Non-PG13 (Strong Language): Screaming thread.

[nothereanymore]

I'm stuck. I don't know how to start moving.

[Kate*]

We've been ahead in the world series from day one, and we've blown 2/3 chances to win it all. It's getting close and they're falling apart!

It's official, EVERYONE but me. How am I supposed to see that and not wonder if I did it to myself?! Or, that any professional I see won't assume the same. I already know they're human. That was the longest break I've gotten though.

Apparently it's not quite done haunting me. This isn't fun at all. Here we go again.

I would love some help. Too bad the only people I'm comfortable reaching out to can't do anything. Anyone else would be too much effort and risk.

It's been almost 2 years and I still can't believe it actually happened, I mean me of all people from there of all places. At least when I explain it, I don't look like the bad guy. I mean legal or not, doing it because of a disability sounds as wrong as it was. Not to mention that if, and/or when they decide you don't belong there (anymore), they turn their backs before you can even blink. This is the stuff of nightmares for a reason and I'm a lot less able than the average person to recover in the first place.

[Kindred]

Everything about this is a struggle.

[Lionheart]

Shut up! I'm trying to concentrate here and if you don't care about the lecture then leave and stop to distract those who actually care. I hate you! So fuck of!

[Everglow.]

at my parents where I apparently have a home and yet my bed is coated in shit and dust and there's not so much as space to put my glasses of a night time. fuck everything.

[nothereanymore]

"It's a cold."
No sinus symptoms or coughing. I also have a fever. Not a cold.
Looks like that thirty years in the medical field isn't all you crack it up to be.

[Brendenjensen]

I was born early, now I'm underweight

[MWF]

God, if you love humanity at all, drop a major news bombshell on Donald Trump over the weekend. Like details about how he RAPED A 13 YEAR OLD?

I'm so done. I couldn't control myself today. No homework has been in three days and my grades will slowly drop as this depression carries this weight on my chest.

"If I died, will you pay for my funeral?" I asked a friend of mine. It was a joke, she didn't take it too seriously. But was it a joke? No, it wasn't. Of course, she wouldn't be the one to pay for it but she might be the one to go to it as well as all the other people who know me. "I take this anymore" and she hugged me.

I'm so stressed out in this life that feels hopeless. I had to talk to the school counselor because of how much I was affected. I couldn't hold still, I wanted to let out this wrath and punch a wall or something. I quit cutting, so I didn't want to relapse. But now I'm into other forms of self harm such as purging. But that has nothing to do with actually wanting to hurt myself. It's about my eating problems.

I'm sorry to all those that care about me. But I'm not sorry to the ones that have put me down and trapped me in this rigid cage of desperation. I'm just done with life. I can't control myself.

[Kate*]

Everyone I know is making a living helping people somehow, and I'm never allowed near people despite wanting and working for it just as much, if not more. I hate my life.

And we're back, but I saw this coming. At least I got to feel amazing for a few days. If only I could have a life I wanted, but it's impossible. I'd feel better about trying that if I didn't have to borrow the money from them. They gave me SO much that got WASTED that I feel too guilty. But it's not like I can find a job and pay for it myself. Maybe that's not the answer after all, but if not that, what?! It's been almost 2 years! It's time to move on with something else, but there's nothing. This is why I want to quit because the terror of not being prepared for the future and the fact that my nightmare could easily become reality are too much.

HOW does it never occur to you that your neighbors need sleep?! 2 days in a row and NO ONE ELSE is doing it right now. But, since you're already at it, can you do ours too? SHUT UP. I would feel better if I could sleep this off, but NO. I'm doing that eventually, I swear to God.

[nothereanymore]

Whatever I have isn't serious for me to be this exhausted. Wtf. Not strep, not tonsillitis, not a cold, not the flu, but a viral infection of some sort. I am so frickin tired.

[Celyn]

Headache!! Grr

[nothereanymore]

Love when my body just kinda goes "pfft" and I get that room spinning hot flash sweating all over incoherence weakness dizziness thing. I drink a big glass of water and lie down and kinda quickly crash and fall asleep. Definitely something to do with dehydration. But it's no fun. AND I'M ALREADY SICK I DONT ENJOY THIS. SHIT.

[Clarent]

can i please not forget to check my work schedule next week thanks

[nothereanymore]

This was never a good neighborhood. We either got a firecracker thrown at us or we got shot at last night.

[Everglow.]

Feeling so lonely tonight.

[nothereanymore]

Love reaching out for help and being told I wear people out.
Love not having anyone to talk to or hang out with at times like this even though I've been reaching out socially for months. No money, no car, say it with me... no friends. And apparently there's a time limit on how unwell you can be after surviving a near fatal suicide attempt and how long it can possibly take you to get back to totally functional. i.e. three months. Three months. I still have trouble showering and eating on a healthy basis and according to you I'm supposed to be working and not having days like this. Fuck you. Fuck everybody for fucking lying to me all this time. Have I not been saying all this time that people haven't walked their talk?
I. Wish. I'd. Choked. I wish I'd fucking choked.

[Kate*]

Mom is throw up sick and I'm probably doomed to get it even though I feel fine, my life is permanently destroyed, and my country is fucking screwed. I can't do this, but mostly the vomit thing.

If you say that thoughts are a choice, you're saying emotions are a choice, and that mental illness is therefore also a choice. Fuck off.

You want to know why "it's not getting any better?" It's DEGENERATIVE! Degeneration is in the NAME of the thing for fuck sake!!!! Either you're losing it, or you're not taking responsibility for your care, even to the extent that you can't REMEMBER your own diagnoses/prognoses. I seriously quit.

Everyone says that you have to make something happen. You can't just sit around waiting for a miracle. But where do you even start when you've lost so much, are left with so little, have almost no options through no fault of your own, and no one understands your very real limitations, so they either think you did it to yourself, aren't trying hard enough, or are just somehow stupid? I'm recovered enough that if I knew what to do, I'd be doing it. Until you've walked in my shoes don't judge me. I'm doing the best I can, and I'm more screwed by it than you are.

Why don't I sleep on Tuesdays or Wednesdays? I only go about 5 hours, but I'm wide awake.

[Everglow.]

Tomorrow is your birthday and you're not here anymore.
I miss you more than you could imagine. I wish you could celebrate it here with the people who love you.
I love you.

[Tigereyes]

I can't do this anymore. I just can't do this anymore. I've tried so haRd for so long and where did it get me? Why did I even bother wasting my time? I can't get better. It's all just bullshit. I can't do this anymore. I'm sorry.. there's no one there for me. Everyone left. Everyone hates me or is too far gone to be there for me. I'm alone. Always have been, always will be. And now I just want this to end. I don't care anymore. I don't care at all. I'm done.

[.:PrincessZelda:.]

No one cares. Why am I still fighting when there's no point in fighting anymore? No one would care if I died. Everyone hates me.

[nothereanymore]

Okay, so it was a strain of strep. Look how smart you are for insisting it was a cold even though the symptoms were never there. Fucking stupid. Also thanks for not having a shred of sympathy for me when I cried to you about her dying. Those cupcakes you were making for your friends are more important, I know. Having a firecracker thrown at me wasn't important to you either. But yeah, you're here for me, aren't you?
Not important to anyone. Recovery is a waste of effort. I was so determined but this life I'm living is the best I can do. Useless. So many methods at my disposal.

[Haunted]

let's just take a moment and talk, ok?
I have had it, I have reached the point of no return, I cannot stand anyone anymore.
To my father: you can call me stubborn, you can tell me I'm impatient, you can say I'm quick to anger, asocial, too shy. Say whatever the hell you please, that doesn't change who I am, and 'who I am' is a 20-year-old WOMAN, who has gone through depression, self harm, mild suicidal tendencies, and anxiety; a woman who has been living with a chronic illness for 10 years; a woman who has already been to the funeral of one of her closest friends, and has seen nearly every other one disappear soon after; a woman who has had to be strong and support you, because my sister was diagnosed with leukaemia and you couldn't keep it together, and I understood; a woman who has heard you yelling so many times that I'm now scared of you, and you once jokingly claimed I haven't seen what you can do when you are truly angry; a woman who is still struggling with anxiety, but hasn't said a word about it because you don't know what anxiety feels like and you belittle it. You can think whatever you want about me, but that doesn't change who I am, and who I am is someone stronger and better than you in every possible way, because in spite of everything, I'm still going. When I hurt someone, I apologise, because my mental state doesn't excuse my behaviour. If I have to take my stress out on something, I take it out on a piece of paper, not on you. When someone tells me they have a problem, I help them, I don't dismiss them because their problems aren't a big deal. And you probably think I'm weak, that I get too stressed, that I let other people's troubles get to me and destroy me. I am not weak, I know what I can do. If I take other people's burdens is because I know I can hold them, and not once have I shown that I can't. You could go outside and scream. Tell everyone how terrible you think my personality is, I don't care, because I know I can go outside and redeem myself. If I were to go outside and do the same to you, you'd be fucked.
To the strangers, those who like minding my business: I don't care that you think I'm crazy for wanting to leave this country. I don't care that you think not going to university was a bad decision. I don't care that you think I look horrible with blue hair. I just plainly don't care what you think. I don't even care what my parents have to say about my ways, why would I listen to you? It actually disgusts me how self-entitled you all are, how important you think your opinion is and how little mine matters to you. I understand you don't know where I've been, but that is no excuse for treating me like I'm nothing. I'm young, it's true, but how come I am an adult when it comes to finding a job, or taking care of my house, or interacting with people, while I'm only a child when it comes to expressing my opinion?
To my best friend: no, I'm not 'an anxious person', I have anxiety. It disheartens me to know that, after all I've been through, you still don't understand. You were there when I got hospitalised and I thought you knew why. I thought you knew, because I'm sure I've told you. But now when I tell you that driving is scary, you say it's normal, and when I try to explain why what I feel isn't normal, you tell me I need to learn how to rationalise. And when I try to tell you that I cannot stop the thoughts, you tell me I need to learn how to rationalise. And when I try to tell you that I'm scared of phone calls, you say it happens to you too; and now I'm scared of telling you that yes, phone calls are scary, but so are texts, and emails, and talking to people face to face.

[MWF]

I think its the end of the world. Fuck it. In my lifetime, too. The Cubs won the World Series, Donald Fucking Trump is our president... What the fuck else can happen?

[Kate*]

I hope all the "reluctant" and self-righteous people who did this realize what they've done before he destroys the entire fucking country. A reluctant, uninformed, or a "done for the sake of rebellion" vote is still a valid vote.

Unless you would've been more mature had this been reversed, you have no right to attack people for disagreeing with the most narcesisstic bigot who we AGREE has ever been elected. Stop being self-righteous about winning. You're proving why we don't want him.

That "loud bang and then me coughing" you heard was the neighbors, who apparently never sleep and run yard equipment 24 fucking 7. I just happened to be up at that exact second. Interesting that you can hear them and not me when I'm fucking SCREAMING at you!

I'm in that awkward place of ready to move on with no idea what to move on to. That makes the most sense, but is it worth it, or is it a waste?


I HATE this, why do my interests and abilities have to be polar opposites?! The only thing that makes logical sense sounds like it would bore me to death.

The fact that that will always be an option that no one can take away from me is the only hope I'm clinging to.

[Everglow.]

Can't you just leave now? I didn't want you here last night let alone today. I don't want you here either. Both go. Ugh. I hate seeing you all over each other. Spilling shit on the floor and sofas we cleaned yesterday, leaving rubbish everywhere. Just go out. Do something instead of being in my way.

[MWF]

God fucking dammit, I hate you Hillary Clinton. You and the Goddamn DNC. Bunch of fucking idiots. "You can't vote for Trump, he hates (THE SAME PEOPLE YOU HATE!!!)!" Good fucking strategy, and thats only a small fraction of what went wrong. And good job, Obama, with "incrementalism". Yup, really made the country happy! You really fought hard for liberal ideals, things that would've made poor rural people happy! Oh, nope, you didn't do that, because YOUR DONORS PAY THE DEMOCRATS TO LOSE.
Oh, and that crazy, old, Jewish Socialist? The one you drove out of the primary? He would've beat Trump over the head with a baseball bat in this election! He would've made him look like a dumbass at the debates, but more importantly, A LOSER! The complete opposite of what rural countryfolk thought they voted for! And now look! That brilliant, dynastic woman who was about to break the glass ceiling? She just got slaughtered and left for dead in front of the entire world! It wasn't even close! GOOD FUCKING JOB!!!

[Jordioa18]

For the people that hates that Trump has won, I got a little secret for you

The reason Clinton lost is because of WikiLeaks releasing the Podesta e-mails which has some damning stuff in it (Pedo ring where the democratic party is in (Including Bill Clinton and Barack Obama), rigging everything against Sanders and trying to do the same with Trump and spirit cooking) and it's also the DNC's fault for trying general f*ckery with the elections. Trump winning essentially had to happen, that's not an insult, that's just a fact of life

[MWF]

Yeah, well guess what? Obama and/or the Clintons could have a child sex ring in the oval office with reporters around and they would STILL be better at governing than Donald Trump. Not to mention, THEY don't have throngs of despicable fans screaming, "lügenpresse", "Jew S A," or "Seig Heil." Nope, that belongs to you guys. And THAT is what we're worried about, the stupid neanderthals running around thinking its perfectly acceptable to yell "nigger", "faggot", and who knows what else.
And do you actually believe that the most powerful person in the world has been involved in a pedo ring? Because I sure don't. I bought into (and still buy into) a lot of what Julian Assange was leaking, but that entire last batch of data was completely ridiculous. It was just meant to galvanize the evangelicals into voting.
On the other hand, Trump was about to go to court next month for raping a 13 year old, but his terrible supporters scared her shitless, so she gave up.

I am in agreeance on the DNC rigging the election against Bernie. I figure we should find some common ground... because I feel like an ass. I haven't slept in three days, so my anxiety is through the roof. But keep in mind that in four years, this is the end of modern conservatism. Trump will destroy it. That's not bad for me or you, because this country will come out of this nightmare far stronger than we came into it.

Sometimes I dislike how my boyfriend lives in denial.

[MyVisionIsDying]

Sometimes I wish that my friends didn't speak to me for at least a day because I'm tired and I don't want to be bothered.

[Calaer]

I can already tell today is going to be a long day.

[MWF]

This has been the longest week ever. Possibly 10 hours of sleep since Sunday. Fuck this paper.

[MWF]

Got my tin foil hat on now... WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!!

[Everglow.]

It's cool all I really want to do is come home from a 7 hour day of reading uni tet books to clean up after you people. I live for being treated like your mother. Really. Keep making a fucking mess I love it.

[nothereanymore]

Only decent guy I've met and now he's not interested anymore. That came out of nowhere.

[Kate*]

Paper plates and alcohol, sounds about right. The holidays are going to be HELL this year. Can I just stay home?

Your lawn/yard is fine, the lack of sleep I get because you refuse to understand that, is not.

I can't do this, I'm done.

This whole societal concept of everybody being responsible for themselves would be fucking awesome if it only happened in reality. And, no I'm not a huge fan of it in every context. When you tell someone that they are responsible for their own reactions and emotions, you're saying that anybody can do, say, or hurt another person however much they want and it's okay because the victim can just "decide" that it didn't hurt. What the fuck?!

I don't think I could ever handle being back there for more than a meeting; it's just too painful. Even though things get better, it still has the power to crush me back to death.

If it lapses again YOU FIX IT this time. Especially after what happened last time.

I failed and passed at the same time. Life is impossible for me that way. I can't do it anymore. I tried, I failed, and I quit. I know you're not proud of me anymore. I'm sorry.

My life is like watching a train wreck. I do EVERYTHING right, but still watch the worst case scenarios that happen only to me completely destroy it all anyway and there's nothing I can do about it, while being told I "chose" it and that it's a "self-fulfilling prophecy". After almost 30 years of that, it collapsed worse than ever and I can't get up this time. These are cumulative and each one is bigger and harder than the one before it. That last one broke me and I finally learned when to quit. I'm not fighting and working that hard to lose EVERYTHING and get blamed for it again. I'm finally saying NO MORE.

I still believe in feeling feelings, not forcing them, but I will control myself. I hope you're right about "life knows what it's doing" because I'm lost. And I hope you learned something from me and that my dream turned disaster didn't die in vain.

Good news, I'm dreaming again. Bad news, guess who showed up in them.

They're NOT the same thing, I can be qualified to do both, but at nowhere near the same time. And I've checked there daily, sometimes more than that for almost 2 years now. They don't just suddenly appear there.

[MWF]

Oh my God... I just wrote a paper that was so shitty that it made me want to change me major 3 years in. Not ADD a different major and keep psychology, FUCKING DROP MY MAJOR AND CHANGE IT.

[Phantom_Girl]

Well having the police in my room really wasn't how I was planning on spending my night.

[nothereanymore]

My feet hurt. And I got my period two days early. And he's not talking to me. And I'm still poor and jobless. And my writing isn't going that well. Lot of stuff going good but there's still some irritating/hurtful stuff.