Non-PG13 (Strong Language): Screaming thread.

[Tigereyes]

If I'm denied this too, I'm 99% sure I'm going to kill myself.

I am really frustrated with myself

[Tigereyes]

Yep it's over. Fuck my life.

Why do you have to spend so much time with her? I am moving out in a month just so she can move in. You'll be with her all the fucking time. I'm just pathetically trying to soak up what joy I can before we don't see each other as often anymore. Can you blame me for that?

[Tigereyes]

Less than 10 hours until my decision is irreverible...

[Tigereyes]

It's done. No going back.

[Kate*]

Why can't I figure out how to do this?!

[Tigereyes]

That was too much.

[Tigereyes]

Suicide is my only option. I'm making plans. It's too late.

[Kate*]

It's stupid to be jealous of the fact that you respond and talk more to others than me. Of course you would have more in common and be closer to some and not others. And you say all the time that you're the worst texter, so I know not to expect you to answer. But, occasional acknowledgement would be nice, so at least I know you see what I'm saying to you.

[Tigereyes]

My fucking $4000/month meds got lost too. Cool.

[Tigereyes]

It won't get better. I can't go on. I don't want to go on. I just have to make sure I don't fail.

It may be a permenant solution, but these are actually permenant problems.

[Tigereyes]

ANNND just drove my partner to the ER.

They were denied both treatment for the severe pain and further testing. So we wasted time, money, and risked exposure to COVID for nothing.

The correct answer to that question was “yes.”

[Tigereyes]

My body quit on me again.

[Kate*]

I've eaten nothing but crap today.

You are literally the only one in there who cares about that, STOP talking about it! See, you even annoyed him, and it's really hard to piss him off.

[Tigereyes]

Body already crashing for day. I've been awake less than 3 hours today. So much to do. Tomorrow won't be better.

[Tigereyes]

I cant take it anymore. Too sick adn tired literrally. Cant afford to pay anyone to help.

Too exhausted to care for myself. Too bad there's no one to help.

If only rest would help.

I'm too disabled to fight this alone. Just end it. Pleazw.

Falling on my face from not havign energy to get up and now being stuck oj the ground is normal, rivht? The heaviness in my limbs must be depression.

[Everglow.]

I forgot your birthday. I didn't look at the calendar to remember. I'm so sorry. I hope you know I haven't forgotten you, and you've been on my mind so much. I miss you.

[Dawn.]

I hope I'm not busy like this all the time.

[Tigereyes]

Life is suffering. Nothing more.

Why is there so much bullshit about suicide being a permanent solution to temporary problems? Because some damn problems ARE fucking permanent! My chronic illness is permanent! My debt might as well be permanent! Yeah, there are tenporary MAJOR problems too, like being fucking high risk during a fucking pandemic and having to quit my job in the middle of said pandemic to not die. But the trauma from the job and all my other traumas? Also fucking permanent!

[Tigereyes]

Why does everything have to keep getting worse?? I can't take it anymore. I can't fucking take it. I can't do it anymore. It's not worth staying alive for this. I can't. The pain is just too much and it'll never get better. No hope. Only pain and suffering and fear. It's time to go. One reason to hold on isn't enough when there's thousands of things so horribly wrong. Next time I get the chance, I might actually take it. I just have to make sure I don't fail. I don't want to survive an attempt.

[Tigereyes]

Why shoudn't I end it?

I can't anymore. This may be goodbye. I'm sorry I'm not strong enough.

[Everglow.]

I feel like I cant breathe again.

Also, work sent me a package with 10 face masks and a bottle of hand gel in it. Like that makes up for the fact I'm surrounded by people all day and not allowed to ask anyone to queue outside, and I'm not allowed to shut the door so that I can limit how many people are in store. Like cool it's really nice you've sent me these items, thanks, but what about the rest? That wont protect me from the 8 people I have surrounding the desk when I'm the only one in and we're not temperature checking or symptom checking every single person who enters. How the hell is that going to help me? I'm so angry with this company right now.

I hope I can get it all done in time.

[Tigereyes]

I can't survive this. I will kill myself if this fails.

Yeah no, this already is too much. I might not wait to see how it turns out. I don't want to know.

[Tigereyes]

Unbearable pain

[Tigereyes]

I don't want to die. I want the pain to stop. But it never will. So goodbye is the only way. I'm replaceable anyway.

I think I've lost the will to live this time. I'm calmly miserable and hopeless. Ready to go. People only care if I stay alive or not, not about my quality of life. I don't even want drugs because even they wouldn't kill this pain that's so heavy and deeply rooted inside. I just want it to end. I don't care how. Just that it does, and soon.

[Kate*]

It may not have been your job to encourage me, but that doesn't mean it was your job to break me. Being treated like I deserve for the first time in my life has shown me just how fucked up every other interaction was.

[Tigereyes]

I hope tomorrow never comes.

[Dawn.]

I just want some answers.

[Everglow.]

Do these people have an upper grade limit of 60% or something? How can you give me 60% and then offer me 72 words of feedback suggesting that the only improvement you could think of was to include sections in it? Are you trying to tell me I could have had an extra 40% added to my grade if only I'd included sub-headings? This whole stupid degree has been a waste of a year of my life and £10,000. I'm absolutely fuming especially considering I was actually PROUD of this essay for a change. How can you say this is constructive feedback? How the hell am I meant to know what to do better?

[Tigereyes]

Unfortunately, today is the "tomorrow" I have dreaded. This will not end well. Time to finalize my plan to escape forever.

I'm not going to make it.

I'm sorry..

It's not possible for this to be real. I must convince myself that this is just a nightmare and I'll wake up soon.

Time's up...

[Tigereyes]

Can I please just hurry up and die already

Well damn I fucked up even worse

No one can handle my problems. Then how the fuck am I supposed to, especially without support????

Was told to go have breakdowns somewhere else. Don't talk about it or show that I am suffering. Yeah, not likely I'll survive much longer.

I know I shouldn't ignore this any longer but I don't want to bring it up to anyone. I don't want them to say I am "overreacting." Lots of times when I go to a doctor or the ER and there's nothing wrong with my vitals or whatnot they kind of imply that it's "in my head." I don't want that to happen again.

[Tigereyes]

Guess what, today's no better. What a shock. It's almost like regardless of what I do or don't do, my life keeps falling apart.

I feel like my heart is broken and so sick to my stomach. For a week and a half.

Life is pain, suffering, and fear--nothing more, nothing less.

I don't understand why I do some of the things I do.

[Kate*]

Why is it not posted yet?! You told me weeks ago that it would be available within days... Do you not realize it isn't actually there?

[Tigereyes]

I'm not sure what I'm waiting for.

It's so hopeless. Why don't I just go? Why wait to see if it gets better when it never does and never will?

[Kate*]

If people straight up tell you they aren't taking your suggestions, maybe you're doing something wrong or are the wrong person for them. I suspect based on that, that you're probably pushing too hard. Maybe try to learn from me instead of becoming defensive?