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Why Me? Here is a safe space to let it all out, where you can rant about all the bad things life throws your way. Sometimes it just helps to ask "why me?"

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Re: Screaming thread. - August 11th 2020, 09:43 PM

My dream job is anything that doesn't go against my morals and pay at least about $40k (so I can pay student loans too)... Such high goals apparently. I regret college so much.


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Re: Screaming thread. - August 11th 2020, 11:44 PM

I'm not going to sleep tonight. I feel like theres no air. It's too hot.


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Re: Screaming thread. - August 12th 2020, 12:04 PM

It's in the handbook! How can you tell me you're not supposed to give me feedback when it's right there in the handbook that it's actually your JOB to give me feedback? You've ignored my emails for nearly a month which means I'm behind everyone else. There's less than a month until the deadline and so far you've given me no guidance.


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Re: Screaming thread. - August 12th 2020, 01:49 PM

I am too sick to function. At all. My body won't. Sitting is exhausting.

I don't want to hold on anymore. Why should I?
I can't do it. I don't want to do it. I'm sick. I'm tired. I'm not good enough. I'm replaceable.
It will never get better. There's not a single reason to believe it can.
The longer I live, the worse it gets.


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Re: Screaming thread. - August 13th 2020, 12:54 PM

Why do people ignore me? Is it me? Is there something wrong with me..?


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Re: Screaming thread. - August 15th 2020, 07:51 AM

I just can't stand being indecisive anymore.


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Re: Screaming thread. - August 15th 2020, 07:14 PM

I can't do the simplest tasks. What is wrong with me?
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Re: Screaming thread. - August 16th 2020, 08:42 AM

I don't want to do this anymore.


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Re: Screaming thread. - August 16th 2020, 04:00 PM

I just want everything to end.

I should've just gone back to work to die.

I have the wrong personality for job hunting. I am not the best candidate. Just another applicant. But not energetic and confident and positive and extraverted enough. To get a job, I can't be me. I am not the right fit for anything because I'm sick and tired, am still learning to be tolerant of myself, neutral at best, and ambiverted. I am the wrong person. So why bother trying? No one wanted me before. That's why I got a shit job with low pay that forced tons of overtime and made me act against my morals (frequently). I'm more traumatize, more desperate, less okay starting off. I'll never get a job.

Fuck it, I should just go fucking die.


"Just open your eyes and see that life is beautiful..." ~Sixx:A.M.

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Re: Screaming thread. - August 17th 2020, 03:20 AM

I really hope I'm not so unmotivated and indecisive this week.


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Re: Screaming thread. - August 17th 2020, 04:37 AM

All I have to do is survive and hopefully it won't go on that long and I'll have enough for a vacation soon. The extra income will be nice after they cut my hours, but this schedule is BRUTAL and who knows how long they're going to make me do it.


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Re: Screaming thread. - August 17th 2020, 04:32 PM

Phone anxiety makes me sound like such a fucking idiot during phone interviews AND ruins my chances of getting a job offer. I want to give up.

This is proof it will never get better.

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"Just open your eyes and see that life is beautiful..." ~Sixx:A.M.

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Re: Screaming thread. - August 17th 2020, 09:21 PM

I feel really out of it today, I hope nobody noticed

That's how out of it i am. Just sent £900 to a bank account I havent been able to access in about 5 years. Wonderful. Now I have to waste my day going to the bank tomorrow instead of working on my dissertation edits. I'm such a fucking idiot.


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Re: Screaming thread. - August 18th 2020, 01:46 AM

My dysphoria is so bad today. I want to hurt myself.
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Re: Screaming thread. - August 18th 2020, 05:01 AM

I'm sick of letting people down.


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Re: Screaming thread. - August 18th 2020, 11:15 AM

Was literally heading out the door to go to the bank and get my money back and now I'm worried that I've been exposed to the virus. I want to say I'm sure it's not that but what if I'm wrong? What if I get it and die?


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Re: Screaming thread. - August 19th 2020, 05:41 AM

Just because I can't come over tonight, in the MIDDLE of the night, I might add, means you "changed your mind?" Moments after I asked if you were free in the near future? You went ahead and did it anyway? Idk. Sometimes you just hurt my feelings with shit like that. I don't think you realize it and I don't tell you because I don't want to be a bother.

God, Eli, when are you going to start standing up for yourself?
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Re: Screaming thread. - August 19th 2020, 10:57 AM

Well it turns out I did fail the phone interview. No surprise. I'll continue my multi-day breakdown over this same interview. I know I'll never do better. I can't sell myself as the best. Because I'm just good and a hard worker. Nothing special. With anxiety that makes me sound like a fucking idiot. I'm the wrong personality to get hired anywhere. No point in trying. How the fuck do people without 2 bachelor degrees, 10 years of part time work experience, and 1 year of full time work experience get hired? Why am I so bad? I'll just go die then. Hopefully that just spontaneously happens so I don't have to spend money to ensure it happens. Not impossible where I live.


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Re: Screaming thread. - August 19th 2020, 12:39 PM

Today looks like a good day to end it for good.


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Re: Screaming thread. - August 21st 2020, 04:40 AM

These cramps make me want to rip my uterus from my body. I don't remember it hurting this much last time.
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Re: Screaming thread. - August 21st 2020, 10:20 AM

My teeth hurt


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Re: Screaming thread. - August 21st 2020, 10:51 AM

It's 2 weeks to the deadline and you still haven't replied with feedback. This whole course is a mess. You don't do your job properly. What am I paying 10 grand for again?


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Re: Screaming thread. - August 21st 2020, 03:25 PM

I can't fucking take this anymore.


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Re: Screaming thread. - August 22nd 2020, 11:45 AM

So glad that I will likely get zero pain treatment from an urgent surgery that I can't afford. Just great. So I will want to die even more.

I can't eat. I can't get an appointment. Will I just die here? I already can't care for myself and am getting so much worse. Emotional pain level 10. Fatigue level 8-10. Physical pain level 3-8, increasing by the day. No money. No job. No family support. No pain meds. No fatigue meds. No therapy. Nothing.

I wish I was dead.


"Just open your eyes and see that life is beautiful..." ~Sixx:A.M.

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Re: Screaming thread. - August 22nd 2020, 09:01 PM

I ate an edible last night and today I am still super dizzy. It's really annoying. I am worried because I don't know if/when it will stop.
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Re: Screaming thread. - August 22nd 2020, 09:18 PM

This hurts so bad. I can't eat. It hurts too much. I can't care for myself and don't have an able person to care for me. Can't even get appointment til next week. Pain constantly getting worse.


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Re: Screaming thread. - August 23rd 2020, 10:14 AM

I can't get fired. That'd be discrimination and my state has some of the best discrimination laws and my supervisor likes me.

I'll be okay. I'm freaking out over nothing.


Jesus christ I'm taking a week off and I'm gonna be panicked.


I'm also having to get my stitches removed Wednesday and my doctor retired. Don't know which doctor will remove them and I'm nervous. Asked my dad if he'd go just in case they are rude. Never really had a bad experience with this office but it's a new doctor.

Fucking panic attack
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Re: Screaming thread. - August 23rd 2020, 01:27 PM

Pain getting worse. Eating hurts too much. I'm apparently supposed to just fucking suffer with no treatment. And search for a job full time during this. It's more important than ever to get a job asap to pay for this. I just can't function, and no one is taking care of me.

My teeth feel like they are burning. Just gotta suffer.


"Just open your eyes and see that life is beautiful..." ~Sixx:A.M.

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Re: Screaming thread. - August 24th 2020, 05:00 AM

I need to stop letting people down.


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Re: Screaming thread. - August 24th 2020, 11:33 AM

Please just end this pain

More and more and more symptoms with no treatment and life crises. Just fucking kill me already! I can't fucking push through all this bullshit anymore. If I had lower fatigue, I'd end it myself.

I'm too disabled to stay alive.


"Just open your eyes and see that life is beautiful..." ~Sixx:A.M.

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Re: Screaming thread. - August 24th 2020, 03:54 PM

JUST FUCKING KILL ME!!!!!!!!!


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Re: Screaming thread. - August 24th 2020, 06:22 PM

I have a headache and feel sick, so had to cut work on my dissertation short....all because of air freshner


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Re: Screaming thread. - August 24th 2020, 07:47 PM

It's been nearly 2 weeks since I've had a reply. I have two weeks until my deadline which means if/when I do eventually get a reply I will have next to no time to make edits before submitting. I'm so over this.


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Re: Screaming thread. - August 25th 2020, 11:00 AM

So much pain.. fatigue level 9, physical pain level 7-8, emotional pain level 10, other symptoms level 5. Sometimes I really hate having a body. There is no relief.

Just gotta keep pushing through. Why? Because I'm unfortunately still alive.


"Just open your eyes and see that life is beautiful..." ~Sixx:A.M.

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Re: Screaming thread. - August 25th 2020, 07:18 PM

sorry for being so selfish and not stopping to think about anyone who isnt me


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Re: Screaming thread. - August 26th 2020, 08:13 PM

WHY IS EVERY SINGLE FUCKING DAY SO MUCH FUCKING WORSE THAN THE PREVIOUS DAY????? I can't fucking take any more of this. The more of this shit that goes so fucking wrong, the less reason there is to believe there is a fraction of a chance that my life will ever improve. Killing myself would be an act of mercy at this point.

Oh and they're going to require me to take opiates for this pain that I WILL NEED treatment for. I'm sure this is going to end well... Fuck there can't possibly be a worse time for me to not have money or support and have to take my drug of choice for an emergency surgery with new PTSD and no treatment for that.

Mpre and more shit keeps going so horribly wrong. How can one person's life be so fucking bad? Suicide really might be the only way out. There is no other end in sight. I know a few people care, but I can't take any more suffering. And there's still more. There's always more. What crisis/crises will happen tomorrow? Stay tuned for now. I'm losing my mind. I can't go on, and I haven't wanted to for years. Why do I have to keep suffering this much? I am staying alive solely for people I care about. Same for the past few years. But now it's too much. Putting myself first would mean killing myself to end this suffering.


"Just open your eyes and see that life is beautiful..." ~Sixx:A.M.

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Re: Screaming thread. - August 27th 2020, 04:40 AM

I hate this fucking pandemic. I want to be around people, period, but I especially want to be around people without worrying about possibly dying just because I go out for a cup of coffee. Dad says he's coming around the holidays and I don't know if I will feel comfortable around him because he's been on an airplane. I just feel so anxious about all this.
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Re: Screaming thread. - August 27th 2020, 03:46 PM

I'm terrified.


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Re: Screaming thread. - August 28th 2020, 08:33 PM

Why won't my body fucking do what I want it to?
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Re: Screaming thread. - August 28th 2020, 09:38 PM

Every weekend of work is harder and harder. I hate this job. I need something better but I'm never going to find anything.


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