Anxiety destroys relationships.

[xcloudymindx]

I really hope this is the right place, I just need to vent.


I'm so torn apart. I was seeing a guy on a weekly basis from January through to the ending of March. We wasn't technically dating, but we wasn't being 'Just friends' either, he was messaging me back & forth (paragraph messages, we made pet names, we'd cuddle up, slept together) Thing's you'd expect a couple would be doing. He's been honest and open, about his feelings, he's not one for showing emotion & whatever it is that's damaged him in the past, is still a massive part of him - It's clear he's been messed about & pained. He told me he liked me, but he said all along that he doesn't want to pressure things, or rush. He's been distant at times and I've respected that - I understand his space is vital for him to follow through & I need my space to I guess.

We talk on a really good level & I'd say we click on many things, we have mutual understanding's and think it's helped in ways.

But Me being me had to mess everything up

We was drinking almost 3 weeks ago, and everything was good. He had said something to me "I don't want any funny business, Just a good time".

I was extremely confused by that. But let it slip thinking not much of it. (Tbh i didn't at the time realize it was about 'me and him' I thought I had been a bit out-going the night before with my bestfriend or something)

Before going out that night, my mood had gone a low drop. I remember being in the bath before going out and i was crying over absolutely nothing.
I just pushed it aside and went out.

So this particular night, the atmosphere was different, my anxiety was on edge and there was more lads at the house, I was wary as there was drinking and drug use. I stayed with my bestfriend and kept her relaxed bearing in mind to me she's the youngest. I had tried asking out to the guy I'm seeing about what he meant, he just brushed it off.

The night went on, we ended up going another guys house. I was just falling in and out of my shadow's, But didn't want to put a downer on things, (Yes I had choices) But when you feel so shit, you feel shit about every choice and decision you make or might have to.

So I just tried my hardest to no zone to that low point, I messed around with my friend, had a few more drinks, but the energy to just pull off this out-going attitude was draining.

We was there from about 2amish until 8am the lads were still drinking, I was just... I was gone. One of the lads was winging to the other 2 "Don't leave yet man, you know I'm depressed, you know I get lonely on my own" This had some sort of irritant affect on me?

The same guy then slowly started making sly remarks to me, It must have been obvious to him that I was showing some sort of emotion and he was crowding over that. I was beating myself up inside, I was struggling.

I'm not sure what happened or what was said, but he upset me eventually and I left the room, I went to the bathroom and cried to myself. I returned once my face had lost the clammed look, but I was paranoid. I was shaking, sweating and just losing the whole feeling "of being there" he then, tried to get me to shake his hand, but I refused, he upset me, I wasn't applauding that. He seemed taken by surprise, and gave me some mouth and went away. I was just numb. He then came back, and started raving on about how he's "depressed" and just be "respected" by people! I was sat there in a dark low point hearing that, It shattered me further inside.

He the had the audacity to tell me I haven't been through no shit! For a start he didn't know me, and yet he bellowed down on me telling me I know nothing about life, this only triggered my mood and anxiety, He was wording all this stuff to me and it was like i just went, i started getting a pain in my chest, I started panicking thinking there was no air in the room and the whole starting of an attack began...

I eventually broke, I broke so bad. It's hard typing this, but I just didn't care. I felt so small & useless. My guy friend had gone for a smoke, so I got up to talk to him, not really with the intention of talking, he hugged me, and I asked him to come back to his brother's but he said it's best he didn't and I just so badly wanted to talk about shit, It was like i was in three places at once, There talking to him, away from the scene that i had somehow created talking to him still, and the third place was blank like i wasn't anywhere at all.

But he instantly blamed himself! I tried in the moment he spilt them words, he said something and all I saw was pain across his face like no other and I so desperately wanted his affection... I was just helplessly sobbing, and losing it, the pain in my chest increased, my back hurt and i just wanted to curl up and die, right there.

I managed to pull myself away and collapsed but managed to pull myself up and then nearly went down again in the pain, His mate who had pushed my limits was giving me loads of shit, pushing me out his house, squaring in my face, He was getting angrier and angrier the more I stood not backing away from him, the 3rd lad was trying to drag me away and my bestfriend, she was screaming your gonna get hit, but I just felt so fucked up I didn't care, I was wanting to hit him, which isn't like me, I don't believe in violence, but I just wanted to swing for him... I don't know if it was how he made me feel so fucking irrelevant or how he kept trying to get sympathy and respect for his "depression?"

Since that My friend he won't speak to me! He thinks I've gotten to close way to fast, but it's not that! It wasn't him, it was just me, It was me and a strike of anxiety that caused an outburst. He's scared of being vulnerable and chooses to run from those feelings (he told me that), and I know how that feels. I don't normally attach to people or socialise, It's a lucky thing if i leave my house within a week!

But it's been nearly 3 weeks and he won't reply to my messages or read them. He then was asking my bestfriend to make plans, I feel so betrayed! I never told him about my anxiety strikes because I'm terrified of being taken advantage of, because it always happens! I'm scared to trust, I'm scared to go into a relationship, It's only been 5 months since my 2yr relationship ended and it was full of bad trust and I was emotionally abused to the point I lost all self worth.

He said my bestfriend he feels like shit for not talking to me... (It was me typing as her) and i Admitted it was me talking, He said he thought so and said he'll talk tomorrow & guess we didn't so I waited 2 days then sent a message "Hey, you on?" & still it's been unread and ignored.

I get he probably need's time, and is in a difficult position, but he's caught up with the wrong idea, like there is so much misunderstanding! & I'm breaking, I feel so ashamed of my anxiety, so ashamed that this is apart of who I am and It's just straying deeper and darker... I can't sleep at night, I can't eat because I just tear up and cry, and the feel nothing.

Like I'm crying, but it's doesn't seem like hurt so much? It seem more like it's frustration... Frustrated that I cant just talk and fix this! I never message him when he goes to a distant phase, I respect it and I'm happy with it. But knowing there is so much negative in the air, I can seem to stop obsessing and Its's not the fear of losing him, It's just fear that he's blaming himself and avoiding me because he think's he's hurt me - He hasn't, I've nothing against him, It's my fault and it's shit he's closed me out thinking he's done me wrong, when it's other way round! & He's not making me think this way, I genuinely realize where I've gone wrong!

I just don't know what to do anymore? I'm only fearing that he would want nothing to do with me cause of my anxiety and that's painful, But get used to people leaving and not sticking around. It's all sickening!

He doesn't have a phone, so i can't try ringing he only uses snapchat.

I'm tempted to just show up at his house and just confront it like an adult and then leave him to decide, but I'm scared of looking crazy/desperate. But before this, everything was good between us! We genuinely have really good times, laughs, the lot! If he want nothing to do with me, then closure is something I'd understand and appreciate on leaving me hanging like this!

I'm surrounding myself with other people, i'm getting on with the things i enjoy, but I can't move so fast from him, I get i have some feelings, but I can hold off those, it wasn't those to begin with, and now its all a mess, It's drawing me in further.

I just needed to vent really, if your offering advice then I appreciate you reading this xxx