In the year 2003, I was picked on for the first time. In 2008, I developed depression and severe paranoia of being watched and that everyone was out to get me; both of which I had no idea existed at the time. I thought it was a normal part of growing up and was highly confused when my friends said that they had never experienced anything like it. 2010 (the year I learnt what paranoia/depression were), I went from just shyness to social anxiety. 2012, the worst year of my life, my depression became more severe, I began self harm, and I don't remember what kept me from suicide. By 2013, I had severe depression, severe paranoia, severe social anxiety (to the point where I refused to go outside for anything other than school, which was a nightmare for me), my arms were cut up horribly, I had had a few close calls with anorexia and bulimia, but I sought help before they got bad, and was a shred of hope away from suicide. My personality had become clingy, melodramatic and somewhat selfish from the diseases, which tended to drive people away.
Some time during 2012, as I was crying myself to sleep one night, I made myself a promise. A promise that, to this day, I have kept. I promised myself that I would help ANYONE who sought my help or who I thought might need it, out of the hell-hole that is depression. I've used my own experiences and stories to assist me in this, and many people have told me that I had given them hope. Hearing that makes me happier than anything else. No one who I've reached out to, or who have reached out to me, have ended their lives. And I plan to keep it that way.
Sometime, probably early 2013 or late 2012, I decided it was time to get out of the hell. Some time early in 2013, there was a man who I still remember today... Though I'm pretty sure he's forgotten I exist
He was sending me music videos of the alternative genres, but there was one that stood out to me... I memorized the name, and a few days later as I was listening to one of the other alternative bands that he had sent me (Icon for Hire), I suddenly thought... I want to listen to that other song. So, I typed in the name and listened to it again. And again. And again. After a while, I started clicking on other music videos by the same band, and to this day they are my favorites <3 That first song, was Perfect Weapon by Black Veil Brides.
I decided it was time to get out of that hole. Time wasn't doing anything, so I decided I would dig my way out, no matter how hard it was and how long it took. I started by quitting self harm, putting away the knives, scissors, broken glass etc. For good. My new outlet was BVB, which I would soon progress to other bands.
The next step took me a LONG time. Changing my personality. I realize that I shouldn't change for people around me, but it was really for my own good. Besides, I'm so much happier now and so glad I did it. I started by trying to consider how other people felt more often. I had always considered myself a giving person, but apparently those around me didn't. I also tried to lay off the touchiness and solving my problems with violence. Once I had made some progress with those two, I started to reserve talking about my problems to certain times in certain environments to certain people. I slowly started getting my friends back, and my new-found appreciation for them (as I had gone about a year without them) gave me support.
During this personality change, I began to change my appearance. This was also for me, considering I would cringe every time I looked in the mirror. This transition was also because of Black Veil Brides, as they had introduced me to an entire community in which I felt I belonged. My appearance transition included (some things were added as I changed my personality): Cutting my hair, losing weight, changing my entire wardrobe, dying my hair, using makeup, etc..
There was one other thing that I needed to rid myself of; my paranoia. I developed two others in the process, but the first one is almost completely gone
At least now I can shower
And I shower frequently (In fact as I type this I'm considering going to have a shower...) The others are that my mind is being read and the other is hard to explain... But it has similar effects as the original one; just not as severe.
I got tickets to a Black Veil Brides concert on the 26th of February, 2014. My first concert, and I was excited, but nervous because of my anxiety. We reached the hotel, and mum came up to tell my friend and I that there was a girl in the alley, where mum had been smoking, who was alone and was also shy, and that we needed to go and befriend her. That we did. We stood and hung out in the alley for hours on end, and only when it was 15 minutes until the doors open did we go and stand in line. It was quite a sight to see, for a small-town girl in the city - A HUGE line of people wearing black, crazy hair and crazy makeup, just standing on the street. The girl who my friend and I had met suddenly ran to the front and hugged someone, a boy, and we were allowed to cut close to the front. Everyone was so... Friendly. They treated me as if we were all friends, and that's what we were. These random people who I had never met, were my friends. I got many compliments and met beautiful people. When I mentioned my low self esteem because of the town I lived in, I got hugs from random people
I'm going to tell this story simply because it makes me so happy
In the concert, I met a boy who was directly behind us. He was tall, skinny, hazel-eyed, blond, drop-dead-gorgeous, adorable, had blue braces (I love braces), the flippy hair I loved and his personality was funny, kind and ADORABLE. He complimented me on my piece of claw jewelry that was a bracelet and 5 rings for each finger, and also my hair clips. Oh yeah, did I mention he was adorable? He could have gotten any girl in the place because he was so adorable and attractive. Since I'm talking about him so much you have probably already guessed what happened
I was slightly confused at first, because he started putting his hand on my shoulder. I figured it was by mistake, until he did it again. Then, I figured he was using me to help him jump higher or to stabilize himself, but there was no pressure on my shoulder that could have possibly been his body weight. Eventually, I had an idea of what he might have been suggesting, as he was closer to me than he had been before, and so I placed my hand on his and he held it
Later, that escalated to him wrapping his arms around me, around the collarbone (because he's adorable, that's why
). He'd pull me closer, so close that when he took in a breathe to shout or sing I'd feel it on my back. By the end of the night, I had my mind made up. I knew that I'd regret it more if I didn't than if I did. I turned around, hugged him tightly and kissed him. He kissed back, thank god
And we kissed three times and hugged a lot before he was finally on his way. Unfortunately he didn't have anything I could contact him with
Fortunately, I kept in contact with the girl and guy who I had mentioned before
5 days later, me and the boy who I had kept in contact with had become best friends already, and talking to him is the highlight of my day.
2014, I am 13 years old, but will be 14 in June
I'm overjoyed that I will live to see my 14th. Which, by the way, will have around about 15 people invited. I have become nearly scared of death, because I have so many plans for my future. I've grown to see only the good things about myself; I'm a bright, pleasant and well-mannered girl. I have a stunning smile and sparkly blue eyes and awesome hair. I'm passionate and ambitious, and take joy in making others smile. Also, about a week ago, I've had a breakthrough! I've learned to love my tall, curvy body, instead of obsessing over weight loss. In fact, I almost love the appearance of what society calls 'fat' more than skinny
I'm good at singing, art and gaming. I no longer care if people stare at me, in fact I try to wear and do outrageous things to stand out. I've become quite outgoing, though I'm still shy around new people.
Going to end this here, because I really want to direct my attention on talking to my friend
Sooo, thanks for reading <3
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