Non-PG13 (Strong Language): Screaming thread.

It's probably not healthy to pray for death. Not sure I believe in God but if there is one maybe he'll finally do something kind for me

Something is going to happen today that will freak me out. My boss will say something or put too much on me. I can't handle this anxiety.

[Tigereyes]

If you lied about that, how much else did you lie about? I've never felt so broken..

My only hope is that I don't wake up tomorrow

[Everglow.]

I hate my job. I get holiday pay based on 13 hours and yet I work 30, but they 'dont know' if they can up my contract so I get the holiday I've been entitled to for over a year. I hate it.

I feel like I can't do this.

[Tigereyes]

I feel so sick from the pain and stress that I might actually get sick

[Tigereyes]

Well I have nothing left to lose now..

I am so damn fat. I am going to gain weight

[Tigereyes]

I'm too sick from all this stress and pain and anger and grief and fear to eat. Do I care? No.

I can't do this. I can't

[Tigereyes]

Addiction fucking ruins everything. Forever. It doesn't even matter that we're both clean/sober now because we've already fucked things up too much in active addiction that it's too late to fix. I'm truly broken. And if this is what sobriety is like, I don't fucking want it! I don't want it. I hate being sober. It's just pain. There's nothing good left in my life without substances. No relief to the pain. Nothing to look forward to or hope for. Nothing to try for. No one to be there for me. Everything in my life in sobriety was a fucking lie! For how long, I don't even know. But it kills me. It kills me so much. Because you just took away the one thing I had left to hold on to; which was only a flicker of hope to begin with. Now it's just me and my fucked up mind. My tears that won't stop as I see every day that you have already moved on. That I am nothing to you. You said it didn't matter that my progress was slower than yours, but clearly it did. I'm not recovering the same as you, and you think that means I'm not even trying. So why bother trying at all. My efforts don't pay off. All this work for more pain? What's the fucking point? Maybe you should be afraid of what I'll do, but I'm not. Because I really don't give a fuck what happens to me anymore. Why should I? Who gives a fuck? Because I sure don't. Fuck drugs. Fuck addiction. Fuck life for sucking so much that drugs are the last resort.

[Everglow.]

Another year where I'm not important.

[Tigereyes]

I had an opportunity to end it tonight, and I almost did.

Thinking about going to work tomorrow makes me want to die.

My boss was out today and I was relieved.

Looking into a new job and scared it'll be the wrong choice.

I have to make it till June 4th before accepting something new and I'm scared that won't happen.

I really don't want to do this job anymore and I know I won't get hired for the other job. I've heard they have picky hiring practices and they usually already have an idea on who they want to hired

[Starseeker]

what's going on with my father?

I don't feel like I can do this.

Having such a bad day today

[Tigereyes]

What kind of fucking nightmare was today??

And this week? And this month? And this year? And the past couple years? Plus an entire decade before that.

I can't do this

[Tigereyes]

So much is so bad that dissociation is hitting. The survivor me is back. Maybe I can survive after all. My brain and body have already adapted to trauma. So I can survive. Just don't know in what condition.

Welp I made it through the night. A new day to stress and worry about work.

Idk how I'm going to survive.

[Tigereyes]

So much death. So much loss. I am lost.

I am feeling so nervous. I want this so badly so it probably won't happen

The week is almost over and I'm having to put my free time on hold to study for this test.

Three more weeks and I'm done with this class and hopefully I pass.

Three weeks will pass quickly.

[Everglow.]

Half way through my week off work and my team leader texts me to tell me - not even ask me - that I'm going on a training course in a couple of weeks. It's a pain in the ass to get to and involves using the tube and going into central london which I hate at the best of times, let alone when I'm on my own. I'm going to be so anxious for the next two weeks now and I feel like I'm going to cry.

If I died would it be better? No anxiety, no stress

[Celyn]

Why is everything so tiring so easily? Headache again.

I hope they don't answer

[Everglow.]

So now I'm not getting a reply from you. You can message me and stress me out on my week off but you can't reply when I have a problem with it. Bitch.

Good news: I texted my therapist and told her I need to see her and explained that I'm having really bad anxiety.

Bad news: She's on vacation and will get back to me May 17th.

[Celyn]

Struggling with holding back the tears about how pathetic I am.

[Tigereyes]

Apparently chronic illness isn't a valid enough reason to be tired. Pushing myself to sickness isn't good enough; lazy in fact. So I pop more caffeine pills and potentiators since the caffeine doesn't work enough anymore. But it's not enough. So I work longer hours and sleep less. More pills. Vicious cycle but it's still not enough. Because whatever I do, healthy people are accomplishing more. And that's what I'm compared to because I don't look sick. I keep getting yelled at for trying to respect my limitations, so now I don't. I know people with real uppers. I've been thinking of that more because what choice do I have. I'm going to get cardo problems eventuqlly if I keep this up, but maybe I'll get lucky and I'll die first. Healthy people abuse uppers to accomplish more; I need them to function less than normally. But I'm just lazy for not working myself into the hospital or to death.

[Everglow.]

The truth is that I'm simply not good at anything. I don't have the social skills or the confidence to be good - actually good - at anything I ever do. I can go to this uni inverview, I might even get a place on the course, but in a year when I graduate I'll be no better off than I am now. I'll have another certificate to put into a folder and I'll still have no idea what I Want to do with it. I'll still be sat on my laptop at 12:30 in the morning scrolling through job sites and starting to cry because I'm stuck and can't do anything.

Work tomorrow and I am anxious. I kind of wish I had taken four hours off but it won't be that bad once I go in in the morning.

[Tigereyes]

It doesn't matter how much caffeine I take anymore. All it does now is prevent withdrawals. Potentiators don't even make it work enough, but it's all I've got. Must push through it because apparently I'm completely healthy when I'm not in the hospital. So I shouldn't complain. I don't have limitations from a disability. So me trying to respect my limitations is hurting others. They always remind me of that. All I can say is, my brother doesn't have these health problems, but he definitely uses uppers. I can see it in his eyes. I've thought about asking him what he has because I can't keep this up. Nothing legal overcomes this fatigue. I'm running out of options.

I can't handle this stress. It's such bullshit.

I swear I don't want to do this anymore. I feel so trapped

I'm feeling terrified

[Clarent]

Turns out there's nothing interesting about me. I'm just a generic human being.