Non-PG13 (Strong Language): Screaming thread.

[MWF]

Just ONCE can I have some courage and luck, and PLEASE find a girlfriend? I have the looks and more humility than anyone in the world! /s on the second

[jamdoughnut]

I FUCKING HATE TECHNOLOGY
(While slowly driving myself deeper into the depths of my insanity, i punched my tablet and it cracked three ways down the middle. Fuck this shitty samsung garbage)
And i CANNOT STAND ANY OF THIS I HATE BEING STUCK
stuck at this highschool that i never wanted to go to in the first place
stuck in this house because they keep me prisoner
Stuck without enough to eat or sleep or even hot water to bathe
stuck without adequate clothing
stuck in this neighborhood where theres a fucking sex offender every squaremile because were too broke to move
stuck with this annoying ass hair
stuck without friends
stuck without someone to love
stuck without someone to talk to
stuck without a clue about the future or any school to go to
stuck without music (which keeps me sane)
stuck without adventure time (also keeps me sane)
Stuck without hope or passion for anything but the things i cant have
stuck with the fact that no ones going to listen (and that no one cares about any of this. If your actually reading this, kudos to you)
stuck with this life and i hate all of it

[nothereanymore]

iwanttodie

[Forging Galaxies]

Am I really thinking of killing a disgusting animal of a human being or will it not go my way, eventually the guilt of not doing anything will kill me.

This is a the last straw, I... got to do it or I must die.

[Forging Galaxies]

I have never thought about torturing and paining this vile piece of shit for so long, I wanna hurt it so bad

[Kate*]

The fact that this pain may never go away is a real possibility. I need to stop wanting to do that for so many reasons. He didn't have to answer the first time; that will have to be enough.

As of right now, that's not an option and I believe I was lied to. Even if it was, I'm not sure I would ever ask. I'm just that screwed.

This did damage, I think I'll always want to tell you the full extent of it. Or maybe I just want to tell you how wrong you were and prove that believing I was capable of anything was a waste of your time and energy. I'm sorry you had to deal with me, but you did an amazing job anyway. I may be an expert at beating the emotional crap out of myself, but at least I get my information from reliable sources. I got a dismissal, she got a PhD. That said plenty.

[Storyteller.]

I'm so disappointed that I don't even have the energy to do anything. I just want this all to be over, but I guess it never really ends.

[Everglow.]

Lol turns out I still hate myself. Wonderful. I give up. Changing.

[Calaer]

It's super duper cold outside, and we have to go to the market for food later on today. (I'm not looking forward to it.)

[Kate*]

The good news: Despite what they told me, I'm FAR from the first person to have this happen.
The bad news: The pain never really goes away.

There has to be a way to gatekeep ETHICALLY without inflicting trauma on the way down.

I NEED to know what I'm going to do next (and that I can succeed at) it's incredibly painful.

Not even going to bed until 5:30 AM, I've lost my Saturday already and to Facebook no less, UGH!

I want so badly to believe you're not like the rest of them, but sometimes I just don't know.

I believed you when you said you all cared, but when you decide someone doesn't belong anymore, (because they refuse to be treated like shit by people who claim to know better and/or become that way themselves), you turn your back faster than they can exhale. That kind of betrayal never heals.

Yesterday, I was done, today I feel like it's going to be okay, tomorrow, who knows? I HATE the fact that this is so turbulent.

[Calaer]

I swear there is a rat in my house, and I have no idea how to handle the situation, because I don't want to hurt it, but I don't want it in here.

[MWF]

The words out of the first girls I talked to in the college fraternity process:
"Is your mom a milf?"
"Which of us would you rather fuck?"
"What's your fetish?"
"What do you think our fetish is?"
"Do you like to use toys in bed?"

Is it possible to lose my virginity before having my first kiss? Talk about a self-esteem crusher.

[hocus pocus]

I still have some things I'd like to do and I don't have the energy. Plus the snow is making the house dark and while it is pretty the darkness is depressing.

[.:PrincessZelda:.]

I wish I was dead.....
I deserve to be dead.....

[Calaer]

My only complaint is that I'm starting to get stir crazy being stuck in the house for this long! It's driving me insane!

[MWF]

I got so high I couldn't do anything. No way I'm still getting into that frat.

[Calaer]

I wish I didn't always resort back to thinking about you on nights like this.

[Catlady]

I am so fucking tired of people getting all bitchy and pissed off about politics! I HAVE MY VIEWS YOU HAVE YOURS SO BACK THE HELL OFF!! You say oh no! I want freedom?! YET I CANT FUCKING SHARE MY THOUGHTS!! Ughhhhhhhhh!! Don't tell me I can't post something on MY facebook! Then turn the hell around and post your views! That's where I draw the line. Done with you!
Thats all.

[Calaer]

You are never willing to let go mistakes that someone has made years ago, so don't act surprised when people aren't willing to let you live down your mistakes.

[nothereanymore]

I'm so ungrateful.

[Kate*]

I appreciate the response, but you need to stop pushing that so hard. That's what I'm unsure about and I heard you the first time.

SOMETHING IS WRONG and I don't know what it is.

It's settled, I'm contacting you again soon, we'll see what response I get if any. Either way, please be gentle because you're missing the hell this put me through.

People who quit or who you throw out probably don't keep in touch. Not only do I want to maintain contact for my own reasons, but I'm NOT comfortable with the fact that you get to duck and dodge the reality of what losing this does to someone and their life. You just get to move on like nothing happened and stop caring about someone you know you hurt.

Stupid anxiety! Just because I've never done this doesn't mean it's going to be bad, these things are NEVER as painful as I work them up to be in my head (even if I have to go all the way there just to sign a release that I should've taken care of 4 months ago), I make way too big a deal out of things.

[nothereanymore]

Knowing I'm not warm enough with the two thin couch blankets I have, and knowing its 40 degrees outside, you STILL take one. Wow.

[.:PrincessZelda:.]

I'm just a worthless person.....

[nothereanymore]

Okay. I'll shut up about the stupid show. And for good measure I'll shut up about the books since it's become obvious you could care less about them. I'll stay quiet. I know I'm being annoying anyway. I don't have passion in many things and this is truly it. I get that I talk too much but sure, I'll shut up. I understand how you feel anyway; the sound of my own heartbeat annoys the shit out F me because it just won't fucking stop. But I'll stop it. I will. Don't let yourself think this is what drove me to it, I'm not that petty. No, it's everything in the last ten years. It's that I'm becoming a really awful, selfish, ungrateful person and there's not much hope for me, so why not? Why not? Rest. Sleep. Peace. Death. Why not?

[Calaer]

I wish I could get this guilty feeling to go away. What I did was justified. I had a right to leave you behind when all you were doing was dragging me down. I've done fine without you, so leave me be and let me get on with my life! I don't need you in my thoughts 24/7!!

[MyVisionIsDying]

After several years of whacking my bedroom wall with a baseball bat or shouting to get you to shut the fuck up I finally had you doing it when I was singing "too loud". But guess what, I'm not gonna fucking care becuase you're a bastard. I'm gonna belt my lungs out tomorrow because what else am I to do when I'm home alone? So fuck you and fuck your shitty music and guitar playing- which you can't even play, you dumb twat.

[Calaer]

I hate that all my ideas are thrown out the window.

[Kate*]

I've decided to just wait until I start at the new place to take care of that and hopefully they can take care of it instead of me having to go back to him just to sign a form.

Now just to start working out exactly what and how much I'm going to tell him. I know I'm seriously overthinking this, but these always torture me later, stupid anxiety.

Okay, so my record for feeling good or okay is 36 hours and I'm slipping again. Hopefully I don't bottom out this time.

Am I seriously considering a PhD. right now?! (again) and I know I have no chance and I know this disorder could cause the same problem, I know there's probably no jobs and I know I'm a rare and unusual kind of insane for this. And yet, here we are. I think if I don't at least ask, I'll regret it.

[Forging Galaxies]

Why? Why? What's the fucking point?!!!
I try to live and pretend shit is okay but it's not, everywhere I go... there is pain and suffering.
Nothing good happens...

I'm hitting my limits and I'll likely be in some mental hospital soon after some shitty attempt at dying.

[Calaer]

I wish I wasn't always getting pulled in to some sort of argument between my brother and his ex. I mean, my brother respects my feelings, but she doesn't. She is always trying to pit me against him. It's really upsetting.

[MWF]

WHY DO I HAVE TO BE SUCH A JACKASS

[jamdoughnut]

Back to the screaming thread. Wish I didn't have to post here so often. :/
I hate being excluded. I hate being alone. And then they come and they say, "that girls always alone" or "why is she so quiet" or "why doesn't she have any friends?" Seriously what the hell? Why me? Why can't I have a friend for once? It's it me, something I did something about me? What can I do?

[Calaer]

I hate that Jordan never has a day off. I really want to spend some time with him, and I haven't been able to since the day before our anniversary.

[Celyn]

Felt angry, irritable and just downright moody all day. Now just feel like breaking down in tears. I don't even know why.

[Kate*]

I would really love to not get sick tonight like last time.

Unless I aspire to life on disability or suicide I'm going to be disappointed. No one will ever understand how much I hate that and no one can tell me otherwise. I need someone to tell me fighting for my entire life will be worth it because everything will work out, but I don't think they can.

Just when I think I'm over it, I realize I'm not.

How was I supposed to know that?! and if you accredit a program, you should list it, there shouldn't be a separate process, that's just stupid.

I'm at the point where I'm recovered enough to function and I'm now bored. Things need to change soon or I'm going to crash again. And we're there I can't do this, I just can't.

My disability is NOT an excuse or a choice and if I'm blaming them for my life collapsing it's only because they traumatized me and contributed to it. The fact that it had to happen was nobody's fault, but I will NOT accept being blamed for it and it did not have to be done the way it was. I have to recover at my own pace. One of the major reasons I haven't gone to a(nother) professional yet is because I don't want to be:
Told this isn't real
Told it's something else
Told I have to settle for a life I hate and there's nothing I can do about it
Pushed to process this and move on faster than I'm able to

Only people who have been through this (and supposedly that's nobody) will understand how devastating it really is. Devastating, soul-crushing, terrifying, and paralyzing don't even almost do it justice.

I was going to be licensed too bitch! I know how you were trained. Your theory of choice is one thing, but you don't go throwing that license around to force people to agree with you. You're acting REALLY professional right now. I feel sorry for your clients.

Realizing I wasn't wrong. I may as well start applying for disability now and throw the few dreams I still have out the window. The sooner I accept that I will never have a life, the easier it will be.

[MWF]

Every time I think about the way I got kicked out of my fraternity, I can't help but hate myself a little more.

[Gwynbleidd]

Wasted 3 hours going to a dumbass meeting that wasn't worth a shit that was stupid as fuck and now I got a shitton of work to do. After get my balls busted multiple times (emotionally) I get this kick aswell. Desensitized = Check

[MWF]

I wish I had a time machine. Godfuckingdammit, I'm stupid.

[Calaer]

"God has perfect timing; never early, never late. It takes a little patience and a whole lot of faith, but it's worth the wait." (No idea where this came from, it was just passed on to me, and I figured I would share.)

[Forging Galaxies]

I feel like everything pounding at me all at once... every single second.
This urge is killing me, I want to... leave everything. Nothing feels good and real anymore...
I always fail the people I care about.

No... not like this. Not like this...