life changing decisions related to college and moving

[Jess~]

so i'm currently in my senior year of high school, so of course everyone everywhere is cramming college and majors and real life and the future down my throat at any chance they get. ugh.

meanwhile, i'm far from ready to grow up and take on so many responsibilities at once.
i know people who have had their entire college, learning path, and career planned out since fucking sophomore year, and here i am not really understanding how the hell college even works.

i've done very little research on colleges, though i have found a couple that i like. but it's more just that i like the city they're in or the location of how far from home they are. (i want to be far enough from my family so that i don't need to see them all the time, but so that i can still come back if necessary.) those are all in-state schools.


however... there's another side to the story.
i've kind of been trying to look at out of state schools as well, maybe even more so. specifically schools located near the east coast (i'm the west).
now, i do have a few family members out in ohio. so it wouldn't be entirely random for me to suddenly want to go to a school out there.
but the real reason i'm looking all the way out there is because i have pretty serious feelings for a guy i met online.
yeah.
think of that what you will.

we've been talking for just over a year now, but i didn't have feelings until the first time we video chatted. i know he's real, he's who he says he is physically.. of course, i can't be sure how he really feels about me, or if he even cares about me specifically over other girls he might talk to.
however, i have a pretty good feeling about the emotional aspect of him, based off of how i know he is.
he's a bluntly and brutally honest person. he's not afraid to tell people the hurtful truth right to their face. at all.
trust me, over the time we've been talking, back when we weren't super close but were at the point where we were friends, he said he liked me as a friend but wasn't worried about me in terms of his life. he said all he was worried about for now was money, that's all he cared about getting, for the time being.

but as we've gotten closer, he's opened up a lot to me. and told me stuff about his awful past relationship, and why he has trust issues.
he talked about what he wanted in a girlfriend and how he would treat her and his deep future plans (like kids and marriage stuff -- stuff that most guys i know would die laughing about).
and when he was talking about wanting a girlfriend, he said the only girl he'd really want to date right now would be me.
he described how he'd treat me and all the things he'd do for me if i was with him.
and he's definitely not just some fuckboy. this is a guy who takes hella time to open up. so when he finally does open up, i really doubt that he'd lie about it.
he recently even told me he loved me, but i don't know. i think he meant it but was ready to treat it like just a joke if i reacted badly. because he didn't say he didn't mean it, or that he was just kidding.


i think i actually have fallen in love with him. and i absolutely hate it. trust me, i really didn't want to catch feelings for anyone, but especially not anyone in the situation he's in, with being so far from me. i didn't even realize i had fallen in love, because it happened so slowly and gradually, and took time, and wasn't based on looks.. it happened as we got closer to each other, emotionally. and i think that's the way it's supposed to happen, honestly.
whatever it is, it's definitely the most i've ever felt for someone.

but i don't want to just leave my life here either, to go to college across the country for some guy i've never met in real life.

i mean, as much as we connect and click online, what if it's completely different in real life? (although our video chats and phone calls are anything but awkward. our personalities mesh really well together, because we're so similar.)


i really, really want to have the life he's talked about having with me. i want to take a chance on him, i really do. but i don't know if it's worth risking my college life/experience either. i mean, i'll hopefully make friends. and i won't want to stay so far from my family forever, so i'd probably either move back or closer back. which would leave me torn from everyone pretty much.
and since i don't know for sure what it would be like if we met, i don't know if i want to make a decision that would distance me from everyone except for him..


BUT... i'm terrified of staying here as well. if he gets a girlfriend, which he is fully capable of (though he's not interested in anyone he knows, for anything more than sex), i honestly don't know what i'd do. he would probably have to stop talking to me, at least, of course not the way we talk now. he's kind of the only thing that makes me life happier, nowadays. i am happier because of him. even my friends can see it. they say i'm a much nicer person these days.

i just don't know what the right thing to do would be.
do i leave my family, friends, and everything i've ever known for a chance with my dream guy?

[Kate*]

Okay, I can see you're torn about the relationship situation, so I'm going to recommend that you not move across the country to be with him. Like you said, there's a chance it won't work and then you'd be stuck out here with very few people other than him. At least visit him a few times before you make a decision that big based on a guy.

If you have no idea what you want to do, you don't have to go to college at all right now. It's true that the longer you wait the harder it will be, but if you don't have a plan yet, it doesn't make much sense to go now either. You could go to get the basic stuff out of the way and/or get a job for now then decide after a year or so what you want to do. I know high school (and the rest of the world) pressures you to have it all figured out, but you absolutely don't have to. I had my life planned at 12 and then disaster struck. There are people who ended up doing things completely different than they planned or have degrees in because things change and life happens and you'll have to come up with a new plan.

Relationships are't my forte, but I've been to community college, private 4-year undergrad, and a public university for graduate school, and I've graduated and failed miserably so if you want to know anything about any of the educational stuff you can ask me.

[Jess~]

Originally Posted by Kate*

Okay, I can see you're torn about the relationship situation, so I'm going to recommend that you not move across the country to be with him. Like you said, there's a chance it won't work and then you'd be stuck out here with very few people other than him. At least visit him a few times before you make a decision that big based on a guy.

If you have no idea what you want to do, you don't have to go to college at all right now. It's true that the longer you wait the harder it will be, but if you don't have a plan yet, it doesn't make much sense to go now either. You could go to get the basic stuff out of the way and/or get a job for now then decide after a year or so what you want to do. I know high school (and the rest of the world) pressures you to have it all figured out, but you absolutely don't have to. I had my life planned at 12 and then disaster struck. There are people who ended up doing things completely different than they planned or have degrees in because things change and life happens and you'll have to come up with a new plan.

Relationships aren't my forte, but I've been to community college, private 4-year undergrad, and a public university for graduate school, and I've graduated and failed miserably so if you want to know anything about any of the educational stuff you can ask me.

it would be ideal to visit him a few times, but we send in college applications in november and that's not enough time to do that.. especially since my parents have no idea about him and would freak out, disapprove, and do everything in their power to forbid it if they did know.
should i just apply to schools out there too, just in case? then visit or try to get him to visit over summer or something?

i don't know.. everyone's just kinda saying that even if i don't have a plan now, it'd be better to go to a four year college and figure out my plans along the way..?
i'm just so scared about running out of time to decide on what the hell i'm gonna do, as far as going to a four year as opposed to community college for my basics.. nobody really teaches us what to look for in colleges or even HOW to research them. all colleges look exactly the same to me, academically.

how did you decide on what to do when going to college? as far as choosing a college and which type of school and all that..?

[Kate*]

If you haven't yet, I would strongly suggest talking to your guidance counselor. There are several factors that you want to start with, it really depends which ones matter the most to you.

Location: Do you want to live at home or go away? If you want to go away, how far away? and remember to factor in living arrangements to the cost if you don't stay at home. If you're going out of state, it's a lot more expensive. It also depends where you are in relation to schools. I was lucky to have several very close and some that were far away,

Cost: Again, out of state will cost you more, how much are your parents willing and able to help, how will you pay regardless? If you're going to work, how much can you handle working? Financial aid is a headache, it just is.

Type of school: 4-year colleges and universities will cost more than community colleges for the same courses which is why a lot of people transfer the credits. Private will cost more than public. Public tends to be bigger and offer more options and higher degrees.

Size of school: Does it matter to you how big the campus is or how many students they have? Private schools will usually be smaller, but again, more expensive and with fewer majors.

What you want to study: I knew what I wanted when I was 12 and chose a major based on that. It's perfectly fine not to know though. Every degree requires core courses that everyone has to take regardless of major. Start with those and see what you like and don't like, or if anything in particular sparks your interest. This is where community college can be a major money-saver because the courses are a lot cheaper and the credit will transfer to a different school when it's time. You can browse majors and see what you're drawn to and what you could do with it.

Prestige: I wouldn't put too much emphasis on this. A degree is a degree is a degree. 9 times out of 10 it won't matter where it came from.

STAY AWAY FROM FOR-PROFIT though, they're a financial nightmare (University of Phoenix, Capella, etc.) It doesn't sound like you're considering them, but just don't.

As for me, I knew what I wanted to study, and every college had my major. I thought I wanted to go away, but spent the first weekend at the school I chose (45 minutes away) and went running home. Ended up going to the community college for 2 years, then knew I wanted to stay home and didn't want to go to a huge campus. I transferred my credits to the school 5 minutes from my house, it just happened to be private 4-year. I knew I'd have to go to a different school if I wanted graduate school which I needed for the career I wanted. I had to go away for that, and most private schools don't offer many graduate degrees. but there was a public school that had the degree I wanted less than an hour from home, so I chose that one and came home on the weekends. I loved it, but then it got harder than it should've been, I was evaluated for/diagnosed with a disability that would make the career impossible, was forced out of the program without finishing it, and the rest is documented here in the screaming thread. I can go back to the university, but not to the same program. Now I'm trying to decide what to do instead and if doing so is possible or makes sense.

Go on college visits if they're still having them and if possible spend the weekend (see me running home above), Keep in mind that they'll be trying to sell you on the place and be critical of what they tell you.

They say apply to at least 5 schools, at least one that you're almost certain to get into, some that you know you'd probably get into, and maybe one or more that would be a reach. I think application fees are waived for undergrad now, so don't worry too much about that. Make sure you have your materials though (test scores, letters of rec (if required), have your transcripts sent by your school etc.)

You aren't running out of time, you don't have to decide right now. Even if the rest of the world is telling you that. I have a family friend who went to nursing school in her 50's you can always change your mind, or go later if you're not ready. I know it's a ton to take in with deadlines looming, but try not to panic. Your guidance counselor could prove to be a huge help (or not) it really depends, but I would definitely recommend talking to him/her soon.