Junior Problems

[FONT=""][COLOR=""][SIZE=""][FONT=""][COLOR=""][SIZE=""][FONT=""][COLOR=""][SIZE=""]I’m a 16 year old female and currently a Junior in high school. Recently, I’ve been stuck in a major slump. Everything has appeared to be spiraling downhill since last school year. I had always been a hardworking student, up until the virtual transition. Then, I got lazy as everything loosened. I suddenly lost interest in a variety of things and obsessively pursued my maladaptive daydreaming. I’ve lost all my drive and energy. Most days, I crash for hours as soon as I get home from school. Then around 7-8, I wake up,eat, daydream, and attempt to pursue homework while daydreaming.

High school has always been rough for me. I struggle with change and adjusting. For the time that I had it in person, Freshman year was a nightmare. A different school culture, expectations, work load, rules, and new people burdened me. I was not fairing well and just wanted to go back to middle school, where I thrived.

I’ve always been a complete mess, but growing up I thought that would just simply change. By now is when I figured everything would change and unfortunately, it has not. I’m still struggling with that fact. I expected to be skinny, beautiful, extremely intelligent, clean, skilled, organized, and just about perfect because I aged. That’s not the case and it depresses me. I don’t know how to get to that point either. No one in my family has and I’m terrified that I’m going down the beaten path of bad luck and broken dreams that my parents went down.

Growing up, I thought I wouldn’t. I have been a very strong maladaptive daydreamer since before I was 4 years old. At the time, I had no grasp of reality until I was at least 11. I truly thought I was a magical being from somewhere else in the universe, sent to earth by my real family, who I firmly believed I would return to at 18. I kid you not. I believed this so strongly that even the severe bullying I faced and the many counselors and psychologists I saw growing up, could not shake a shred of doubt out of me. Because my family and kids at school would make fun of me, I kept it a secret and only told a few close friends who I knew would be willing to believe and who sadly, supported me.

I’ve been living with childish delusions for so long that I am in no way prepared for adult life. I’m completely clueless on things like my identity and my future. I always thought these things would just figure themselves out! I was a magical,gifted, bullied and despised kid! In fairy-tale logic, I was guaranteed an incredible,magical,powerful destiny putting everyone who ever bullied me to shame. Deep down in my head, I still think this. The idea that destiny and fate will just step in and change it all. I’m still dreaming to this day, even though the dream has changed, it still illusions me that I’m this skilled,experienced, talented person that I’m not.

I have gross motor skills and very little fine motor skills, that are highly uncoordinated. I can´t cook to save my life and I don´t have any outlet to practice. If I cooked for my family it would go down horribly and they would all be judging me and comparing me to my younger brother, who can cook somewhat. He can sew and do that much better than me as well. My parents always have made more time for him and wanted him to learn life skills rather than me. They still can´t and won´t make time for me to practice driving or anything. I want to prepared for adult life however time, money, and my own incompetence say otherwise.

I’ve been doing chorus since 3rd grade, this is my 9th year of it. I’ve never improved at all. You’d think after 9 years of experience, I’d be highly skilled in music, a usual soloist, but no. I’ve never made district, had a solo, or anything of significance. For the past 2 years, I’ve completely lost interest in it to the point where I regret joining the music program. I’ve never been told I have a good voice or that I’m good at what I do. Instead of being given a legitimate award for my skill, I was given a T-shirt for helping around the classroom, mainly picking up trash. At first, I took pride in it, then it became a blow to the face. I never believed I wasn’t a good singer until reality shoved it in my face. I’m intimidated by beauty and music. When one person in my choir does really well, it almost renders me helpless. I get upset and intimidated, instantly feel like I can’t do this because I don’t have any talent or any good qualities. I haven’t found anything I´m good at or something I thrive in. There are just things I like that I´m either mediocre or less than in. I´ve always been this way.


The more I look at my potential future, the more I want to go back. I developed chronophobia in my sophomore year and constantly wish I was younger or even able to restart my life. I still think and act like a child, I probably have developed some regressive behaviors and constantly dream of being younger or being born again, in a different world. I don’t feel young, I feel like I’ve completely ruined my life! I’m still a horribly disorganized,ugly,confused, unhappy,unhealthy, unprepared,childish, and arbitrary mess! I have no talents, no skills, no life skills, and no idea what I’m going to do after high school because school’s all I’ve ever known and I did not plan further ahead because I thought I wouldn’t have to. All I’ve ever done is daydream.
The idea that schools constantly drill in to you is that if you get good grades and are involved in activities you’re automatically guaranteed an amazing prosperous future. Me being me, at a young age I assumed that was it and because I’m me, I’m different, great things would just happen and I’d leave this mortal world. Seeing people younger than me succeed hurts because as a child, I always assumed that would be me. It makes me nervous to see young people achieving things because I´ll never get to a point like that myself.

I always expected to be something, in all my daydreams I am something, however small. Iḿ afraid of death, I want to secure some sort of immortality and leave a legacy. To die is my worst fear, to be forgotten and rendered dead is my second. It appears that I´m not capable of either and all my stregnth,resilience,intelligence, and willpower has left me. I think so stupidly nowadays, in science I never know what´s going on and always mess up the labs. It’s like all sense, motivation, and energy have left me.

I used to be a good student, not straight A’s, but always A’s or high B’s. Now, I’ve got B’s and C’s in classes I normally thrive in. I can’t do my work or pay attention in class, I’m not retaining any of my knowledge either! I’m always exhausted, despite sleeping for almost 4 hours as soon as I get home and when I wake up, I have to eat dinner, then I attempt to do work but I end up listening to music and falling asleep. Everything seems wrong and out of order, I have a lot of teachers this year who’ve already had me and they know this isn’t like me, not that they’ve said anything. I’m not getting an insane amount of work even though I’m taking 3 AP classes, level 4 French, and Honors Math. I just can’t sit down and do it and do it well. My mind is always wandering, my maladaptive daydreaming has gotten so much worse, as I’m always thinking about it, planning what to write as soon as I get home. I’m always forgetting to study because I’m behind on work and am exhausted.

I’m upset with myself and wish I just had the time to put my life together, but even then, there’s no guarantee that it will stay that way. With me being the tired and lazy weakling that I am, it’ll probably get messed up within a day or even less than that.

On top of that, there’s also all the social, family, mental, career, and future pressures that I have to and don’t want to deal with.

Sometimes I feel like I say these things in hopes someone will wave a magic wand, however, I just want honesty and seriousness, or a sliver of help in my predicament.

I’m sorry for boring and burdening anyone who’s reading this, but thank you for doing so.[/size][/color][/font][/size][/color][/font][/size][/color][/font]

[Astro04]

In this cases, there's only one thing to do. Let's think about the past. If you're another person, you will do everything you did again, again and again? If yes, forget about everything: you're in the right road. If no, what do you want to change? There's something you did wrong? Can you fix it now?
I followed this route, and I will never look back. That's MY life, MY decisions.