Triggering (Abuse): ? Intimacy issues, would this work/ satisfy? Please reply?

[Speckled Gecko]

Hi,
Okay, i've never been (willingly) 'intimate' with someone before. I'm 18 and i'm starting to worry about these things. I would like a boyfriend, but i know that they would expect certain... 'things' from me. This petrifies me! I would probably agree to being intimate (because i'm weak like that) but i would just be laid there, shut down physically and would probably cry (because i'm stupid) while he does what he wants.
I know this sounds stupid, but i'm just wondering if that would work physically, and if it would work for him?
Sorry, really stupid i know, but it terrifies me.
Please reply! Thanks.

[MsNobleEleanor]

Hey there Sophie,

There is no rush in being intimate with someone and not everyone does the same thing to be intimate with the other. Some people like cuddling, some like their hair caressed, some like other things and some don't.

If someone is forcing you to be intimate with them, this is not right and it is your body so you can do whatever you would like and Sophie we all should be treated with respect and if someone isn't respecting us, I'd encourage you to leave the situation.

Do you know why you are so scared to be intimate with someone? You have labelled the thread as, "as triggering, particularly on the subject of rape or abuse..." May I ask have you ever been abused so your scared to be intimate with someone or are you scared someone will abuse you?

What makes you say, "I would probably agree to being intimate (because i'm weak like that) but i would just be laid there, shut down physically and would probably cry (because i'm stupid) while he does what he wants."


Sophie, this is your body and what you want to do with it this is your choice but if you let the guy do whatever without your consent this is called, "rape," and it is against the law. Everyone needs to respect the human body both male and female in a way where we are not scared. You are scared that someone will harm you. When you meet someone you shouldn't rush into things, talk about how fast you want to go, let him know you want to be treated with respect and cared for when engaging in sexual activity.


Please be safe Sophie and if you need to write more you can do that.

Take care.

[THE FAPMAN]

Hi Sophie!
Let me tell you something...
If you find the guy of your life, he WILL NOT push you to have ANYTHING if you dont want to do it... He will wait untill the end of time (i know i would). If that person loves you, and you arent ready for sex or even cuddling, he wont push...
But if he does, and if he is agressive, its not the right person for you... And what Chantal said: were you raped, or abused? I know how that can be a metal scar forever...
Be strong!

[Speckled Gecko]

Hi
Thank you both for your replies. I understand that some guys would say that they’d wait, but I think that once they realise the extent of my fear (e.g. I even flinch at my friend putting her hand on my knee), they’d either just leave or say they are getting tired of waiting. Then this is when I would reluctantly agree to it (if I hadn’t already), I would feel guilty for not providing these things for a boyfriend because I know males have ‘needs’.

Regarding your questions about the label I gave the thread and if I have been abused, I honestly don’t know . Some people on the forum have said that I have been, but I still think it was just me being weak and overreacting now. I know that I had things ‘done to me’ by three different people (one group) that I didn’t want when I was younger, but it’s complicated because they weren’t adults. The group situations involved... erm... penetration (sorry, that is so hard to say ) but not in the ‘conventional’ way as they were female. Thats why I said what I did about just letting him do what he wanted, because that’s what I ended up doing in these situations. Except this time I have just fear rather than fear with naivety so thats why I’d cry.

Sorry if I haven’t answered your questions fully, if you want to ask more, then I will try and answer them. Thanks again for your replies, and any more would be very welcome!!

[rac146]

Sopie,

my first boyfriend abused me. While he didn't abuse me sexually, I felt like you did. That I had to let him. He was gentle but insistive so I went along with him. whatever. we never had sex though and we eventually broke up (for non sexual reasons) This combined with other stuff from my past made me like you. I was terrified of touch, not just sexually. I would freak out if one of my friends touched me If I intiated, like a hug I was okay, but if they hugged me, not okay and I would have a panic attack.

lol, thats just back story so you know I kinda know where you coming from. Let me tell you, when you find someone you like, just take it slow. If they like you they will be okay with that. My current boyfriend (my 2nd) has been absolutely wonderful in that area. He took it super slow with me and understood sometimes I would want to do something (like make out, or whatever) but then I would panic and start to cry. He would stop, and hold me while I cried. He's great I think you need someone to show how great intimacy can be. start slow, if a person is worth your time, they will be willing to go slow for you.

[THE FAPMAN]

I would like to ask Ruth something... You said you would want to make out, and you would start crying and he would stop and hold you while you cry... You said all of that in past tense... If you dont mind me asking... Do you still have those problems? Or are you ok with intimacy now? And, since when are you and him together? I home i wont get an infraction for this, because Im really curious...

[Kindred]

Just wanted to add- Sophie, men can masturbate, the job of a girlfriend is not to sexually satisfy, it's to provide emotional support, acceptance and love. Sexual satisfaction they can do alone, and a boyfriend not willing to wait isn't right for you. At all. No matter how horny he is, the guy can, and will wait for you- trust me.