Embarrassed and worthless

[FONT=""][COLOR=""][SIZE=""][FONT=""][COLOR=""][SIZE=""]I finished high school three years ago. Since then, I have started three faculties on three different universities. Each time after attending for a couple weeks my depression had got so much worse that I had started skipping all the classes and then given up. I had serious suicidal thoughts/plans and afterwards it took months of doubled dose of medicine to stabilise my mental health.

When I was at school I was always one of the best students. I attended a prestigious junior high school and then went to the best high school in the country, but I changed high schools after half a year because I couldn't stand the pressure from my classmates and teachers.

Still I'd never had any problems with studying, got very good marks, everybody in my family has a degree. I had never imagined I would drop out of university three times.

I am so embarrassed before myself, my family and my friends. I avoid meeting my school friends, because all of them will finish university this year, and I'm so ashamed to talk about my failure. Same goes for family. Christmas is coming and again I will have to answer questions when I'm planning to finally finish university and why I haven't done so yet.

I've been doing psychotherapy and medicine for years now. It's not changing much. I feel like my chance has passed. I had three chances to finish university at a reasonable age. I know you're gonna say some people study when they're 50. Sure, sure. Yet as I have tried three times, three totally different faculties, three totally different universities, I know I'm just never gonna finish any university. I'll just stay as I am. The worthless one in a group of school friends. The worthless one in the family.[/size][/color][/font][/size][/color][/font]

[Everglow.]

Hey

Thank you so much for posting about what you're going through. It sounds like there's a few reasons why uni hasn't worked for you (yet), but mostly it sounds like your mental health has been preventing you from really succeeding at uni. There's absolutely nothing wrong with putting a hold on your studies to focus on your mental health. I went through something similar the first time I tried to get a degree, and ended up dropping out for a year myself. I know that it feels like a failure, but it isn't. There are sometimes things that need to take priority and your wellbeing is one of them right now.

I think it does make it 100 times harder to believe this when you're surrounded by the pressure of other people though. I'm sorry that you have to deal with people asking questions. It's really difficult when you feel like you don't match up to everyone else. It is true though that some people do study later than others. I went to university with somebody in their 30s, and when I went back to study the second time there were people who had retired. Just because you've had a hard time so far doesn't mean you wont get to where you want to be. It doesn't matter if you graduate on the first try, the fourth try, or the 10th. What matters is you're doing something which matters to you, and not negatively impacting your health along the way.

If family are asking about university over Christmas, perhaps you could just tell them you don't feel like talking about it right now. If it feels like they aren't respecting that, maybe see if you can take a bit of time away form them. Perhaps go for a short walk or take your gifts to your room and put things away for 10 minutes to let the moment pass. You could also try to navigate the problem by putting on a Christmas film or encouraging people to play a game together so that the conversation naturally moves away from your studies.

Most of all I just want to say that a persons ability to pass university or not does not equal their worth. I know lots of people my age and older who chose not to go to uni at all, and they're all living their lives anyway. They're good people, and very smart too, but uni wasn't for them. I also know people who did go to uni who have gone on to do entirely different things now, which don't use their degree at all. You're working hard on you and that's a full time job sometimes. You're worth so much regardless of your studying, and I hope you find a way to believe this about yourself.

If you ever want to talk please feel free to reach out again.

[Mallika]

Hello there,

Thank you so much for reaching out.

Firstly, please remember that not everyone has a linear path. The traditional path of school > university > career has been challenged by thousands of people. Many successful people I know finished high school and took gap years before going to university. A classmate of mine took a gap year after university because he didn't know if he wanted to pursue a career in the area of the degree that he had earned (I'm not exactly sure what he is doing right now). Others worked for a number of years before returning to school to pursue a degree or diploma in a major they subsequently realised they were passionate (which might have been entirely different from their initial degree). I also know of successful people who opted not to go to university but instead chose to focus on building their professional skills in a career of their interest.

In saying all of this, I'm hoping to convey that everyone's journey is different, especially because our life doesn't always revolve around education and careers. In some cases, people need to drop out of school/university or take a break for personal health reasons, or to care for an ailing family member. Others do so due to financial reasons. There are many other reasons why someone might need to take a break from education.

The very fact that you have reached out to us regarding this suggests that the matter of completing university means a lot to you. However, there are times when we have to prioritise other matters - in your case, putting your mental health first is an extremely important and justifiable reason. There's nothing to be embarrassed about putting yourself first. You seem to be doing your best by going to psychotherapy and receiving medication, which is of course a great step. If they've not been working as optimally as you'd wish, have you thought of switching providers? Or getting a second opinion?

You said you have tried three times but have not been able to finish university. It is natural for any person's confidence to take a beating after repeated attempts that don't go as per plan, so I can understand how you're feeling. However, please remember that a "no" now doesn't mean a "no" forever. It is very plausible that at a more optimal time in the future, once you're faring better in terms of mental health, you would finish university.

I 100% concur with Everglow that you are by no means worthless without a university degree. If it might help and if it is within your financial means, possibly you might want to take a break from this repeated cycle of trying to get back to university and taking classes, and instead focus on an internship or a job that might be in line with your interests, or even a complete hiatus. Once you're doing better and feel that you can go back to university, you can do so in the future.

I can understand that not being able to finish university right now, at this current period, might seem like the end of the world, but it is not. You HAVE a future ahead of you, and you will get the opportunity to do so at a future point. Your chance has not passed. Remember, life happens - be it mental health, other health conditions, familial or financial reasons, etc. - and we have our reasons for not being able to accomplish various things at a set point. You shouldn't beat yourself for not being able to finish university considering your circumstances.

Cliche as it sounds, things are constantly changing. You are not worthless, and you will not stay as you are right now. Possibilities might seem bleak right now, but they will not be forever. Remember that it is OK to put yourself #1; you're not being selfish.

Take care