Non-PG13 (Strong Language): Screaming thread.

[nothereanymore]

Wish I was dead

I couldn’t sleep last night. In my futile attempts to get comfortable, I touched my shoulder and for the first time ever, I felt how boney it is. I’m one thin layer of fat away from the bones being visible on the outside. Maybe I am getting too thin. The number today is lower than it has been in a week, but it’s still too high. My body is begging for food, but my mind can’t let me have it. The anxiety I feel in the kitchen is unlike anything else. I ran in and out so quickly for coffee. I’ll be okay though, right? I don’t like to eat. Eating is bad. I can survive on coffee and vitamin water.

Feel like crying.

[.Brittany.]

Non stop headaches. Non stop headaches for so many months..

[Complete Love.]

Not sure what is going on in my mind. I feel crazy. Somebody please help me. I would rather be in a hospital right now. I need help. Im purging all the time. Im feeling suicidal all thr time. Im scared for myself. What if one day I cant hold on anymore. They will find me dead.. but then i think maybe this is how it should have happened a long time ago.

[Kate*]

Your snide comment about her being "the most beautiful grandchild" shouldn't bother me, but since I don't feel beautiful, it does. I haven't even been forced to go without my meds yet, and I'm already slipping.

I need my coverage to stay on my meds. Do your fucking job, we did ours!

I am trying to be okay but I have no idea how. Just need to get through the next two days!

Tired, having trouble sleeping.

I made one minor mistake and I am pretty sure it's going to impact it all long term.

I will be okay. I will be okay. I will be okay.

[Starseeker]

i
have
never
felt
as
lonely
as
i
do
now

I'm a mess up

[Everglow.]

I can't do anything about it today it's my day off. I have plans and I'm not about to spend 4 hours travelling there and back as well as £6 Just go come in and find something that I'm sure i did properly. This is why I'd never apply for team leader. The job doesn't give you a day off it just gives you a day to listen to complaints from somewhere else. It's so tiring.

[Thinking]

I don't feel good.. I feel so stupid and lazy. I didn't do anything good at all.

[Kate*]

Worst night ever and I'm still recovering. At least it's a short shift today.

Please let me get through today. No matter what happens ... just let me be strong

We haven't gotten back the test that she had! Come on, I need to know what it is!

[Kate*]

I hate people

[nothereanymore]

And your goddamn melodrama begins. She couldn’t fucking stand it.

[Kate*]

No one can do everything, disabled or not. Don't tell me how to live my life.

[Kate*]

Buy the clothes or get the fuck out and don't make a G-d damn mess! It's not that fucking hard. And if you think I have time for training crap after you cut my hours, you're INSANE. At least I have the least to do.

Pretty sure I'm over thinking, but do I have the least training to do because I do the least/easiest work because of my disability, or am I just the most caught up? I don't want to be paranoid, but I don't want to be taken advantage of and not realize it. And there's a million and one reasons not to bring it up. I am not feeling work today. At least I'm off tomorrow.

Today was not a great day. I binged on food secretly in my room today. What is wrong with me? Why do I have this problem and I can't stop! Everything is getting too me!

I'm struggling a lot with these obsessive thoughts. I know I have ocd. I've only ever talked about it vaguely. I addressed it therapy and all I was told was I needed to talk to my psychiatrist.

There was no discussion on how to work on it in therapy.

It's taken me a long time to realize it's not just OCD tendencies... It's ocd. It's just more obsessive thinking and less compulsion. I still do thing out of compulsion but the obsession is the issue.

I'll talk to the therapist I'm seeing on the first and I'll talk to my psychiatrist on the 5th...but idk.

I just hate the thoughts. I hate the obsession. I want it to stop.

I don't want to be annoying. I don't want to torment myself.

I just am not sure how to cope with the thoughts. I know what's suggested for the more compulsive things and I try doing that. If my mind tells me I have to end on an even chapter or a derivitive of five... I challenge myself to only read to chapter three. It helps sometimes and I'm sure there are other ways to cope but it does help.

I have no real idea how to stop the obsessive thinking so a therapist and my psychiatrist will have to help.

[Complete Love.]

Why cant I just get better without gaining weight? Its like theres no win. Why am I evwn getting treatment if im just going to relapse when I leave? Amd why does no one sell pottasium binders??? I need some to lower my potassium even more. I need people to know im hurting inside. Im scared. I need help, they wont know that unless I show them.

I hate myself

[Kate*]

I'm about done, we're being censored so we want to leave, get censored for explaining why we want to leave, have concerns about something that's about us going on behind our backs, we voice said concern and get censored again. Full story or not, decision made, I'm out

I will no longer feel guilty
I am not appreciated

[Fanatic]

What should I do? College is getting stressful and I have to think about the future. I feel so confused and helpless. I feel so alone because the people that cheer me up are too busy for me. I want to wake up from this nightmare...

I don't know that I can keep doing this.

Pretending everything is okay when it isn't

[Tigereyes]

I'm so sorry I keep fucking up everything and hurting you... maybe the only way to stop hurting the ones I love is to give up on my "sobriety."

[Kate*]

I just filled out my own application because you are fucking idiots and no, it wasn't easy. Now, do your fucking jobs and reinstate my coverage with my original company so I don't have to go through finding them all again!

Please let it be okay.
Please let me get a job soon.
Please don't let anything bad happen
Please please please

I’m terrified to get the physical done today. What if she doesn’t believe me that I have an eating disorder? I weigh too much to have an eating disorder. I eat too much to be anorexic. I want to stay in bed all day.

Getting dressed is the hardest part of the day because everything makes me look so giant. How can I look so huge in a skirt that is barely small enough to stay on my waist? What am I doing to myself? I can’t do this. I need to stop, but stopping means gaining weight. It means getting back up to the weight I was in high school. I can’t do that. I can’t. I can’t go back to being the fat girl.

I have no idea what I am doing.
I don't know what I want any longer.
I don't know how to fix any of the things going wrong.
I have given up but it seems like others have as well.

It's a lot!

[Kate*]

Volunteered for an extra shift tomorrow, hopefully I don't regret it since I'm working 3 days in a row again.

Since I'm not off now, I need more sleep.

It was due on my first day, it's not done because I can't do it. So, I'm not behind, you either need to figure out a way for me to get it done, or you need to take it out.

No one wants me

[Everglow.]

I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself

I'm so tired and I hate this place and I wish I was younger again so I didn't have to do it

This is all such bullshit.
Just do your JOB!!!!

[nothereanymore]

Stay out of my personal space for crying out fucking loud