Triggering: Residential or school?

This has been an incredibly difficult year for me. I took the spring semester off in order to heal from surgery on my ankle, which turned out to be the right choice because I got very sick anyway AND have had to deal non-stop with mental health issues. I've been hospitalized for a suicide attempt and self harm three times and in PHP or IOP the rest of the time. During this time my family has come completely unraveled and my personal life is a mess. So yeah, it's been a stressful year.

My family and I have decided how we're going to move forward in our split. My ex and I are getting an apartment together, at least for a little while, and her other ex will be keeping the house. We put in an application for an apartment today and look to be moving in early August. My ex and I are both incredibly stressed out, anxious, and terribly depressed, but we're trying. I've tried to start spending time with friends and meeting new people and things are looking up a little.

During April and May I dealt heavily with self harm, having multiple surgeries and medical hospitalizations to deal with the wounds. I did well for a while but last week I self-harmed again and I'm having trouble with motivation to take care of the wound. It makes me think I'm maybe not doing as well as I think I am.

When I showed the wound to my doctor last week I told her I might go to residential and I meant it. I once went to a really nice place and I would be willing to go back there. The thing is, I don't know whether or not residential is the best choice. Multiple people in the last few months have told me I've made myself a permanent patient by centering my life on therapy so much and that they want more for me, and they're right. For this reason I am tempted to say no to residential and go back to school. Instead of focusing all my life's mastery on therapy I could actually make some progress towards my long-term future and might start feeling better about myself.

So I don't know what to do. I don't know what option would bring me the best outcome. School is certainly less expensive than residential, but that doesn't mean it's what's best. Any thoughts?

Hi Jordan! I think you are doing the right thing by reaching out to us on here, I can tell how much you value the website and the input from its users, even if it isn't as active as it once was. I am always following your blogs and I want you to know what an amazing job you are doing. Sure, you've let people down (including myself) but that doesn't mean you can't dwell on the failures. Like you just mentioned, others have told you you pretty much made a life out of mental health treatments.

It's really up to you in the end and you need to decide what is best for yourself. I know you want us to answer the question for you, and I'd love to push you through one of those doors; but it is you who has to decide. I wish you all the best with your decision and now present you with the scenario if I were in your place.

For me, residential nor school would be the best choice. But neither are bad choices either. Residential means you will get the help and treatment you need; but here's the thing: Do you really need residential. I don't understand inpatient so I don't know. But I imagine it's nurses and doctors doing routine checks, there are "classes" at given times however often per week for as long as you are there; you are on a strict medicine schedule. So, do you think you really need that? When were you last inpatient residential? Think of the time that has passed since then, and don't look at the past three or four months. For me, I would say no to residential.

School... Well, I've given up on the prospect of ever returning to school but let me place myself in your shoes. I can understand why you had to drop your education to focus on your mental health and wellbeing, and everything you were dealing with over the past few months; so dropping your classes definitely seemed like the appropriate thing to do. I'm glad you are pushing yourself towards an education; but that shouldn't be the end all. Ask yourself if you are doing it for the right or wrong reasons, in addition to it being cheaper. Are you doing it for yourself or for others?

Again, speaking on myself personally: I would focus on volunteering. Try to make a change in small steps, focus on having a positive effect and presence amongst others or by doing the little things. It can be writing a blog (believe me when I say you are an amazing writer, and I'm the pickiest of the pickiest!) or going to the animal shelther to keep them company. Whatever, as long as it gets you out of the house, but you don't have the obligation of residential or classes pressing down on you.

Again, my opinions on what I would do if I were in Jordan's shoes.

In the end, it is your choice. I will support you no matter what. You know that.

Hi, Jordan,

I'm so sorry that this has been such a difficult year!

Like Jen said, I don't think we can answer the question for you. But the main question, at least to me, is whether you can keep yourself safe. Would you be safe going back to school? How have your suicidal and self-injurious thoughts been recently? I know you've said that you're having difficulty caring for your most recent wound - what did your doctor say? I'd just be concerned about a possible infection.

Remember that the two aren't necessarily mutually exclusive (unless there are financial concerns, of course); it's possible that you could go to residential and then to school, or go to school and then go to residential if you needed to. If you think going to residential first would help prepare you to go to school later, then maybe that's the best choice right now. On the other hand, if you want to see how school goes and then go to residential if you really need it, that's also an option!

Going to school and finding meaning in your life can definitely help turn your situation around. In fact, I've had this experience myself!! My life has improved SO much in recent years thanks to the experiences I've had in school. But if you're not stable, you might not get as much out of school as you're hoping to get, which is something to consider; you want to be able to go and be healthy enough to apply yourself and seek out these life-changing experiences.

I hope this makes sense! Let us know what you end up deciding!

All the best,
Kylie