Triggering (Abuse): He goes to my college now

[The Darkness]

This past wednesday I was walking from the bus stop to my class on my college campus and when I was walking and looking around I saw my abusive ex sitting at a bench. I know he saw me too because while I was walking and staring at him in disbelief he looked in every direction but mines. When I saw him a wave of fear washed over me and I kept walking but all I could feel is fear and all I could think of is how he might get close to me or try talking to me or something, I don't know. I've been having fits of crying on and off since wednesday and I didn't go to any of my classes on thursday because I was really depressed and anxious and afraid of even stepping outside my house. I eventually did go outside because I had to grab some fast food since I didn't have anything at home, and today I went to therapy and the grocery store but that was fine because it wasn't on campus. I'm just afraid to step back on campus again on Monday in case I see him again. I know he won't do me any harm but the irrational (I guess) fear is still there that he might do something or get close to me or pass by me again or something. My therapist said I should get a restraining order against him but I'm afraid there wouldn't be a case for it because the abuse was emotional and sexual and it happened about a year and a half ago so I don't know if there would be a case for it and then at the same time I wouldn't want my mom to find out because I have the fear/idea that if I send that out to his address (I think he still lives with his parents) then his parents will contact either me or my mom and say about it. I'm just overall afraid and I want to do something but it's just not severe enough I feel because even though the sexual assault was an assault (and he admitted to it too, I have proof) I don't think it's super justifiable in court because it was coercion and not explicit non-consent. I don't know much about laws but I fear it may not cover much in court anyways. I don't know what to do because I have to go to class everyday and be on campus and everything but I'm so afraid of bumping into him and seeing him. Just seeing him made me super afraid and I don't get why I just did. What can I do? It's not like I can avoid places he'd be because I don't know where he would be, and I'm scared to do any legal action both because I'm afraid of the retaliation that might happen, and that I won't win the case because it's not substantial enough. Also, the general legal fees and stress I would have to go through with the legal process. My campus is small, like I have one previous boyfriend (who wasn't abusive we just don't talk anymore) who goes here and I see him often and we aren't similar majors or anything. I don't know what to do, can anyone lend advice?

I'm sorry you have to face your abuser on campus now. Does your mother know about the abuse, have you told her? If you haven't, I think it's important you do and ask her for her thoughts. It doesn't matter whether or not you explicitly said no or showed resistance when it was happening, it was coercion and you were uncomfortable. That makes it assault. It's important to understand that your emotional and mental thoughts come into play, not just physical and verbal, when an assault is happening.

Maybe you can walk to and from classes with a friend for now, until you figure things out? Do you have any friends going to the same school, or even the same classes as you? Even a friendly acquaintance might be helpful, but then there's the uncomfortable thought of having to get into elaborate details when they ask you why you want them to walk with you to and from class all of a sudden.

You said you already spoke to your therapist about it, so perhaps you can ask them to assist you? I know it can get ridiculously expensive to have to go through the legal proceedings and then it'd all be a waste if the courts reject your request. But it's certainly worth a try!

-JNM

[The Darkness]

Originally Posted by Fernweh.

I'm sorry you have to face your abuser on campus now. Does your mother know about the abuse, have you told her? If you haven't, I think it's important you do and ask her for her thoughts. It doesn't matter whether or not you explicitly said no or showed resistance when it was happening, it was coercion and you were uncomfortable. That makes it assault. It's important to understand that your emotional and mental thoughts come into play, not just physical and verbal, when an assault is happening.

Maybe you can walk to and from classes with a friend for now, until you figure things out? Do you have any friends going to the same school, or even the same classes as you? Even a friendly acquaintance might be helpful, but then there's the uncomfortable thought of having to get into elaborate details when they ask you why you want them to walk with you to and from class all of a sudden.

You said you already spoke to your therapist about it, so perhaps you can ask them to assist you? I know it can get ridiculously expensive to have to go through the legal proceedings and then it'd all be a waste if the courts reject your request. But it's certainly worth a try!

-JNM

My mom knows about the abuse but not to detail. She's a victim blamer type of thing that even when I told her the bare minimum she kinda asked questions that sounded like she was blaming me for the abuse so I'd rather her not know the exact details.
I have friends here but none of them go to my classes. I have some acquaintances in my class, but they come at different times to class from different directions so it would be hard to get a time or chance to catch one of them as we head to class, but I can look at a chance that I can walk with someone after class. But yeah, I wouldn't want to disclose all that info to someone I barely know.
I would go along with the legal processing but I'm really scared in general. If I was any braver I would, but I'm too scared to go along with it even though I really want to do it. It's just the social repercussions that happen to both feminine presenting people and queer gender non conforming individuals when they go through some legal process of DV is ugly and I really don't want to go through that. Like people have said, they have nothing to gain and everything to lose when reporting abuse.

[Abbidabbidoo]

I am so sorry you are having to go through this and face this person who abused you. My advise to you if you feel that going to your Mom is not the answer than go to a College School Counselor Adviser and explain the situation to them and the fear you have. Get the advice from them as to what they think you should do as they may have even had a similar experience in the past on campus. Good Luck and another thing if at all possible when walking to class or getting something to eat always walk with a friend and never alone.

[hocus pocus]

It's understandable that you wouldn't want your mom to know the details, or to share them with people form your classes as you don't know them well. Do you feel afraid to walk alone? What if you kept a safe object in your hands while you're walking to your classes? It could be a worry stone, a bracelet, or anything that helps you feel grounded. You could also take some deep breaths and use mindfulness while you're walking around campus.

Regardless of whether or not you go through with legal proceedings, talking to someone at your school about this situation might be a good idea. Perhaps someone at your school or your therapist could have tips on how to cope.

Seeing an abuser is very difficult so do take care of yourself and know that it's okay to feel what you're feeling. Try not to judge yourself or be too hard on yourself.

[The Darkness]

Originally Posted by Cassado

It's understandable that you wouldn't want your mom to know the details, or to share them with people form your classes as you don't know them well. Do you feel afraid to walk alone? What if you kept a safe object in your hands while you're walking to your classes? It could be a worry stone, a bracelet, or anything that helps you feel grounded. You could also take some deep breaths and use mindfulness while you're walking around campus.

Regardless of whether or not you go through with legal proceedings, talking to someone at your school about this situation might be a good idea. Perhaps someone at your school or your therapist could have tips on how to cope.

Seeing an abuser is very difficult so do take care of yourself and know that it's okay to feel what you're feeling. Try not to judge yourself or be too hard on yourself.

There's a resource on my campus called A Safe Place where someone can go and get counselling and everything from being abused. I might go to it on monday or something, but I already have a therapist who I see weekly so I'm not sure how different it would be. On the website it says they can help me file legal things like police reports and restraining orders, and I was looking at the restraining order information page for my state and it's simple enough to get and it's free. I just have so many conflicting emotions about doing legal things about this that I'm really not sure.

I think it would be a good idea to go to their office on Monday, and be prepared with any questions you might have.

Originally Posted by The Darkness

There's a resource on my campus called A Safe Place where someone can go and get counselling and everything from being abused. I might go to it on monday or something, but I already have a therapist who I see weekly so I'm not sure how different it would be. On the website it says they can help me file legal things like police reports and restraining orders, and I was looking at the restraining order information page for my state and it's simple enough to get and it's free. I just have so many conflicting emotions about doing legal things about this that I'm really not sure.

I would definitely suggest that you go to the resource center and see what your options might be regarding a restraining order. I know things like that can get confusing depending on a number of factors so talking to someone that has knowledge regarding the process could be beneficial.

This is definitely a difficult thing to be dealing with. I think the resource center would also be a good idea because they could provide you with counseling and they might be able to make suggestions on how to handle the situation.

I wish I had more to add but a lot of what I would have said was covered. Hang in there. I know how hard it is to have to see the person that harmed you but you are strong and you can get through this!

If you ever need to talk feel free to message me as well.

[The Darkness]

I went to the resource center today and they made me fill out a 50 question application saying someone will contact me soon. I wish I could have just dropped in and spoke with someone then because I still have a lot on my mind about it. I walked the same path I took from the bus stop to class today again but didn't see him at all, but I was still super scared and on edge and walked faster than I usually do, causing me to be out of breath by the time I got to class and currently it's a bad air quality day here so it was really bad. I'm really frustrated over how I had to fill out so many questions, it was 2 double sided pages of questions about every little detail about me from my sexuality to military status to how many kids I have?? I get these questions are to gauge if I'm really in need or not but still, I found it frivolous to have all these things that didn't pertain to what I need them for. In any case, I'm gonna have to wait for a call from them, and hopefully they contact me soon because even though I'm going to therapy I really need someone who's close to the school to know about this and help me out somehow.

[hocus pocus]

Even though it was a bit frustrating it is good that you went in. It's unfortunate that you couldn't just drop in and speak with someone but hopefully someone will give you a call soon. Let us know when someone calls you!

[Hanna Banana]

I am so sorry you had to go through so much "Red Tape" to just get a call from someone that could possible help you. That seems very frustrating. If I were you in the mean time I would walk around with Pepper Spray on hand at all times just in case. This is not to scare you but just to keep you protected.

[The Darkness]

It's been a week since I called them and they haven't called back. I'm losing hope that they'll ever call and I don't know what to do. I've been missing class and been struggling so much. I also told my mom about what happened and she said to not worry about it since I haven't seen him since. She thinks he was just here for a day and is not there anymore but I don't think so. That being up in the air is causing me so much stress and it's so messed up that this on campus resource is leaving me like this that it's like what the heck. I don't know what to do. I intern at a DV shelter, and I fear if I ask for support or resources they'll terminate my internship because I won't be able to do the right work. I haven't been able to do the right work, I've been messing up so much at my internship since this happened. I don't know what to do.

[hocus pocus]

Can you call them back again? Maybe you can call them back a few times so they’re aware you’re waiting for a response. Perhaps something went wrong and it prevented them from getting back to you.

Even if he was only there that one time it would still be understandably difficult because of how hard it is to see your abuser. It is good that you haven’t seen him since then but it is also healthy that you are preparing yourself for the fact that you could run into him again.

Maybe you could talk to someone about your internship and let them know you’re going through a rough time and then ask for resources? Or, alternatively, you can ask for resources for a ‘friend’ and see what they’d give you.

[The Darkness]

I saw him again, just now while walking to class again. I want to call again today, but this would be the 3rd time I call. They've told me before that the counselor on site is with a client and can't be told of my urgency yet but they would take note and let them know and STILL no call. I'm afraid if I keep calling they'll call me troublesome and make it so I'm less likely to receive help from them. I'm considering calling another DV service I used to volunteer at but I'm afraid to do that too. It's like I feel like if I ask for help then they'll know that my situation isn't over and they will think I can't do my job and I need this internship to graduate. If I ask for resources for a "friend" they would tell me to ask the friend to call them to talk to them because that's what I do at the internship when someone calls asking for resources for a friend.
The anxiety is getting to me I feel so stuck

[hocus pocus]

Your fear about calling too much and the being less likely to recive help from them is definitely understandable. You went in person recently, right? Could you try that again? If you’re there in person they might be less likely to put you on the back burner, even if the counselor is with another client at the time.

Is there another resource on your campus that might offer some more support in the meantime? Perhaps a general counseling center? You might be able to talk to someone else in the meantime to help reduce your anxiety.

It’s unfortunate that you can’t ask for resources for a friend. If you do look for resources there, however, maybe they won’t think it’ll impact your job. After all, those resources are available to people who need it and utilizing them and looking after yourself will only help you be better able to do your job. Putting yourself first is a positive thing and hopefully they’ll see that.

[The Darkness]

I should go in person, but the last time I went in person it was closed and I had to go to the counselling center and that's where they gave my application to the safe place counselor (supposedly). I don't trust the counselling center anyways so I was wary to be there because I went there my first year and a counselor told me I would die alone. But I'll see if they're open tomorrow and go in there and see if they'll see me sooner.
I was talking to my therapist about wanting to take resources and she confirmed for a fact that I can't ask or use resources from the places I've worked at because it's against the rules.

[The Darkness]

Went in person today, had to leave a message again to let them know that I'm still waiting for their call and right now at 7pm they FINALLY call me back and now I'm gonna see them tuesday but gosh I can't even calm down. I'm feeling angry that it took them 2 good weeks to get back to me, and I'm also scared to what will happen soon in that appointment. The counselor asked me if it was an emergency and I didn't know what to tell her because I feel it is but idk if they would consider it an emergency. She wanted me to wait all the way until november but I pushed for an appointment in the next week and luckily she had space on tuesday so I'm just scared and afraid and idk.

[hocus pocus]

It must be a relief that they finally called back but feeling angry is definitely understandable. Waiting for two weeks for something like this must have been very difficult.

Do keep us updated about how the appointment goes if you'd like. I will be thinking of you.

[The Darkness]

So I had my appointment last week and the counselor looked over my case and determined that a restraining order done by the city wouldn't be good for my case because he has to be actively trying to contact me, which he's not. She gave me a few options, which is having a stay away order given by the university so he can't even walk past my same direction on campus, and the Title IX investigation which is a full investigation that shows if he violated anything in the student handbook (which he did since the abuse happened when we were on campus) but she's gonna meet with me again and give me more information. Since I don't know if he for sure is a student here or not, she's investigating that for me as well, because I'm pretty sure he is (why else would he be here) but the counselor said sometimes people wander onto campus just because. So I'll find out next time if he's a student here again and if anything can be done to get him investigated under title ix so I feel better with that.

[hocus pocus]

It is good that you saw her and you’ve been given different options to look over. Perhaps you could also get an order for him to stay away from you on campus as well as tha title investigation. Feel free to let us know how the next meeting with her goes.

Thinking of you.