Non-PG13 (Strong Language): Screaming thread.

[Kate*]

It figures I actually make plans for tomorrow then I eat too much and now I'm miserable. Please go away and don't let me throw up!

Still recovering and now the depression is beating the crap out of me for NO reason whatsoever. So much for the day I was supposed to have, it's ruined. I GIVE UP

I guess we're not going after all, and when I complain that I still don't have shoes that I've desperately needed for 2 years and I only have one pair of jeans still good enough to wear in public and that I can't wear shorts when it's 90 and humid because the only pair I have are too small now, you're going to blame ME saying that you offered to buy me whatever I wanted for my birthday and we never went. If we go now you'll complain it's rush hour and then everything will be closed.

Dear depression, you ruined that FUCK OFF!!!

[Lilyofthewest]

And it turns out following on from my last scream and only after me literally pouring my heart out to them, my friends don't give a shit about me. Blown off, just like that. Dispossessed in one fucking sentence. Not that I even blame them to be honest.

I'm never going to call anyone my friend ever again unless I'm 100% sure they consider me a friend too. I have no fucking interest in having unrequited feelings, in spending my whole life chasing after people who would barely even notice if I fell off the face of the fucking earth.

Great fucking week so far.

[hocus pocus]

My head really hurts.

[Forging Galaxies]

I just know.
I just know sooner or later, I'll likely end up in some damn mental ward.
I'm just pathetic.
No job...
No college...
No life...
Hell I can't even bother myself to fill some motivation to go to the gym. How am I suppose to protect the one I love and those I care of if I lack the physical body for it?
Because my own fucking mind needs treating, but it can't be treated. Oh no. It can't!
I'm a pathetic being.
Guilt...
sorrow...
pain...

I'm the one who suppose to the best for those I care for, and all I have is a decaying sanity. The reaches of hell's fucking fires are rising around me...

I got to fight my own demons before they corrupt me, I got to win...

[mindflower]

i'm probably the worst human being ever. there is no point in me being here and i need to scream.

[Lilyofthewest]

I cut but it didn't bleed. Am I dead? Is this what being dead feels like? I don't know, I've no fucking sense of reality anymore. Nothing feels real. I'm probably not dead. Wish I was but not yet. Soon, hopefully. I need to die soon.

[Kate*]

Even if I wanted that degree as badly as I wanted the other one, I'm NOT going to get back in and if I did, I wouldn't survive it. My very real fear of failure is going to keep me from SO MUCH. I used to persevere in spite of it, but everything that happened only taught me it's not worth doing that again and also that I will never have anything that I want. What's the point in fighting for a life I don't really want if I could just end it in less than 2 seconds.

WHO GIVES A FLYING FUCK ABOUT TOM FUCKIN BRADY!!!!!!!!!

I WANT MY GREYS NO MATTER HOW BADLY SHONDA HAS FUCKED IT UP!!!!!!!!

You blocked me?! You BLOCKED me?! WHAT THE FLYING FUCK?! You still have me in your cover photo on FB, but you blocked me. I mean, what did I even DO? I don't bug you at all. I only went to your page to see those new photos. I don't "stalk" you. I don't harass you. I don't wistfully sigh over your page every day wishing we were still together. So what did I do to you?

How did it come to this? We loved the fuck out of each other once upon a time. It wasn't even an ugly break-up. I mean yeah those two fights sucked but when it actually came time to break up it was very amicable.

You were my forever. I really, truly believed we'd be together for the rest of our lives. I asked you to marry me and you said yes. I STILL don't think I'll ever love anyone again as much as I loved you. I mean, is this what you want? To erase me? A mistaken page in your scrapbook? A design you didn't like so you crumple it up and throw it away? You can't just undo four years. You can't possibly forget all that. But I guess you are going to try. Well, knock yourself out. I'll just have to remember for both of us.

I never hated you, even after all the things you said that last fight. But this is the first moment in five years that I've really, truly considered you an asshole.

[RadioSerenade]

I seriously don't understand how you can be given a fail mark for going too slow. I mean there's not one other person on the fucking road, how is the reluctance of giving it a bit of boot, especially when you've got an elderly testing officer in the passengers seat, a fail item? Driving too slow, I mean seriously?

[Calaer]

Fucking hate people who have no respect for other's boundaries. If you are going to be a total dick, then I don't want you in my life.

[Forging Galaxies]

This cannot be, my fucking PC is basically dead because of my stupid mother. Oh hey, lets turn off the damn PC by the power switch, and not the "power" button on the computer because you thought it was gonna blow up. Well im sorry but that what happens when you go in my room and basically move the mouse by accident, it goes "cha-chunk" because you woke it up from its sleep. It doesn't mean it gonna go on fire and blow the whole damn house up.

And... it's dead. Normally I wouldn't be pissed, the PC is on its last legs but I have fucking important things stored in that crap. My HUNDREDS PAGES of writing, my software... ugh... pics... and im screwed with no fucking way to get it all back. I had a stressful day, I don't need this shit!
Especially since I wanna unwind to music and maybe games...
Guess I'll use this shitty, slow ass laptop and also take apart the PC so I can sell the functioning parts. UGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

[MyVisionIsDying]

The country is fucked. The Conservatives won and they can rule the country their way because they're not in a coalition anymore. I feel fucking sick that they want to do a lot of things that will fuck up the UK. It doesn't matter that they're not UKIP, the Conservatives ruling the country is not really a good thing, especially after the previously five years.
They're going to screw over a lot of people with what they plan to do. Because they favour themselves and the richer citizens. They don't give a rat's arse about the rest of us. They want to raise tuition fees, privatize the NHS. They're going to fuck over poor people, disabled people, LGBT+ people, students and basically anyone who aren't them.
Yes I know that we'll all get on with our lives but I honestly feel scared about what's going to happen over the next five years. And half the country think it's a good thing that the Conservatives won. Do people in the UK know what the word conservative even means?

I feel so fucking scared for the country, I want to fucking cry.
This is so screwed up.

And my stepdad makes my mood so much worse by always controlling the TV, and his snide comments about everything makes me want to scream.

[Kate*]

I am the ONLY person in this family being FORCED to spend Mother's Day with an 88 year old toddler. The next time everyone ducks out on dealing with her like this, I'm PAYING one of you to TAKE ME WITH YOU!!!!

You are the only one still trying, GIVE UP and I shouldn't have to move out to avoid visiting a family member we ALL KNOW is TOXIC. I'm not going to say what I'm thinking right now, but I'm still going to think it as selfish and heartless as it may be, I know I'm not the only one!

I don't know the meaning of quit or give up, which is the only reason I'm still here, but I've held on for 27 years and have yet to succeed at anything. I'm not quitting or giving up, I'm simply accepting fate. I'm done fighting just to fail and doing what I'm told only to get blamed for my brokenness.

[Theaweseomrguy]

If you two stop I will be happy if you don't I'll leave until you guys cool off. Stop irratating eachother it's not worth it stressing eachother out over stupid things just stop please I'm begging

[Amandaapandaa]

FUCKING DONE WITH PEOPLE FUCKING USING ME AND NOT EVEN CARING ABOUT ME.

Reminder to self: Never let your guard down ever fucking again!

[Kate*]

Everyone else gets to have their dream job, I get to watch them all have those while I never amount to anything. It's already happened and it's just going to continue. At some point I'm going to decide enough.

Everyone thinks this is a good alternative for me, 2 problems: I have ZERO leadership ability, my people skills are so bad I became the one in a million person dismissed for them, and that's the same reason that I can't teach either. Even if I get this degree you want, I'm pretty sure I will hate the options it gives me.

I don't want to hurt him but I'm scared that's what will happen. I should just leave now.

[Forging Galaxies]

My life is meaningless.
I am nothing.

[Phantom_Girl]

Why do you have to make yourself the center of attention for everything? You may think it's funny or "cute" but it's annoying and downright disrespectful.

[Chai.]

Well thank you, fake friend! why not just say it that you don't need me anymore now that you have more "cool" friends. I would just walk away. I really don't care, anymore. I am quite capable of being happy all by myself. Just, don't go out of your way to make things difficult for me.

I am so fucking done with both, my real and online life.

[hocus pocus]

My face hurts from crying.

[Calaer]

My only complaint is that we ran out of bubbles for our bubble machine.

[Forging Galaxies]

Sad, depressed and suicidal...

[Kate*]

Maybe it's good that I won't be one anymore since I can say this (or rather wish to say this) without getting in trouble. I know it's hard, I struggled for 15 YEARS before I got up the courage, and even then it was after he convinced me, took 10 weeks to make the phone call, and I still lied to the guy. However, You CHOOSE to get better, you either try or you don't. If you don't want to or you're not ready, FINE, then DON'T but don't expect people to be okay with it. You're busted, you can either keep fighting the help you're lucky enough to have access to and choose to stay sick or you can do the hard work it's going to take to get yourself out of this.

There are legitimate excuses and times where excuses are used to avoid doing something you just don't want to do. Your disease will give you EVERY excuse in the book to avoid getting rid of it. You can choose to fight the disease or the help.

Everybody keeps telling me that there must be something better for me out there. You'd better have a REALLY good plan because I'm clueless (which you know I hate) and I have NO idea what's coming (which you also know I hate)

Yes brain, I thoroughly enjoy the 1/2 day long swings between hope and suicide PLEASE STOP DOING THIS TO ME!!! It's clear that you are broken and that I will lose everything I want because of that.

You offered to help me, but I've reached out to someone who agreed to that and then screwed me so I can't trust you (or anyone for that matter, EVER AGAIN) I probably won't contact you, I just can't risk it. This means that I will likely give up and go through with that, but I held on for as long as I could and only went through with it when I realized it was my only and final option to resolve something that would never go away otherwise. That's NOT a choice.

Part of the reason I keep holding on is because you respected me so much, which makes no sense because even if you did, I gave you no reason to and I'm sure you've forgotten by now that I ever existed. I really can't FUCKING do this any more and someone besides me has to take at least SOME of the responsibility for that. Even if I don't disagree with what you felt like you had to do IT FUCKING SCREWED ME, you all know it, and the fact that you feel bad doesn't fix that. I QUIT!!!!

[Chai.]

You are not helping so why don't you just shut the fuck up!

[Avox.]

Give me something to help me sleep or to help me get rid of the flashbacks and nightmares. I swear to god I'll find a way to end my life.

[Konohana Sakuya]

This boredom is suffocating me, and the fact that I'm on writing block is making this more unbearable.

[Kate*]

So, without a degree/license in social work, counseling, or nursing, I'm SCREWED! I already knew that though. All the more reason to stop trying I guess. I hope you know how badly you screwed me, but my guess is you never will. I don't blame you, but that doesn't mean that the fall out and consequences suddenly don't happen. Feeling bad and having no choice doesn't change anything, it just means I can't blame you. I'm giving up, you caused that. "Luck in my future endeavors" probably didn't include this, but I'm out of choices. You lied, this DID ruin my life and I DON'T have options. I knew that, you didn't. Or maybe you just lied when you said you cared. Either way I QUIT!!!

I'm the only one who still wants to believe the impossible is possible, but it's not. My soul is crushed, my life is over, you did this, and I've had enough. I just can't hold on anymore.

[Forging Galaxies]

REMOVED...

[Chai.]

I have made it clear I cannot be more than friends. Why don't you fucking understand? If you think I don't know, I know very well that you challenged K that you will make me fall in love with you. It's not fucking happening. I don't like you even a tiny bit. Seriously, you need to stop doing this.

Hey, you. Yeah, all you bitches. Fuck you.

I have never been so disappointed in all my years of therapy/med management as I am right now. You literally DISGUST me as professionals, all of you. Do you not take me seriously or something? Man, what the fuck was up with THAT? I just told you I can't eat a normal meal without wanting to cry and you're like, "Yes, you really do need to lose weight; I was getting concerned about you at your former weight." Concerned. CONCERNED?!?! FUCK YOU. I WAS CONCERNED WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD I DO IT? NOW I'M CONCERNED I FUCKING CAN'T STOP AND THAT'S ALL YOU HAVE TO OFFER?!?!

So I'm going to pull a Lumberg on you: "Yeeeeeah, if you could all just shut the hell up and go fuck yourselves that'd be greeeeeat."

[MyVisionIsDying]

Right now, even just thinking about last night more, I couldn't give a wholehearted shit if you said it jokingly it's the fact that you said it in my presence knowing what I told you months ago and how you're fine with it and calling me "bro" more often. It fucking hurt to hear you say that and the more I think about it the more I feel sick about myself, the more I actually don't like the way I am. The fact I've never felt that way about it scares me, it's fucking concerning that it was worse than I had thought and it's all thanks to you regardless of us considering each other siblings because of how long and how well we've known each other. I even lightheartedly explained to you that it's not how it is with others because everyone has their different preferences and you shrug it off like it's nothing.
How does that make me fucking feel?!
Do you think I'm fine because I didn't show my reaction to what you said? I tried so hard not to lose it, I tried so goddamned hard not to break down because I started feeling dysphoric!
You'll never understand because you have it easier than me! You're my best friend, you're like a sister to me and I'm too fucking cowardly to tell you how I felt about what you said last night. Maybe it's because I'm worried that you'll brush that off too.
It still hurts that you- of all people- said that, in a joking manner or not, it felt like a kick in the stomach.
It fucking hurts.
I don't want to feel like this.

[Forging Galaxies]

You know, I am pathetic.
I'm just a fool.

I just don't know what to do. Everything telling me to go away...

[Konohana Sakuya]

I don't think I'll understand social stream's mathematics ever. Trigonometry, limit, function, inequality... Argh. I'm going to fail the college admission test for sure. I feel sorry for my parents. They have to put up with me who's a major parasite that can't do anything right.

[Kate*]

When you realize the degree that was pitched as your only option is worthless because everyone wants the one you almost had is NOT helping me move on.

I don't know if this will ever go away
I'm sick of grieving this
I'm sick of wanting something I will never have
I'm sick of trying to figure this out
I'm sick of being sick over this
And I'm sick of beating my head against the wall

I want it to go away

I think I still want what I wish it had been and not what it was, what it would've been if I had been born "normal". What I really wanted was/is for my way to be right. Different doesn't automatically mean wrong and he believed there was a way to work with me, why didn't you?! And since you could never tell me how I was dangerous, I don't think I was. I'll admit that it eventually became a train wreck, but that doesn't mean that different is wrong and not fixable and it doesn't mean I deserved what was said to my face by professionals who had so much TRAINING to know better that they bragged about it!

I NEED TO STOP WANTING WHAT I KNOW I WILL NEVER HAVE!!!!

[Konohana Sakuya]

I should stop eating. I shouldn't put my hard work to waste by gaining weight.

[Most Likely]

I've got no words for this anymore. I'm so... not even frustrated, but I'm just starting to be disappointed. Have you given up?

[Calaer]

I just want it to freaking storm.

[Konohana Sakuya]

I should just kill myself already. I never belong anywhere, so it doesn't matter. Besides, I've stopped feeling.