Triggering (Suicide): Bad Start to First Week of College

[FallonRose]

My mental health has significantly deteriorated over the last month over moving in to the dorm, to the point that I was crying every day until the day I moved. I've had a really hard time adjusting and my anxiety has prevented me from really reaching out to do anything on campus or try to make any friends so I'm feeling very isolated right now and struggling to really exist at this point. Since we moved in on Saturday, it gave me a couple of days to get settled in and I was just starting to feel somewhat positive and then classes started today. I was able to find my first class pretty easy (besides the fact that the building that it's in has no AC and it was very humid and hot today) but then the professor didn't let us out until 2 minutes before I had to be to my next class. When I got into the building that my schedule said it was in, I realized that was the gym and physical education building so I started freaking out. They put the wrong building on my schedule. Someone in that building sent me to another building which ended up being the wrong building again and then someone there sent me to the right building but at that point I was 20 minutes late for my class. Then I was in a full fledged panic attack so not only did I make a fool of myself but I missed the first class of algebra so I feel like complete and utter shit. After I made it back to my dorm, I was just coming down from the panic attack and then the suicidal thoughts starting coming to me again. I haven't had a relapse of any kind in over a year and a half so I feel even more like shit because of these constant thoughts again (this didn't start again until a month ago). I finally got the courage to go see the counselor since I couldn't get ahold of my therapist and after about an hour of talking we made an agreement for me to check in with her once a day and to forego my first day back to work so I can make my appointment with my therapist. I guess what I'm trying to say here is that I really want to move back home considering I did not want to move in to the dorms in the first place and the sequences of events so far have not been in my favor and my mental health is suffering because of it. Unfortunately my grandma is pretty much forcing me to be here even though I've expressed to her how I've felt about it and I'm feeling pretty hopeless and worthless. I'm willing to stick out the rest of this week to see if things get any better but I can't really stop crying or stop the thoughts and the anxiety level is pretty unreal.
Sorry if this is all over the place, I'm just not sure how to best word this situation but any words of encouragement or ideas would be appreciated.

[Eternal]

I missed the first day of all of my classes, two quarters in a row my first year of college. My very first day, I got my M/W/F and T/Th schedule mixed up. The second quarter, I got the stomach flu the night before the first day of classes. I had a history class that was two hours, and couldn't find the room so I ended up missing the whole first week.

It will be okay! If any classes you miss are small, I do recommend emailing the professor so that you keep your spot. If it's a big class, they won't even notice and it really isn't a big deal. Adjusting to college is probably going to be one of the most difficult things you've had to do, and it can be especially tough if you've got anxiety. I did as well, and I made it through. College is a huge adventure, and I promise that you'll feel better in a few more weeks. I can also promise you that most other new students are feeling pretty similar to how you are right now as well. Don't stress if you're not out being a social butterfly, just focus on adjusting and feeling better. You'll have plenty of time to make friends. In fact, I didn't end up making good friends until my third year of college! I don't think there's much I can say that will provide any immediate relief, but if you hang in there it will start to feel like home. My best piece of advice is to look for any clubs you may like to join. That's a great way to get incorporated into student life on campus.

It's very rare that professors will do much if you miss or are late the first few weeks of class. At my city college the professors would sometimes wait a while to start taking role because parking is crazy and people tend to be late. The first week, most professors will be understanding. I would suggest messaging the math teacher and explaining the situation. I have missed the first day once or twice and the professors have been cool. I have only had one teacher who was not understanding even though me missing was out of my control (I locked my keys in the car). Honestly most teachers will not hold the first day against you. Most teachers won't even start giving out add slips until the second day of class and some hold off until the second week. So, if you message the math teacher and explain everything to them it is likely that they will be cool about it.

I agree that you should consider joining clubs once you get settled. It might be scary to do but it will likely help you meet people. I think that most campuses will have some type of club day so the students can see what clubs the campus has to offer.

Best of luck and try not to stress. I promise that a lot of people miss the first day of class or are late the first day of class. Even students who have been on campus for a year or so can have trouble finding the right classroom.

[FallonRose]

Is being involved in student life really a must though? They keep shoving it in my face and I mean, I can't even really go to the cafeteria without having an anxiety attack so to purposely throw myself into interaction with other students in a club or whatever doesn't sound like a good idea to me.

It isn't a must but it is definitely one of the best ways to meet people. Depending on your major...it is unlikely that you will have classes with a lot of the same people. I was a psych major for quite some time and since that is a really popular degree there are more psychology classes which means that you don't have class with the same people too often. I know when a person goes to a four year university this changes a bit. My brother said when he transferred to a four year university he ended up having classes with a lot of the same teachers and students. He also majored in something that was pretty popular.

That being said, if you are majoring in something that isn't as popular and only has a small selection of classes each semester you are more likely to share classes with the same people which can lead to making acquaintances. My boyfriend is majoring in computer networking so most his core computer classes are only offered one time per semester (This semester one of his core classes was only offered on Thursdays at 6:30pm). So, due to the limited availability of classes he has had classes with a lot of the same people. This has been good for him because he isn't big on clubs or anything.

Also, if you aren't feeling up to clubs right now that is perfectly fine. It is possible that once you adjust to campus and get a tad bit more comfortable you will start feeling a tad bit more open to the idea of joining a club.