Non-PG13 (Strong Language): Screaming thread.

I'm struggling a lot with anxiety.

[Everglow.]

Why do customers feel the need to tell me it's disgusting that we can't see them sooner? I can't help that we are fully booked for two weeks. I can't change what management tell me to do and I can't make appointments appear out of thin air. It isn't my fault. I'm doing my job and shouting about how doctors and opticians can't work around your schedule won't change anything. Telling me it would be a two hour job in your country when it's a two week one here won't change anything. I can't work magic and if you want to break me you bloody well will. I can't break the guidelines or the laws to suit you because you can't keep track of your own life. I'm doing my job. It isn't to hurt you it's literally my job. Stop taking it out on me.

I am not sure why I keep trying.

I hate so many things right now.
I know it will get better.
I know things are going great.
I just don't feel okay today though.

[Kate*]

I literally can't fucking even. She gave me an out for the first time, I don't know why I didn't take it.

I hate when I wake up like this. I hate it so much. Anxious and unsure.

[Everglow.]

I want to be invisible. I want to fade away so nobody notices I'm gone.

Yay for anxiety. Not sure if I took medication for it this morning. Going to have to right now though because I see it turning into a panic attack.

[Tigereyes]

I can't read all this shit for school, and there's so much more to do and not enough time or energy to do it--and I need more of both. I really don't know that I can get through this semester. I really with people would just listen and acknowledge that I'm struggling instead of just trying to reassure me that I can do it. Because maybe I can't. And that's not negativity. That's me trying to acknowledge my limitations for the first time ever instead of pushing myself way too far like I always do until I get really sick again. You know it''s bad when you're hoping you end up in the hospital so that you're able to take a couple weeks to rest and disability services and your professors will all actually work with you to let you make up work in a reasonable amount of time and/or take an incomplete. I really desperately need a break, but I won't get one 'til this semester ends, and it just started. It's only going to get worse, and I already can't handle it, but I have to keep this to myself so I don't overwhelm and inconvenience anyone else. I'm so sick and tired of this shit. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired in multiple ways. I wish I had just dropped out of school freshmen year before I accumulated so much fucking debt that my only hope IS to graduate college so I can pay off my debt with a decent job maybe if I'm lucky. If I can even handle a career in my field, and after I also suffer through grad school so I can get a job in my field. As if I wasn't suicidal before this semester started. I'm more so now. I only haven't given up yet because I have nothing to lose by pushing myself past my breaking point if I was going to kill myself anyway. I was living for others, but they don't need me anymore, and I'm just hurting them more by not getting better fast enough. I hate this. I hate my life. I hate myself. I want to die.

[Everglow.]

It's so exhausting having to listen to how you're going to uni in a month, how you've got all this paid work, so many friends, people to go to the gym with, while I know I'll be sat on my own for the majority of my day with nobody to talk to and no prospects for my future. I know it isn't your fault, but I'm so disinterested in life right now.

[Starseeker]

I hate myself for cutting after 420 days of being clean and for making my parents worry about me. They can't sleep because of me and they have to work too much to earn money for my therapy.

I hate school. I don't want to go there anymore.
I hate people for the disguises they are wearing every day.
I hate everything except books that let me into their worlds.

I feel like I'm never going to get this.

[Everglow.]

Starting to think there's no point to my life at all and I don't really know what to do with these thoughts because I don't see a way out.

[Tigereyes]

So dead that even if I have the time to do something fun occasionally, I don't have energy. And by that I mean even watching a movie, reading a book, or just anything in general.

[Everglow.]

Train Got cancelled..hurt my leg..Got stopped by a fundraiser which has made me anxious. I needed today over before it started.

[Tigereyes]

It's only 8 in the morning and I've already had over 200 mg of caffeine, and I can't focus for shit because the fatigue is so bad, but I have so much work that needs to be done the next few days... I'm at a loss for what to do. Blasting aggressive music in attempt to keep my eyes open as I try to read these boring textbook pages.

[Starseeker]

it's awful it's awful it's so fucking awful

[Tigereyes]

Maybe I actually can't do it.

[Clarent]

So apparently wanting to be even vaguely rested for once is a thing worth complaining about.

My mother is a pathetic, immature little cunt and there's nothing I can do about it.

[London_grace]

Parents are rude.

[Kate*]

Remember I said that when I hit my limit and was forced to work beyond it, it wasn't pretty? I am very close to hitting my wall and still have 6 hours tomorrow, 8 hours on Sunday, and 5 hours on Monday before I FINALLY get ONE day off. Not to mention I'm dealing with the most stubborn headache of my life, it's going into it's 8th hour with only short breaks thanks to the multiple medication doses, and yet I'm considering applying for a promotion?!

I am not okay right now. At least I have therapy

[Tigereyes]

So much caffeine but it doesn't help enough. I'm not going to make it, and I wish everyone would stop fucking saying I can do it. I'm not unmotivated! I HAVE BEEN pushing through it every fucking day of my life. Please stop saying I just need to push through it, 'cause I can't fucking do it anymore. There's no energy to be found to psuh through it left. Believe me, I'm trying. I know you don't know what to say or how to help, but please... not that.

[London_grace]

My parents are so mean!! I have feeling to binge eat now! Sad!

I want to go home

[Everglow.]

I'm not well and can't call in sick tomorrow
And I've been watching scary things online and now I'm worried someone is watching me or gonna attack me in the night.

Waking up with anxiety is awesome

[Tigereyes]

I really want to drop out or die.

[Starseeker]

i dont even count self-harm-free days because i know ill cut again

[London_grace]

It's a lot. Crying.

[nothereanymore]

I’m glad you’ve gathered I don’t wanna talk to you. Don’t guilt trip me for it. Ask yourself why and then maybe do something about it.

[Tigereyes]

And now I'm sick too. And I can't rest or skip any classes. What's next?

I Dont want to do this today.
I just want to stay in bed.

[Tigereyes]

"Fake it 'til you make it." I'm faking it but not making it.

I'm so overwhelmed and I don't fully understand what the fuck I'm doing.

My mentor is super busy and stressed so she ran through it quickly and I feel. Overwhelmed.

It doesn't help that I'm doing shit that I won't get credit for so I'm gonna have really crappy numbers this week.

I came close to cutting Sunday night and I keep thinking about it today.

Why do I let stress get to me like this.

Just keep hoping another position opens up.

[Tigereyes]

If I just push myself harder and be super productive, I'll just be less behind but still behind. I can't keep up. And I can't work as had as I need to to be less behind because I'm so sick.

[Kate*]

I hope these conversations NEVER take place about me someday. But, I do hope there will be someone there for me.

[Tigereyes]

Why can't everyone stop fucking telling me that it'll work out? Maybe it won't. Things don't always work out. No ones actually listening. So maybe I'll just stop talking. 'Cause I'm trying to stay alive, but if it doesn't get better, I guess you'll see that it doesn't always work out.

[Everglow.]

Feeling sorry for myself today.

It might be better if I weren't alive.

Make the thoughts stop!

[nothereanymore]

I don’t need any more signs that I’m a failure. I know that already. Thanks.