Triggering (Substances): College makes me want to die

[Tigereyes]

It's my senior year of college, but I still have another year left after this semester finally ends. I've been miserable every semester, and each semester seems to get worse. I haven't made friends here. I rarely had suicidal thoughts before college, but they've become a regular part of my day since freshmen year of college. I've had several near-attempts in college. All I can think about is that I should drop out or die, but it's too late to drop out (I've made it too far, and I'm in too much debt to have a chance of paying it off without a degree) and people need me to stay alive. They also expect me to not get fucked up on whatever possible in attempt to cope and escape the pain. So I just don't cope, and I feel on the edge of relapse. I've driven away nearly all my friends from high school, I'm not close to my family, and I keep hurting the couple people who still care about me. I keep hurting them, and I don't want to keep doing that, but again, suicide seems like the only out to that, but that would also cause them more pain.

So basically I'm only staying alive because other people need me. And if they leave, I might just end it, because I'm so tired of constantly feeling this way. I can't stay in school, stay alive, AND stay clean from everything. I can't keep doing all of those things. I can't take a semester off, even though I desperately need to. I hate college. Somehow I'm doing well--better than ever before, even though I'm in a worse mental state than I've ever been.

I don't know what to do. I'm not really expecting advice, mostly just need to rant I guess, and I feel like I've been doing everything I reasonably can, but it's just not enough. I even got myself to go to counseling and join the campus recovery group and go to AA meetings (problems with various addictions) and am trying to work a 16-step program. But I still feel like shit, and I don't see any progress, so I keep wondering why I'm trying. Except that other people need me, so I need to stay alive.

[Green Yoshi]

Hello!

I do think that its good to rant. But I think that part of the reason why you sorta have a lot of problems is because you kinda put too much pressure on yourself, and you might also have thought about things very negatively.. which is why you might try to drive people away so that you can't hurt them.. but the truth is you are a blessing. Don't deprive your friends of the blessing known as Tigereyes in real life I think that right now your main concern should be your psychological state. You don't have much to look forward to right now, which is a real problem because it makes you feel as if there's no way out. But if you make every day a blessing from now on, it could help.

I also think that you're really actually keeping your pain to yourself in order to not burden other people, and that in itself is part of the problem. But part of you is worried about how other people will react when they get to know this more pained side of yours , and that is preventing you from truly opening up to people about this.

Tell those you know and trust.. they will truly understand you. Maybe telling your family about this will help. But don't let them know all about it in one go..there's a chance that it might overwhelm them. But I would prefer it if you tell them the complete story because it'll feel like a huge burden is lifted off your shoulders, and that by itself may already be half the emotional battle.

Try not to think too much about the debt..if you are responsible and know what to do, that is something that will resolve itself in time. Perhaps your family can help you out in that regard but that is a situation with a dynamic of its own depending on how supportive your family is.

Hold on to hope... trust and believe that there's a future. Because there is one for you.

Much kindness and warmth,
Darren