Non-PG13 (Strong Language): Screaming thread.

[nothereanymore]

Panic attack

[Rivière]

STOP BARGING INTO MY ROOM. I'm 25 years old. I shouldn't have to lock my door, or lock myself away somewhere just to get my privacy. Suddenly I'm reminded why these 3 weeks can't go fast enough.

[Kate*]

There's still a part of me that needs to know how much of it was really my fault, how much of it was theirs, and how much was just fate.

You know what I want more than anything and what I'm capable of. Just let me have what I deserve for once and stop what I wish it had been from haunting me.

If I were actually capable of anything this wouldn't be so bad, but I'm not, so I get to never have a life, fun fun. I wanted to contact you before school started as not to annoy you, but oh well. I'll wait a few more weeks then.

I feel so weird, this needs to go away.

My heart aches for it, and so I am haunted.

10 minutes ago I was actually okay, now I'm in tears.

I'm haunted again. What do you do when you can't let go of the only thing you ever wanted that you know will never happen and the best way to do that won't work on you because you're the exception to everything?! If I reached out again and it failed again, I don't know if I could handle that. If I don't, I don't know how long I can hold on. I HATE dumping it all on her like that, but right now she's my only option. I feel like I'm taking advantage of the friendship because I'm so fucked up right now, and then it's one more thing to beat myself up over.

All I want is a functional life,that I won't hate. I don't understand why that has to be so fucking hard!!!

[Calaer]

Why is there always a need for hatefulness and arguments? I just want everyone to get along and to be happy. Is that so much to ask for?

[nothereanymore]

Literally get off my bed it's clean and you're not

[Everglow.]

Always nice to know you matter in your own house. Arguments every day over one thing and you do the very same thing again the very next day. We're in the wrong though, not you. How could you ever be in the wrong?

[Calaer]

I have a lot of things to do today, and even more to do tomorrow, and I don't think I'm prepared for it.

[JustSoCasual]

get out of my life because i hate the fact i still care about you.

[Kate*]

Rejected again, fucking awesome. Throwing in the towel sounds AMAZING right now.

"You're obviously smart. You have options "

Thanks, but it's the kind of smart I can't use, so I may as well not have it, the options you claim I have don't really exist, and I invested so much there that there's hardly anything left to pursue something else (which of course doesn't exist in the first place.)

"It's possible, ...but it will be harder than most" Exactly, and we have fewer resources than most too. All the more reason not to bother.

And now it's haunting me too. I would ask how anyone else survives this, but there is no one else. I'm the only one destined for the hell that is now my life. I want to tell you this, but there's nothing you can do. Maybe I just want to guilt trip you for playing any role and then having the ability to walk away. Maybe I'm hoping against hope that you'll offer me some solace, but I'm not entitled to your empathy anymore. I want relief that's not coming, from a struggle that will never end. I don't know how long I can do this for. Save me.

I worked my ass off to suffer, struggle, fail, and die. That was real worth it. I quit.

Not only do I not get to have the life I dreamed of for so long and worked so damn hard for, I don't get to have one at all.

Accepting a worthless waste of a life is a very interesting process.

You say creepy, I say prophetic.

[nothereanymore]

"You're not a burden."

"Start pulling your weight. Don't go out with someone unless you can pay them back. Stop asking for things."

I knew you were lying. Don't fucking tell me I'm not a burden. THAT'S ALL I'VE BEEN HEARING.

[Calaer]

I really wish I didn't have to do so much today. I just want to sit around and relax.

[Everglow.]

How about stop treating your friends like dirt on your shoe? Youdon't want the fights but yu do nothing to change the behavious tha's causing them. It's depressing and aggravating and damn out of order. We're done nothing. You're rude and selfish tbh and I'm not gonna put up with the snapping and rudeness and disrespect. I've cut a lot of people out of my life for less and I'm not gonna keep puttng up with it from soeone who's suppsoedly my best friend.

[Forging Galaxies]

Sick of pretending to be this...

[nothereanymore]

There's something wrong with me. I'm actually fucking defective

[Kate*]

I can either try to get a referral from a doctor I've never seen, or wait an extra 2 months and do it next year. This is so fucking stupid. Why do I need approval from a doctor I've never seen for a specialist who REQUESTED that I see her more than once?! The last doctor who took this never asked for one, but maybe he didn't know what he was doing.

A life where I do nothing and have almost no one isn't enough anymore, but there's nothing I'm capable of and few will want to deal with me, so nothing and practically no one is better than failing and falling apart again.

I'm not going to call to deal with this tomorrow because I've called before and they said to do what I just did. I can get a referral, but not until I can see the doctor I just switched to. Might be better off postponing it for the 2 months and then explain the situation to her. I don't want to do it that way, but it's not like anything has changed, doesn't make sense to get the stupid referral to have her tell me everything is the same.

This has gone exactly the way I knew it would only worse. I have NO IDEA how I'm going to recover from this, or if I ever will. Most people with this don't have lives, maybe I should just give up on having one now.

Another bad day, here we go. I'm just going to start calling the bad days normal and consider any good ones anomalies I don't deserve. Same with people and events. If I had a way out, I'd be long gone by now.

What do you do when it's never going to end and get worse to the point that you can't cope later if you decide to stay.

I keep thinking better of doing this. It's the only open door there's really been for me, but I'm completely torn and it's not like there's money involved.

As much as I want to believe everything will be okay, I can't see it ever happening and people are living out my worst nightmare with this every fucking day.

[nothereanymore]

I'm so upset. I don't know why I can't stop thinking about it. The thought of someone touching me is upsetting. This is fucking terrible. I want it but I don't.

[nothereanymore]

Ashamed and afraid to be a female in this country because God forbid someone rapes me. I actually have nightmares and get caught up in imagining it and not being able to stop myself from doing so. It is an everyday fear. Melodramatic, maybe, but apparently valid because if it ever happens I would be ridiculed and shamed and blamed and the person responsible would walk away free to do it again.
I'm going to end up agoraphobic.

[Kate*]

This is why there is a stigma. This "most influential" person I've never even heard of. And yes, I know the theory, but if anything it's an issue of unclear or over diagnosis NOT a lack of existence. Anyone who doesn't believe in mental illness or neurologically-based disorders has never experienced them in any capacity. One day is all it would take to change their minds.

Thank God I remembered that I'm not safe in that group before posting in it.

It's only a matter of time now. I've had enough.

Actually it was. You might want to know your shit before saying that. Ignorance is one thing, but you don't have to be an ass about it while you think you know everything. Yeah, I responded even though I fought with myself about it. I can deal with the backlash, I know I'm right. I have nothing to prove. But this is why I don't want to submit my own stuff. It's hard enough to deal with this shit when it's directed at other people. I couldn't handle it directed at me; especially now.

If you would have just allowed me to do it like I deserved to, I wouldn't have to deal with it this way. I want the life I earned back.

I'm so far gone that that doesn't feel like an option anymore. If a productive life were actually possible with this, I'd consider it, but it's not. And even if that were an option and it "cured" me, I've still lost the only real reason that I wanted to be cured in the first place. Impossible and not worth it. And, no I don't appreciate being told how awesome your dream job is (that you got a month after graduating) into the field that I lost to have nothing instead.

Wow, just wow. No, telling someone that someone else has it worse than them does NOT help, and going from the inspiration porn angle, really... I expected better.

I can't/don't want to do any of this shit. All the more reason to let go now.

These used to be huge on me, now they fit UGH

[Ghoulish]

Hey, mum. Why won't you accept what dad did to me?

[nothereanymore]

I don't deserve friends.

[Clarent]

WHERE IS MY BLOODY JACKET?!

[Calaer]

I wish you were a better person.

[nothereanymore]

But yeah, tell me more about how I'm not an inconvenience. You're a fucking liar lol

[nothereanymore]

It's ridiculous how little it bothers me, the thought of walking out of my house at two in the morning to find some traffic to walk into.
"Passive suicidal thoughts are normal for where you're at."

[nothereanymore]

I am in the exact same place I was the night of July 20th and goddamn it I don't want to be ALIVE.

[Kate*]

I have no idea why you're doing this at the crack of dawn, but if it continues much longer I'm not going to sleep.

It won't be long now, started off really well and now we're back to this. I can't. I just can't; and there's nothing you can do. I have given up. Even if you actually cared, which you don't because you don't have to, I'm too far gone. But it's not because I didn't try or gave up; I just finally learned when to quit.

And now I can't even do that because you're so good. At least you'll have a job and can do it as a hobby, I'd have to rely on it for income and I know that no one makes enough from it to live on.

I have gifts and I want to use them to make a difference and support myself. Too bad it'll never happen because of my deficits. And why do I feel like I'm going back there?! It will never happen what part of that can my brain and heart not get?

Everyone kept saying "You're young, you can start over." The problem is that this collapsed literally everything and it couldn't have come at a worse time. I'm supposed to be starting the life I planned, not recovering from the one I couldn't start because of who I am and floundering to figure it all out again while expecting to fail like always. This isn't a self-fulfilling prophecy, it went the other way.

Well, that was pointless, but I've had it go worse.

Every. Single. One. I was supposed to be one too, you know.

So, you're saying I'm not even allowed to consider either of the only two solutions that I can come up with?! The sooner you accept my fate, the easier it will be. And no, telling me I have good relationships with family I never see doesn't help. That's not even why.

This shooting range needs to not exist 3 hours of sleep because of it. SHUT UP

[Everglow.]

What an absolutely crap day in the end. I'm not sure how I'm going to cope with this.. fuck.

[MyVisionIsDying]

Fucked up as I always do. Feeling like an absolute fucking prick. But then, what else is new?

[nothereanymore]

All-around terrible, fucked-up person.

[Calaer]

I hate that I have to go do things today. I really just want to stay home.

[Everglow.]

Waiting is one of the worst parts..

[Everglow.]

Trying to keep myself busy do I don't cry all night again but I can already feel it creeping up on me. I miss her so much already and she's not even gone yet. I really don't know how to cope.

[nothereanymore]

So much turning over and over in my head and no way to let any of it out
i want to bleed it out. all of it. every single detail of it. there's nothing else

[Calaer]

I hate that I have to leave the house today. I think my anxiety is starting to get bad again. I have no idea what to do or how to handle this.

[Everglow.]

Please don't. I know it's not a big deal and normally I'd probably have a minor go about it and move on but if you start on me right now even about something small I'm either gonna snap and really upset you or I'll cry and break down on the spot. Please. It's so not the best time to be having any sort of negative conversation unless you want me to shut myself away until I stop crying.

[nothereanymore]

If I could stop being so goddamn selfish I wouldn't be where I'm at

[Everglow.]

Stop being happy. I'm sorry. I love you.

[Kate*]

I'm still here, but I have no idea why.

I'd respond, but I'm sure they're all sick of me and I've already been attacked by that community enough for not being one of them. Ironic, since most people think I actually am.

I'd reach out to you in a last ditch effort to save myself, but I'm not your job anymore. Even when I was, no one did anything about it and if I expect too much and end up disappointed, it'll just make everything worse.

Gotta love when depression ruins your Saturday

I still don't want to deal with any of this crap that wasn't caused by me, and I don't want to deal with the fact that my life is in shambles. Instead of living my dream, I'm picking up the pieces. At least my GPA was spared, and if they didn't lie to me, my reputation.

Slept for 12 hours, woke up at 5 PM WTF

Walk ONE FUCKING DAY in my shoes. If you're still alive, we'll talk about you judging me for doing what I have to do to keep breathing. You're all a bunch of assholes. If either of us is immature, it's you.

I held on for so long for things that I know now are impossible. I'm done. There is absolutely no point in fighting this hard to have nothing and lose everything. And, as a side effect of all this, I'm fat now too. Fucking awesome.

[nothereanymore]

I'm gonna be awake all night now and I don't know how the fuck I'm gonna make it.

I just have to get through the next five days. I'll just read as much as I can.