Non-PG13 (Strong Language): Screaming thread.

I honestly don't know what it is like to not be suicidal or, at least, not have the thoughts.

[nothereanymore]

^same.

jesus Christ I'm fucking doomed. There's no way this will ever get better

I want to make all these things happen and make all this money and try all these work from home things but I don't see it working and what I really want to do is walk into traffic

I'm gonna get some heavy pain meds after my surgery. We'll see what we can do with that.

I need a distraction

[.Brittany.]

I'm sooooo tired today! I don't know what's wrong with me!

^ I'm tired too!

I really wish they'd stop with all this. Oh, and now I am remembering someone. Lovely!

[Starseeker]

Did I just fail an English vocabulary test? And I can't get German. I've always believed languages were that only one thing I was pretty good at, but now I see I'm good at nothing...

[Kate*]

I'm trying to be flexible, but you keep changing my schedule! I AM available whenever you need me for the most part, but I still have things like appointments and a life I'd like to have. Make it consistent, plan further ahead with the schedule, or I'm going to keep nagging you to make adjustments because I can't give enough notice to do it the right way.

I'm tired today.

[Hanna Banana]

I am just so fucking tired of all the shit I have to deal with and I hate hearing Oh you just wait till your an adult. I just hate how some teachers feel like they can treat us students like fucking shit. It isn't fucking boot camp your suppose to be teaching us something. So do your fucking jobs.

[nothereanymore]

Can't get over that. If I were physically sick you wouldn't be treating me like this. Except you totally would. You treat your wife that way. She has diabetic polyneuropathy and you hassle her about getting a job. I was sick with massive hurt-to-breathe strep and you said "It's always something with you." I had C. Diff and you made me cry for not taking care of myself and having to disinfect things. I WAS FUCKING SICK. I WAS HORRIBLY SICK. I HAD 102 DEGREE FEVERS AND I COULDN'T KEEP A P P L E S A U C E IN MY SYSTEM AND YOU GUILT TRIPPED ME FOR IT. YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO TAKE CARE OF ME. But I'm not a burden right? You got sick of it after a while. You prick. You lack compassion. You lack sensitivity. And you don't fucking care.

Who the hell are you to judge what's healthy or not for me? You have no idea the shit YOU put me through, you don't get to tell me I'm acting unhealthy. Our entire relationship was unhealthy and I did what I needed to do to take care of both of us. I love you, but I'm not dealing with your shit. I deserve better than being half loved.

And now I'm sitting in my room, alone and drunk. I only had two beers, but it doesn't take much when you don't eat. I'm pissed at how you treated me, I'm pissed at how I can't tell you I'm pissed and I fall into silence, shame, and apologies as soon as I get near you. I don't deserve that. I'm worthy of being respected, so step up to plate.

I feel like I'm worthless

Three restless nights in a row! This is getting really annoying.

[Hanna Banana]

I fucking hate having to ride the school bus.

Suicidal and having really strong and graphic urges and thoughts about self harm.

[.Brittany.]

Im in so much pain.. A started me on a new diet and workout routine, and yesterday was my first day. I'm in sooo much pain!!

[.:PrincessZelda:.]

Why am I still alive?

My lowest weight gets lower every single day. I've reached, and passed, the goal weight I set six months ago. Realistically, I'll be underweight in a week. The number on the scale keeps getting lower and lower, my clothes keep getting looser and looser, but I look no different. I'm still fat, I'm still unlovable. I just want to be beautiful, because if I could be beautiful, no one would ever hurt me because you can't hurt beautiful things.

I just lied straight to my mom's face because I don't want to eat. What is my problem?

[nothereanymore]

Stop acting like you have compassion for me. You don't.

[Hanna Banana]

I fucking hate having to get up at the crack ass of dawn for something I hate so damn much as school.

Last night, I sat up looking at photos of women at the same weight as me so I can try to see what I look like. All I see is that they're skinny, and I'm so far from it. Now I'm ill prepared for the two midterms I have this morning & am bringing in so much more to talk about in therapy today. Good.

[Thinking]

How much more should I compensate my sleep for studies... I barely slept at all lately for weeks...

And why do I still cant do well in exams... I know I am stupid but is my effort really not enough... I don't know how to further optimize my time usage any further...

I might as well not sleep at all. This will eliminate my sleeping problem simulatenously.

Edit: What the heck am I ranting... It must be because I am lazy.

I am struggling so damn much with actually wanting to be alive. I know the holiday season can be difficult. I am trying to distract myself and give myself stuff to look forward too.

Next month I am going to start shopping for Christmas Ornaments and other decorations. I have been, slowly, accumulating presents. I have gifts for everyone except my boyfriend and three of my nieces. I am pretty sure I know what I am getting my boyfriend and one of my nieces. I am just waiting till closer to Christmas.

I don't know what to do. Things...are coming to light ... and I am not sure how to cope. Also not sure if this might be what is stressing me out.

I am thinking about going back to therapy next year. I might start looking again in December, maybe. I will set aside two weeks out of the month to go as well.

IDK, just feel like I am falling apart. The distractions aren't helping.

[Hanna Banana]

Why does school have to be so damn difficult for me? I already am getting all the special help I can get with Aides and such and I suppose it does help but I feel stupid because of it. I am constantly asking myself why can't I be like one of those girls that go to school and don't even seem to try hard and still get A's all the time. I hate school and still bust my ass just to be barely average and it is discouraging. Sometimes I think to myself Why the Hell do I even do it. I am not going to make it into college. In two years I will be 17 years old and at that time I can legally drop out of high school. I know it would devastate my Mom, but I am not cut out for this. I know the best I am going to be is working some low paying job that is shitty and don't take brains to do it. It is discouraging but it is the truth.

[MWF]

My best friend is completely delusional. Dumbest person on Earth, holy shit.

I'm off today and now.

[Kate*]

No, the fact that I haven't been near her doesn't matter because YOU have been near both of us and just because no one else is sick YET doesn't mean no one else will get it!

And I desperately need therapy to not be cancelled and to be off on the day I booked it for!

[nothereanymore]

I can't rest. I need rest.

I really don't want to go to work today. It's gotten so redundant and monotonous, just like my life in general. Blah.

[Hanna Banana]

I hate rainy blah days like today. They make me depressed.

So tired, and still got at least eight hours left in my day.

[Kate*]

After I went through the trouble of freaking out and adjusting my work schedule, they cancelled the appointment I've had for almost 2 MONTHS and scheduled me for DECEMBER! I hope you had a good reason, because if not that's incredibly selfish and potentially dangerous.

Just a okay day.

Why did you just eat all that? You disgusting fat pig. Now you're going to put back what you took six months to take off!

[Everglow.]

I'm so. Tired.
No amount of sleep makes this any better. I'm absolutely exhausted.

[Calaer]

I hate the way you treat me. I hate that you always seem to get a way with the worlds worst things..

[Kate*]

Classic me, they're on people about computer crap which I've wanted out of the way since hire and I can't find my requirements to save my life!

[Calaer]

I'm doing my best here. I'm trying my hardest and no matter what I do, you always act like I'm the worst person in existence. I give you my all, and you just take it and ask for so much more. Well, fuck you.

Today, I talked on the phone with an eating disorder clinic. I had to call them back because when I saw that number calling me, my entire body froze and I was so paralyzed in fear that I literally was in pain. Everything hurt. On top of that, I was at work and the therapist office is across from me so that's fucking fun when I'm struggling. It's not my therapist that works in there, but I know they know each other. And I know she doesn't talk about me to others, she wouldn't anyway, but especially due to the position my job puts me in I know she really wouldn't talk to anyone there. I want to email her and tell her I got in contact with the clinic, but I'm not even sure if I'm going to go to support group on Tuesday. No point in telling my therapist I'm going, and then not going.

I'm a little drink and now I'm drinking more so I can be really drunk. It's this, or cut. I already cut this week. Drinking is fine.