Non-PG13 (Strong Language): Screaming thread.

Anxiety has come back with a vengeance.

Wish I were dead

[Tigereyes]

Well this is it. I'm back in my abusive house. For who knows how long because I don't have a job. My first student loan payment will be due in two months. Lost my best friend/partner, and they didn't even tell me. I lost my entire support system, minus one person who lives hundreds of miles away. Replacement cat is joining us soon. I might relapse hard. I don't know. I don't know if I even care anymore.

I am so anxious. I wish this would stop

Some days I wish I weren't functional. Things were so much more predictable back when I wasn't

I'm never gonna be okay.

[Tigereyes]

If I can find just one fucking thing in my life that doesn't suck, maybe I won't kill myself. But I haven't had that kind of luck the past couple years.

I'm so tired of being treated like shit. I've stopped asking questions but it doesn't matter because the minute I do I'm treated like absolute shit.

If I can't leave this job I might just kill myself.

I'm so tired of being treated like shit. I've stopped asking questions but it doesn't matter because the minute I do I'm treated like absolute shit.

If I can't leave this job I might just kill myself.

[Everglow.]

I feel like people avoid answering my messages until someone else is around so it's not a one on one conversation. Am I really that painful to be around?

Sometimes I hate myself.

[Tigereyes]

Apparently I need to stop being angry and just cheer up because there's no reason to be upset. Because my grief is apparently invalid.. thanks that CURED me.

I am so anxious about work tomorrow and I can't call in again. I have to deal with it head on but there's a part of me that hopes I don't wake up in the morning

I don't want to be here

[Everglow.]

Cancelled on again. 2nd time this week. I can literally feel my friend slipping away and pretty soon I'll have nobody. There's something wrong with me.

Oh for the love of fuck, do you do nothing around here? You have the most important chore in the house: grocery shopping. You haven't done it at all this month and it's almost the end of the month. We have nothing except soda and sandwich stuff. You seemed really upset to hear, despite knowing this for ages, that I don't generally like sandwich stuff, and I shouldn't have to eat it because you can't get off your fat fucking ass and go shopping. If you were depressed or something I'd understand and we could all work something out, but you're just lazy. I gave you three hundred dollars this month so you could get groceries. I have a half a mind to ask to only give you half next month. After all, that three hundred is for groceries; that's the agreement. If you spent it on other stuff that's your problem. Do your fucking chore.

I don't want to be suicidal because of a job but I am. I need it to stop

I wish I could have called in sick

[Everglow.]

There have been 4 stabbings within ten minutes from where I live in the space of just over a week. I'm scared to be out alone after dark because the world is disgusting.

[Celyn]

I don't want any trouble tomorrow. Feel guilty for saying this but I just want to get it over with.

Also, this brings back memories of how selfish others can be, only caring about themselves and their guilt. And its making me remember how I felt the other year when I felt betrayed and angry and that anger is still there now. Hope it goes away soon.

If I don't get the new job idk what I'll do. I can't keep this up much longer. I just can't keep doing it.

I'm thinking of going home and looking for my tools. I have 3 hours left in the day and if I still feel this way I might do it. Not sure I'll cut but if I don't have to search for my blades that will be a step towards having a way to cope. I might also just buy new tools if I'm too lazy to look

[Tigereyes]

They got the replacement cat. No one cares how I feel. So far from okay. I have no support system. I desperately need a hug. To be held. Maybe one day I'll get a hug, but I'll never be held again because I aro ace. I've never hated this part of me so much before. The best I can do to cope is try to escape, physically and/or mentally, as much as possible, however possible.

I want to die. Sixteen hours and I'm free

Oh I woke up. I still wish I has died in my sleep but I guess that's not possible.

I don't want to be here. I might need to cut sooner rather than later.

[Tigereyes]

Me being in pain hurts others, so that's why I need to just stop being in pain.

I can't do this today

Already feeling the crash from all the work-related activity of the past month or so. I need to bounce back fast.

[Tigereyes]

These phone and video interviews are so bad for my anxiety. In person interviews are no problem, but phone/video calls are so, so bad.. I don't know how I'll get through this. I don't have any xanax left that I shouldn't have even had access to. I can't get more. I've considered drinking to cope with this--not enough to get drunk, just enough to take the edge off the anxiety--but I'm afraid that it'll show during the interview. So I can't. I have another important call to make today too that might also be an interview or might not. But I can't think about that without panicking, and I have to get through this interview first. I'm losing myself in anxiety. I started getting overwhelmed by grief on top of this. I distracted myself with Netflix, but now the interview is in half an hour and I cna't even prepare for it.

My lamp broke and I got a shock trying to fix it. It still hurts and my room is so dark now!

[Everglow.]

Went out with family which I was really looking forward to and ended up feeling really awkward and out of place. Starting to realise I have nothing in common with anyone anymore and it's really sad.

I hate that I need validation like a child.

I wonder what happens when you die

[Tigereyes]

The time is approaching. Where it all ends, one way or another. I can't go on, and I don't want to. There's nothing to look forward to, to hope for, to live for. I just want it to end. I want out. Because the things that have broken me can never be fixed. So I will remain broken forever...

My anxiety is so damn bad.

[Everglow.]

I literally fell over a wall at work today and now my ankle aches again. I'm so clumsy.

[Tigereyes]

I've never felt so insecure about my identity as I do now. And it only makes it worse that the person who helped me overcome it the most is the one who just contributed to this hatred and confusion toward myself now. I've never felt so broken and alone. I feel like a freak. No one can relate. The best person to talk to about this is the person I can't talk to because they made me feel this way. I don't want to be me...

I wish I could quit

[Tigereyes]

It's been over 2 years in recovery, and I'm more miserable than ever before.

It might hurt a lot of people if I kill myself but at least my pain would stop.

I screwed up today and I have no way to escape. I'm trapped in a job I hate and I can't leave it because I need the medical insurance. At least if I were dead that wouldn't be a worry.

I don't know why I kept myself safe today. No one would have known until it was too late.

If there was a way to escape sooner I'd probably take it.