Feeling a bit torn (High School)

[Blib]

There's a good deal of information here, and i must apologise if i can not make it any shorter. Bear with me.

So i'm currently in high school, rolling in construction for a year now and doing so-so but steadily deteriorating...

My main issue is that i WAS interested for a while, but 'adult' life isn't really what it's made out to be i've come to find very quickly nor do any counselors or teachers make much of an attempt to make it seem exciting. I find myself being repulsed more and more, and as of recent the discussion with my counselor has become fairly stagnant as she seems to take more of an apathetic stance on the matter (i.e. the stress is normal you just need to adapt to absolutely everything here and it will be fine forever) which is what my father has been telling me the entire time which is not motivating in the slightest.

I've been feeling mentally and physically unwell for a long time, 2 years maybe, i will get tired easily after most physical excercise receiving a feeling of malaise (though i still manage to stand on par with others if i strain myself) and i get pounding headaches along, and outside training and it has only slightly worsened over time to a point where i seem to do worse in general besides some basic physical tasks. I have recently visited my general practitioner with my father, and also made the circumstances clear to the counselors but the situation remains largely the same and i'm forced to continue straining myself regularly which leads me back to the main issue i mentioned.. I really do not find construction attractive anymore, nor any of the associated lines on the school.

I have mentioned that i still consider changing lines and perhaps starting anew but there's the problem of not quite knowing what i even want to study. I have expressed my feelings about the situation, but they are saying i should avoid changing lines entirely even though i do not feel comfortable in my current position nor have i had a chance to organize the resources or plans i will need in order to continue in construction..

This feels a bit messy, apologies again. I realize there are more problems involved here than simply my education but i've been worried about my future for a while and i cannot bear the obnoxiousness that is developing from this now so i had to post this somewhere.

[Hiraeth]

You sound a lot like how I've been feeling with programming. Disillusioned, bored, burned out, exhausted, physically and mentally.

One thing has helped me a lot -- accepting that at the end of the day, most jobs are just a job. The vast majority of the people in the world, work to survive, not because their career is their one true calling in life or whatever. So okay, sure, it doesn't have to be a source of passion, but at least it should be not exhausting, right? The problem is, then you find, that "changing direction" itself requires a huge investment of time and resources at the beginning, which is also exhausting. To stay is exhausting, to go is exhausting.

What do you value in life? Can you see your current choice of career opening doors to whatever those values are? A stable income, maybe? Work-life balance? I don't know what it is for you. My most important value in life is international mobility, and unfortunately IT is one of the very few industries where those opportunities are the norm. So, I'm trying to make peace with it now. It's still exhausting of course, but it is possible to recover from burnout without changing course entirely. Recognizing that you're burned out is probably a good first step.

I don't really talk to people about my struggles with burnout anymore. I turn away anyone who tries to pressure me into being more ambitious than I am (which is not, I am being gentle with myself). They don't get it, they're going to make it worse. I don't need pressure. I need space to heal and regroup. Perhaps you do too, but, only you know for sure.

[Blib]

Programming is really that boring and exhausting? Hm...

And yes i realize at this point, that the 'finding the job you love' is only a small part of the big picture here.

If there is one thing i value here in life it is my freetime, and the space and time to do the things i will need/want to do whatever that may be. I like the idea of a lazy simple life and i intend to somehow accomplish such a comfortable future where i might have my days relaxed and slow-going and room for shenanigans or other activites when i feel like it.

Of course, being educated in construction and perhaps waking as early as 6:00 to work to 16:00 or something obviously doesn't seem very appealing then.. The pay is pretty average, and the work is hard.

I have one other school to choose from, which has general studies as well but also media and communication which also interests me more than construction at this point ... Heh. I have not investigated what the admission requirements are there though and the one i am at now is a bit closer..

So TL;DR > I want a simple life with a steady income so i can be lazy and do stuff i want to do whenever...

And of course, time to heal yes ... I have been struggling with serious depression for a while now. Been too harsh on myself and i do not need people telling me to walk it off.