Issues with a guy at work

[Rivière]

Wow this is longer than I expected. I really need to stop writing essays. -_-

There's this guy at the gym I work at, and it's become very clear to me that he's trying to subtly press for something and I'm just not interested.

As a member of staff I'm required to treat members in a polite and caring manner, as any member of staff of any company would normally be expected to. I like to have a bit of a joke and a laugh with members, have a chat, smile and ask how they're doing. We're encouraged to do this, but also retain some essence of formality because, well, we are staff and we're the face of a company. However, I think one gym member who is a regular, has interpreted my acts of politeness and friendliness to be something more than it actually is.

At first I'd approach him and have a chat with him sometimes, like I would any other member. After a while he would approach me and do the same, like other members also have.... but now it's actually quite clear he's doing it for other reasons.

A few weeks ago he complimented me saying, 'You look nice with your hair up'. I brushed it aside and carried on talking about something else. Then a week or two later, he shouted me over and said that our clock is fixed. I was a bit confused because I didn't realise but played along. The clock was quite a distance away, and after a certain distance, I can't see well (I have glasses to help but I never wear them, plus they're meant for the computer anyway). He encouraged me to stand where he was (which meant coming extremely close next to him) and look at the clock. I told my friend and my mum about what happened. My friend said that he's being very inappropriate, and my mum pretty much gave the biggest scrunchy face ever because it was obvious he was angling for something more.

I've tried to keep my distance from him since. However, sometimes, I'm there a few hours before my shift to get my exercise sessions in, and he happens to be there. My headphones are on playing music really loud to drown out the world, but this doesn't deter him. We have a deadlifting platform just a few metres from the gym entrance, and I saw him enter through the corner of my eye as I was using it. I purposely paced in a different direction, and every time I saw him in my peripheral vision, I paced in a different direction during my rest period. He approaches me, and all I hear through my music is, 'Sarah!'. He shouted for my attention that loud I could hear him through my loud music.

That wasn't the first time either. I was on a rest period during another exercise, and it was as if he purposely waited for me to be on a rest period, knowing that there was a cleaning stand next to the machine I was using. He approached to use the cleaning stand, and saw I was on a rest period, so took the opportunity to get my attention, again when my headphones were on.

Last week whilst I was exercising on the deadlifting platform again, I saw him in the distance but ignored him. As soon as I started dismantling the barbell to move on and do something else, he approaches me and works hard to get my attention. I wasn't in the mood because I just wanted to be left alone, so gave him less than 2 minutes of my time and walked off to get something to clean the equipment with.

Yesterday whilst I was on shift, I had to check the men's changing rooms to ensure everything was in order. I knocked on the door and asked if I could come in. One guy let me know it wasn't ok yet. I waited 10 minutes and came back, knocked on the door and asked if I could come in. Of course by this point... the other guy was in there and said, 'Not unless you want to see me naked Sarah'. I barely responded and said, 'Well...uh..' and made a swift exit. I realised me saying that at this point would have made him think that I 'wanted' to see him naked (which I really, really don't) I decided to replenish some of the equipment stand stock to ensure everything was topped up. He approached me and made a remark saying, 'You almost saw an eye full in there'. At this point I can safely say that his comments were inappropriate, but it's very clear to me that he's angling for something with me.

2 weeks ago I spoke to my manager about him. She asked if I was interested in him. I said that I like him, but I don't like like him. I'm not interested in him that way, or anybody else at the gym, and that I come there to work and that's it. Though she did say that although the gym is where people meet one another, if I'm not interested, it's ok to let him know. I have yet to discuss with her what happened last week, and of what happened yesterday.

When I spoke to my mum last night about what happened yesterday, she said that I 'must be doing something'... but I haven't. Even yesterday all I did was ask if I could enter the male changing rooms to do the changing room checks. How is that an invitation for anything?

I'm at the point where I need to reinforce to him that I have no interest in him. I'm just there to work. However, he is a genuinely nice guy, and I don't want to make things awkward. I think I may just need to drop subtle but not so subtle hints the next time he makes remarks like that, such as, 'That's always appropriate to say to staff'.. or something similar. I don't know.

If things continue, I can only assume that I may have to be much firmer with him and stop beating things around the bush for the sake of avoiding awkwardness and so on.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation? What ways can you think that may help to get him to realise I'm just being friendly and I'm not interested? Or should I just try and find a way to outright tell him and just deal with the fact things will be awkward?

Honestly, I am all for being direct with him and telling him you aren't interested in him in that way. However, I understand it's tricky because you work there and because you genuinely like him, just not in the way he seems to like you. I get that it seems easier to just spare feelings. I think your boss is right, though; you should let him know you aren't into him, especially because his advances seem to be escalating.

If you're hesitant to be direct you could try to continue hinting that you are only there in a professional capacity, but that may not work, especially given his recent behavior. If you do choose to be direct I would say something like, "hey, I feel like you are flirting with me and while I am flattered (only say that if it's true, though), I am just not interested in being more than friends. I like you, but all I am open to is friendship. I realize this is hard and I hope you can understand and we remain friends." This way you are direct (saying "friends" multiple times) but you spare his feelings someone.

Good luck, and feel free to PM me if you need anything. I'm here for you.

[Rivière]

Thank you for what you said. You are right about his advances. In fact, yesterday before my shift I was getting in some exercise and I'd seen him through the mirror across the room. Thankfully I was almost done and then went upstairs to do some cardio. A few minutes later I saw him in my peripheral vision. He also came upstairs and went to the men's changing room. I thought maybe he'd finished his workout and was getting ready to leave, but then moments later he came back out and I caught him looking at me, as if to see if I was looking back at him, except I wasn't. I went off to shower 5 minutes later, and took a really, really long time. I even slowly dressed myself, had food in the staff room, and thought, 'He must have gone by now'.

I went and sat by some benches downstairs near the entrance. I had my glasses with me which is a rare thing. Annnd then he walks all the way over to talk to me. He said something to me but I didn't quite catch it, so I let out some awkward kind of laugh (I sometimes do that when I have no clue what somebody said and feel too awkward to ask them to keep repeating) and then he said something else, so I made my awkward laugh again. Suddenly he made a swift exit... and then I realised what he'd said to me, 'You look nice with your glasses on' and then, 'Probably shouldn't say that to a PT but well...' and that was when he left.

I feel like my awkward laugh was at an appropriate tone and way that he realised that what he's saying is a bit inappropriate and that's why he said that he probably shouldn't be saying such things to a member of staff. When I spoke to my mum, she felt quite similar.

Given that my manager is currently working the morning shifts, and I come in towards the afternoon/evenings, I doubt I'd be able to discuss the situation further with her in-person, unless I push to go to work earlier. However, I do feel that after yesterday, I am going to try and make a larger effort to put forward that I'm not interested in him as anything more than a friend, because I'm really not.

I mean honestly his behavior sounds borderline creepy at this point, but I don't know him and I know you say you like him okay, so obviously it's your call on how you feel about it. But I'll just say waiting around that long and going out of one's way to talk to a person is kind of uncomfortable at the very least. It seems this is escalating and I Hope you are able to deal with it in a way that leaves you feeling like you maintained good boundaries soon.

[Mallika]

Hi Sarah,

Thank you for reaching out.

From a third-person's point of view, this gym guy is really creepy. I think at this point, he isn't even trying to be subtle (especially the remark he made about seeing him naked). And he is very clearly flirting in an inappropriate manner with you.

I agree with Eli, your mum and you manager about being frank with him. It is wholly possible to tell someone exactly how you feel about them while being polite at the same time.

There are occasions in life where we might have to reject the advances of our friends, colleagues or in your case, customers at a workplace; yes we do run the risk of making things awkward, but it is important to also set some clear boundaries when it comes to our feelings. He has made you feel really uncomfortable and is not quite getting the hint that you don't feel the same way about it, so perhaps it is time to make it clear.

Recently a big issue happened in my university whereby a female professor was constantly harassed by a colleague, a much older male professor. He repeatedly asked her out on dates though she rejected him several times, constantly pried on her whereabouts, stalked her even when she was travelling with friends to another part of the country and made her dread coming to campus. This happened for two years until she exposed him very recently. The underlying message is this - such behaviour should never be tolerated. It makes you uncomfortable, it makes you wary and can even make you dread coming to the workplace.

While this gym guy may not be malicious, his behaviour is certainly not acceptable towards a woman who is not returning his advances. Eli has given a really nice template for what you could say to him politely yet firmly.

If his behaviour persists, your manager might have to talk to him.

Take care, and I really hope this situation gets better for you

[Rivière]

If he makes any remarks next time (and I actually manage to hear him properly) I'll pass a comment to him on his appropriateness. I suppose I was just trying to avoid awkwardness that the situation would bring.

I was going to discuss the latest events with my manager yesterday as she was in, but we ended up talking about something else and she was called to the front door.