Non-PG13 (Strong Language): Screaming thread.

[Calaer]

I hate having to push though something that I really don't want to do. I know this is going to help me in the long run, but I just can't stand it.

[Celyn]

Can't concentrate/focus -_-

[Everglow.]

Shitty day. Kind of want to break down and cry. I'm done. I'm tired of life.

[nothereanymore]

I am a trash can. I am a disgusting human being.

[MWF]

To my best friend: You are a chronically stupid motherfucker who is sabotaging his own marriage.

[nothereanymore]

D e a d .

[CainPain987]

I've already done all the fucking bullshit you wanted me to do! Shut the hell up damnit! What else do I need to do, suck your fucking ass?

[Kate*]

It was an idea, I just don't like it. And I still don't get how it would be less interactive than something that would fit my interests better.

I keep going back to that, so the next question to myself is this: If I don't at least ask about it, will I regret it. So far, the answer is yes.

You had a baby, your body has changed. STOP OBSESSING about getting your old one back. I am sick to death of every post being fitness, health, and workout related. Between your stuff and her sales scam, I'm pissed as hell at Facebook.

[MyVisionIsDying]

Someone tried to log into my account on Chrome for Windows 7... I have Firefox and Windows 10 and now I'm feeling very anxious and on edge. Fuck.

[jamdoughnut]

GOOD DAMNIT I JUST WANT TO SLEEP
Pleeeeeeeaaaasss just let me sleep

[MyVisionIsDying]

People are actually pissed that a tube station is having a trial to allow commuters to stand on both sides of the escalator. I'm sorry but the minute or two taken off by walking up an escalator (which, oh yeah, are MOVING STAIRS) is not going to make a fucking difference with reaching a destination quicker. It's not the end of the fucking world, people need to deal with it and stop being so fucking impatient all the damned time when travelling. I fucking hate people...

[Calaer]

I wish things were easier. I wish that I could just have some peace. I simply cannot handle all of this fighting. I just want everyone to get along.

[Kate*]

Anxiety for absolutely no reason and tired at the same time, this is fun!

It's going to be one of "those days". Can I PLEASE stop getting slapped in the face with the fact that everyone is passing the test I'll never take?! I don't even know her for crying out loud! And the day was bad before that.

Anxiety for no reason, or misplaced excitement about something else I can't have? Either way it sucks.

I know it would be a long shot to even try for, but I think if I'm not 100% convinced, then I shouldn't do it, but maybe it's better that way because I won't be completely crushed (again) if I end up not doing or getting it. It's not going to hurt to contact, I probably won't get a response anyway. It can't be an alternative just because of what happened, but I can't deny it's a factor here.

[Calaer]

I hate that every time I try and call a business, I get put through to an answering machine. For goodness sake, hire someone to answer the phones for you if you can't do it yourself.

[Lotus Eater]

I'm hurt. But I'm not surprised. It's the same thing, over and over again.

[Celyn]

Started dissociating again today. Hope it was nothing. Ridiculously tired right now

[MWF]

The fucking count to fifty game.
*Shakes fist in the air*

[jamdoughnut]

Im really missing my ruby......
(Please tell me somebody got that reference)....
im so exhausted, and im tired of waiting for something to happen, for my life to gain meaning. Tired Of being alone practically all of the time, in every way imaginable... how do you not lose your mind? I know that i need patience, to wait for the right time, but how can i? I know im not ready, that i need to trust, but thats so hard.so hard. I just want to feel loved, to be understood, to feel like i can trust and to feel like i have someone who thinks like i do. The closest person to that right now is my dogs.
I just dont want to be alone anymore.
oh god, wheres my ruby?

[.:PrincessZelda:.]

Why am I still here? Why am I still alive?

[Kate*]

Not TH related

That is supposed to be a "support" group, and I don't even feel safe sharing any more of my own stuff because I don't need to be told that you "had to restart my entire life on a much smaller scale and it was hard and it's still hard every day." (I'm suicidal over this, I can't handle hard right now, and I certainly can't admit that to you) or be made to feel guilty for having my time wasted because I was called in to interview for a job I wasn't qualified for, and told that "yeeahh, that's not really how (the job market, I guess?) you do it." when that's EXACTLY what you fucking do it when you're in my shoes and desperate, or have solutions suggested to me that I already know won't work because I tried them, and made to feel lazy for not "trying" or resisting them; or being discussed behind my back on my own post about how I don't "seem ready" for "steps" that aren't even a fucking option! When only I, or a qualified professional (which you are NOT), would be able to gauge, and not over the internet. Then I ask for help in doing what was suggested several times, and am told "You won't find a good professional who takes Medicaid." You know what? If I didn't need one who took Medicaid, I probably wouldn't need one at all, and it became clear VERY quickly that I knew A LOT more than any of you, making that post a waste of my time.

I want advice about whether this is even worth exploring further or if I'm at serious risk of the same thing happening again, and this would probably be the best place to bring it up, but I can't. Now you're correcting her for the way she chooses to speak about her own experience of her own disorder. Are you fucking kidding me?! And bonus, when I mentioned this discomfort to you, I was told to "breathe" and your behavior was defended and excused. So much for "support" I've only been there a few months and I'm already considering running for the hills. I will continue to advise in comments on other people's posts, and give much better advice and help than I've gotten, but I've deleted most of my own without responses, and the fear of judgement that keeps me from posting is very real. I'm trying it again against my better judgement out of desperation, and taking everything with a grain of salt. And... Regretting it because I was told that I have to "help yourself" because I haven't tried vocational rehab (which almost every person who has, has complained that it's a waste of time.) And why can't I vent, but everyone else can?! They get "We can relate" type posts, I get "You have to help yourself, you're not really trying" type posts. This is why I don't ask for help people, because this shit happens every fucking time. I stopped notifications and probably won't get any more help because I went off on someone who told me I wasn't trying when she has no clue, and was talking out of both sides of her mouth. I'm pretty sure I'm giving up on this, but I "tried." Plus, I'm giving A LOT better than I'm getting; part of me is thinking that if the help I get in return is borderline insulting, then you don't deserve to have me help you. I don't have to defend anything I say or do. Especially to strangers on the Internet.

I can't do this, I just can't. As for that, I'm more than tempted to not bother. It's not like these end up being worth it. A 90 minute drive for a 15 minute interview for a job I won't get and don't really want, yeah. Except I don't have a fucking choice.

[Kintsukuroi.]

It's a quarter past three and I'm still awake.

[MWF]

The entire city is hammered and partying right now. I hate my personality so much.
Edit to avoid double post: my best friend is throwing an end of semester bash even though he hasn't done jackshit EXCEPT smoke while at school. And what about his fucking marriage?!
Triple edit: I'm the worst bisexual ever.

[jamdoughnut]

GOD MOTHER FUCKING DAMNIT. also what the hell is a jelly straw?

[Lotus Eater]

I'm constantly finding myself back at square one.

[Kate*]

The ONE time the email doesn't show up.

As long as nothing crazy goes wrong with the background check (because there's nothing on it) I FINALLY got a job! Not sure whether I hope it lasts or not. I should be happy about this, but there's a part of me that I'm not sure ever will be.

I don't know if I can do this.

[Skyline]

I wish you were here for me, but I'm not angry at you for not being here, because it's not your fault. However, as it always is in these situations, I still feel like I was the victim of some injustice. Maybe the fact that I feel exploited and taken advantage of, that I lost my virginity to someone who didn't care for me in the way I cared for them. I just don't know anything anymore, because I honestly think I was in love with you. I say "was" because I'm doing my best to let go of that now. Anyway. I wish you the best, I hope you get into the animation school you dream of getting into, and I hope you feel well.
Signed, The Girl With Who You Lost Your Virginity. I mean, come on... let's not pretend that I'll be remembered by you as anything more than that.

[User Anon.]

Dear God,

I already prayed for my heart to stop beating. Why am I still living? I said I don't want to anymore. Are you even listening? Please. Take me away from this world. I want to die. Please.

Dear Parents,

Yeah. That's it. Tell me I'm worthless. That'll help. Tell me I'm a disgrace. That'll make me feel better. I'm tired of this. Everyday. I don't care anymore. You could as well be shouting at the walls for all I care. I'm ruining my life? I don't think so. I don't have to do that since you're doing it for me already. Thank you for making me what I am.

Dear 'friends',

You suck. Don't ever tell me it's going to be okay. Don't you dare tell me you can relate. Don't you ever even TRY to understand me. And don't expect me to tell you everything and approach you. Why should I? You don't deserve it. I'm always here for you and yet you're never here when I need you. I give you all, you give me none.

Dear Best Friend,

I love you. Thank you so much for trying to understand me. Thank you for being here and trying to help out.

Dear Guardian Angel,

You know I love you more than anyone/anything else. Why are you always so busy? Why can't we spend more time together? Why do you not love yourself, do you not see how amazing you are? How can you hate yourself when you are YOU? Don't you get it? You're amazing and you always will be. How hard is it to comprehend that you're a good person? What should I do to convince you?

Dear (I don't even know who this is addressed to),

I always do my best to love you. I'm always being kind and polite. I don't ever say anything even though you annoy the hell out of me. How many times will you disappoint me? Quit telling me you're sorry. Cuz I know you aren't. I love you with all my heart and I'm always doing sweet things for you. But you don't ever make me feel loved. Yet I say nothing. I don't expect anything back from you. But the least you can do is acknowledge it. And whoever you are, it doesn't hurt to let me know that you care. And a kind deed or sweet thing done once in a while would be nice, for a change.

I'm tired.

Dear Heart,

Please stop beating. I don't need you to supply blood anymore. Why cant you just take a break? 3 minutes is enough, I'll be brain dead. That's good enough. I don't wanna feel anymore.

[Jordioa18]

I cut myself for the first time in four years... Fucking hell...

[MWF]

Motherfucker. I just remembered I have an assignment due in six hours. I wanted to go to bed.

[Kate*]

Hours worth of waves of raging anxiety for no reason, except I think it's work related (already) and I haven't even started yet. I really can't do this right now and the thought of dealing with tomorrow, them and her, plus the broken (but functional) toilet and starting a new job plus an anxiety disorder. I can't.

[Lotus Eater]

There is nothing and no one. I am nothing and no one.

[Kate*]

Considering how part-time this job is, it seems like a lot more trouble than it's worth. Most of it is sorted out now except fixing my W-4, notifying Medicaid so I don't get in trouble, and waiting for the manager to call me with my first day/schedule. Guess what? I don't want it anymore, I want my old life back so bad right now. I want better for myself than what's expected from people with this diagnosis, I'm lost and miserable, and I hate it.

It's like that pharmacy commercial says, I'm at the corner of "life won't ever be what I imagined" and "Still not okay with it" I doubt they have any quick solution to this one.

Considering how good I am at it without pressure, I'm not convinced it would've been impossible, especially with the crap that went on behind the scenes there. I want to finish it SO bad right now.

I am hired, right? You were supposed to call with the schedule by now.

[Calaer]

I hate that you do this to me, and you don't bat an eye while you do it.

[jamdoughnut]

I have to do this. I have to do this. Please let me do this. Focus. Focus. Focus. Please focus. Pleeeeaaase just focus and get it done. You got this.

[MWF]

I'm not screaming because I'm pissed. I'm screaming because I'm high. And I'm not screaming, I'm typing. Very calmly.

[Resilient]

Go to hell.

[Kate*]

So far today I've been woken up by my neighbors felling a tree with multiple chainsaws and read statuses in which my, (counselor) friends insulted humanity for a lack of commitment and sacrifice for others and clearly declared (again), that "happiness is a choice." And I'm not even out of bed yet. Faith in humanity lost.

This alone isn't a good enough reason to leave, but seriously?! I'm allowed to mention that something made me uncomfortable, made me think about something in depth without it being scrutinized. If anyone is overthinking this (not to mention NOT LISTENING), it's you.

I REALLY don't want to do this, not only do I want my old life back (or maybe just the career that I would've had with it), but I really don't want to do this anymore.

[MyVisionIsDying]

I somehow deserved to have fallen down the fucking stairs because I'm a fucked up piece of shit. The pain my foot is causing me will surely compensate for how badly I beat myself up over being screwed up in the fucking head. Fuck everything. Fuck. It. All.

[jamdoughnut]

I can't get up. I don't have the strength. God please help me.
Who the hell washes dishes at eight in the morning? I was finally sleeping! And now I have to go pretend to eat something because I can't do that either. Fuck.
I'm trying to scream, but I can't. I'm done. It's over. I can't get back up again. I can't get out of this. No hope, no strength. It's gonna take another miracle to pull me out of this one.

[jamdoughnut]

Aaaaaaaand I'm back

I just want to feel loved. That would solve the majority of my problems. I really just want someone to love and someone who loves me. How many times do I have to say that I'm tired of being alone (and alive) and that I can't do this anymore?

Not that anyone cares to listen