Triggering: Really dreading going back to school

[YoungK9]

I'm terrified about going back to school. I'm already getting anxiety,& I'm only thinking about it. I didn't really care about bullying last year, but, I think it'll really effect me this year because
A.) My depression has got a lot worse,& I'm extremely sensitive.
B.) My sister made me realize that I did to "dress good", to have friends. She made me realize people hated me. She even said it.

I'm so stressed about this. I can't stop thinking about it.
Saying that I contemplate suicide a lot, if I do get bullied, that could certainly push me over the edge. I already feel worthless,& useless to everyone. I completely hate myself, because of how my sister treats me. Others too, mainly her.

I know I'll get bullied by people, because they had me,& think I am weird,& ugly.

I really want to kill myself before school starts. I'm sure the students there wouldn't give one shit if I took me life.

[hocus pocus]

Hi there!

I'm sorry to hear that you're not looking forward to going back to school, I understand how you feel. It seems like thinking about school is doing more harm than good in your case. It'll benefit you to keep your mind busy until you absolutely have to think about school which would be on the first day. Until then, keep yourself distracted so you will have other thoughts in your mind. I know you said you're having trouble diverting your thoughts, so try taking a look at the alternatives - there's a lot of stuff on there to keep you occupied!

How your sister and other people treat you is wrong without a doubt. People who bully others normally are going through something themselves and although I am not excusing their behavior, they are having trouble with coping with something too. It would help to keep some reminders of your positive traits. Perhaps you can put some positive quotes or some pictures that you like in your binder, etc. See if you can stand in the mirror and verbally enforce something to yourself such as saying that you are beautiful. Some people have the personality where they are unaffected and others, such as you and I, are more sensitive to remarks. The things people say and do definitely hurt but we have to remind ourselves that they are wrong. You have more power than the perpetrators because you don't put other people down and you have the ability to stand up for yourself.

You are not weird or ugly. You are a spectacular person with your own great traits - don't ever forget that. Just remember to be yourself.

Being able to voice how you are feeling is an amazing thing. With that being said, don't be afraid to reach out for help when you need it! Is there anyone you can trust to talk to about how you're feeling? It can be anyone you'd like. Here's a list of who can help you. If you are uncomfortable speaking to someone in your life right now, here is a list of hotlines. If you feel as though you are in immediate danger, please refer to these or go to the ER.

Take care of yourself.

[Celyn]

Hi there,

I’m sorry you feel terrified of going back to school and being bullied. I know from personal experience it is not very nice at all. As Idyllic said, try to take your mind of it. Also, doing some breathing exercises can calm you down in general, when you feel the anxiety building up.

It is wrong how your sister and others are treating you. As Idyllic said, they may be dealing with issues of their own, but it is still wrong for them to treat you like that. I find that writing positive messages or your positive traits on post it notes and reading them every day, and whenever you feel sad can help boost your self- confidence. A friend once told me that, what worked for him was for every negative thought he had about himself, to challenge it and find a positive thought to replace it. Also, when you feel stressed or low, try writing down your feelings, or ranting about them on here. I find that it helps release negative emotions in a healthy way. You’ve always got the TeenHelp community here for you

Dealing with depression and school can be a challenge. Since you say that you have felt suicidal, I’m wondering if you have talked to anyone about it at all? Perhaps a trusted friend, adult, teacher or counsellor? It can be very helpful sometimes to reach out to others.

I don’t think you are weird or worthless at all!

Take care now

[YoungK9]

Thank you everyone!

Something horrible happened,& it was partially my fault. So, now I feel even worse

I never told anyone to extent that I experience killing myself. I never told anyone I almost attempted,that I've had a plan, that I've researched. I have told one person I thought about it.

I just... Don't know how I can handle school with my depression. With feeling worthless, then I get bullied, it makes me feel even more worthless. I don't have any motivation to do school work, at all, then I get yelled at for not caring. I do.

[hocus pocus]

It seems like the thoughts you are having are pretty severe. It is one thing to want to end your life but it is another to compose a plan and do research on it. I think you need to tell someone as soon as possible so someone can help keep you safe. Either refer to the hotlines I listed above, or talk to an adult you trust and seek professional help.

You can handle it, you're strong enough. You just have to remind yourself that you aren't worthless - you have to enforce that and slowly but surely you'll believe it.

Feel free to PM me.