule is flipped, so they never get done.

Get a fucking hearing aid, the phone volume is deafening me and you still can't fucking hear it! I have to get through phone anxiety to set up the interview now because you can't tell the difference between a sales/survey person and a job calling for me. How do I know if that number is right?! And I have to figure out how to change this light bulb/get the fixture off or take a shower in the pitch black dark. Don't understand why you don't take care of these things. Could've fixed the light yesterday and the toilet's been broken since JULY.

Also, if I manage to make this appointment today, don't ask why I need it or question therapy effectiveness. If you can't see that I need it by NOW you're really not paying attention.

You people and this "choice" thing. She's a DOG, in a new environment, she's not whimpering by "choice" It's instinct.

Please don't call back until I'm awake enough to do this. That's why I never leave messages!

Interview in an hour, I'm glad I didn't do it in her first available slot, but I just want to get it over with now

Don't really want it, can't afford to pass up an offer. Story of my fucking life. You did this to me.

[MWF]

FUCK OHIO STATE. FUCK OHIO STATE, FUCK URBAN MEYER, FUCK JT BARRETT, FUCK CURTIS SAMUEL, FUCK THE REFEREES, AND FUCK THE REST OF THOSE ARROGANT PIECES OF DOGSHIT.

[Everglow.]

Finding it so hard to concentrate when all I can think of is negativity.