a revelation i had about autism

[Soda_Voxel]

Today has not been a good day, however just now I had a pretty interesting revelation about my autism and I wrote it down, and it made me feel a bit better about it. It's a bit long and I'm just pasting it because I posted it on another site first, but it means a lot to me and it made me feel good so I figured I'd put it here too. However if it's in the wrong section please move it!

Autism can be a massive struggle and I often experience internalised ableism, self hatred, dark thoughts etc. It is extremely difficult to process the world in such a different way, to not understand conversation or instructions, to be overwhelmed by seemingly nothing.

However it can also be such a gift at times. Just as I can be made incredibly sad and frustrated from tiny things, sometimes such simple and small things bring me such joy. I see my special interests and sometimes my heart just swells with love and joy and laughter and smiles and hope and the thought that maybe these things are worth staying alive for.

The sight of a caterpillar sitting on a leaf. A new Philza video. A bird song that I can identify by memory. A lyric from a song that was satisfying to say or particularly spoke to me. An OC I've made that I'm particularly proud of, a character from something that makes me laugh and brings me comfort. Something I did or built well in Minecraft. A dumb video that made me laugh, a beautiful bird I saw outside. A song or band or artist that I love so much. The sparkly, glittery pins-and-needles feeling in my hands when I flap my hands from joy, the forcefield surrounding my body when I swing on a swing, the spacey floating sensation when I bounce on a trampoline. My body feeling warm and yellow and orange and cosy as I rest with closed eyes in the Summer sunshine.

Being listened to, understood, accepted. Not being cast out for stimming, for being overwhelmed, for being upset by strange things, for having obscure or obsessive interests. People enjoying my spewing of random special interest facts or references to things I enjoy littered throughout the conversation. Respect, support, love.

The simplest things can make me so happy and, while I admit I do struggle and do feel sad more often than I do happy, there's so much that actually feels good. And I hope one day I can experience these things more and more with less of the sadness and hopelessness that so often plagues my mind.

[¯|_(ツ)_|¯]

This sounds like such an amazing realization to have and I am very glad you are thinking like this <3

[Everglow.]

I love this post. I'm so glad you've found reasons to smile and reasons to stay alive. This is a really amazing realisation to have had.

[Rivière]

I really love moments like this. Even if we still feel like we're going through a tough time, we bring ourselves back to all the good points about life, and how there are many new things to explore and try out in the future.

I always remember when I was 18 in hospital for my final suicide attempt. Seeing that old lady across from me as the nurse read out aloud about how she's received a new '18 year old patient with an attempted suicide' - me. The look on her face was one I will never forget. She looked so ashamed of me.

That moment always sticks with me because it was at that moment how much life I have left to live. If I were to have died, I'd never have been able to experience all the things I've been able to now. I'd never have gone to university. Never got the job I have now. Never met some really wonderful people. Never met all the friends I have. It's crazy how one wrong move could have taken that all from me. Now I look back and feel appreciative. All it took was one look from that lady's face and everything changed for the better.

[Celyn]

I'm really glad you had that revelation. Autism can definitely bring it's own challenges and it's not nice being bullied or excluded. But there are still positives as well and so many things that you love and enjoy both now and those that you will discover in the future too are definitely worth staying alive for

[Dawn.]

I'm glad you had this revelation.