Triggering (SH): College Options are Tearing Me Apart

[NotExactlyCrazy]

Hi,

It's been a while since I was on this site. The last time I was here I was in a really bad place and I am back here because I am struggling again.

I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety and depression and I take 20mg or Prozac as a mood stabilizer. I do not go to therapy simply because I cannot afford it.

I am here because I am falling apart. I have two options for college. One is a state school located about 20 minutes from home. At the end of 4 years I will have a degree and about 30,000 dollars in debt. The other option is a dedicated performing arts conservatory(My major) located in New York City. It is not only my dream school, but it is a huge stepping stone in the direction of pursuing a performing arts career. However, I will not graduate with a degree and I have 60,000 dollars of tuition that I cannot currently fund. The state school, which has a sub-par theatre program, does not have any contacts, but it does have a degree program, so there's that.

I can't really afford to go to either of them, and my parents won't even consider applying for a PLUS loan because of personal circumstances. Additionally, they won't cosign on a loan or allow me to ask anyone else to cosign with me. As a minor I am apparently incapable of applying on my own.

I did apply for financial aid and I got quite a but but it wasn't nearly enough. I was also offered scholarships by both schools. I applied for grants and scholarships all over the place, probably more than 25. I set up a GoFundMe and I have been trying to get sponsors and organize fundraisers, but it's still never going to be enough. I don't know what else I am supposed to do.

I have two days to make a decision and I think I have to go to the state school, but I have never made a decision that felt so much like giving away my life. I know I am incredibly lucky to even have options. My family keeps telling me that mast people don't even have a choice. But giving away my NYC opportunity feels like giving up my family. I went there this summer on a full scholarship for a high school conservatory. I've never felt so loved or accepted. The prospect of going there has been the only thing keeping me going for the past year. And now that option has basically been torn out of my hands and it hurts so much. I can't even explain how painful it is.

I cut myself impulsively earlier this week and now I can't stop. It's not a new problem, but I've been clean for about a month because I didn't want to have fresh cuts at Prom and before that I had been clean for about 7 months before the college application process drove me over the edge.

I can't sleep. I feel sick to my stomach and I keep blanking out and staring into space for hours at a time. I feel like I'm just going to shut down and die. I'm not saying I'm suicidal, I just feel like my mind is slowing down. I'm going to stop functioning. I am absolutely falling apart and there is no one who cares and no way to stop it.

It hurts. My mind hurts. I'm so tired and so sick of fighting.

[Konohana Sakuya]

Hello there, Charlie. Welcome back to TH we're glad that you're reaching out to someone, even if it's just online support. Nevertheless, we're glad to help you with your problems in any way we can

I feel sorry for everything you've been through. Deciding which college to go while being held back with financial problem is tiring and stressful. I can understand why you're falling apart because it kind of sets your future in stone. However, you don't need to bear all of your burdens alone.

I see you're at the same age with me, so I am assuming you are still in high school. Do feel free to correct me if I'm wrong, though. Have you tried talking with your school counsellor? They are there to help struggling students like you with anything regarding college, such as which major to choose, which school to choose, and even admission process. If not, a teacher can be really helpful too.

Also, have you tried talking about your problems with your family? I understand that your parents don't want to apply for a loan, but at least you can try reaching out to the others in your family like your uncle, aunt, etc. Having a heart-to-heart talk session with them can help. You might not know it, but your family is there to help you with their best. Online support can be relieving, but having someone to reach out to in real life is more fulfilling.

It's great that you've been 7 months clean from SH and you don't need to be afraid of relapsing because it's perfectly normal in recovering. However, hurting yourself impulsively is going to do nothing but harm to your body. If you'd like to, you can read this thread. It gives you a list of alternatives to self harm. You can always get up and try again not to hurt yourself.

I hope this helps. I may not be good at giving advices, but I can certainly provide some ears to listen to whatever you need to talk about. Stay strong. We're here for you, if you ever need a helping hand.

Take care,
Karen

[L4Y]

Welcome back to the site, Charlie. I'm sorry to hear what you are going through, as I realize what an important decision it is. I have always felt that far too many students find themselves in the position that you are in and I wish there was a way these situations could be remedied more easily.

You are indeed lucky to have options, but I can obviously understand why you wish to go to the NYC school if it is your dream.

If your parents will not co-sign or ask someone else to co-sign on a loan, do you know anyone you could ask on your own who may be willing to do so?

It definitely sounds as if you are putting forth a lot of thought and work into this. You mentioned being offered scholarships from both schools and I hope that between that and your other efforts that you can work this out. The above poster's suggestion of speaking with a counselor to possibly help you sort this out is a good one as well. Best wishes.