Non-PG13 (Strong Language): Anxiety is My Middle Name

[Readein]

I've came on here, and posted a few times through my life. I'm going on 24 now, and looking at my posts make me realize that I was being stupid. My depression however hasn't gotten much better.

I'm prone to drastic mood swings. They're exhausting to the point that feeling any excess emotion makes me anxious. I've always had issues with my father. On top of me being the oldest of 3 boys, and his drug addiction; he's always been a negative factor in my life. It wasn't until my mid-teens that I realized what I had been feeling was anxiety. My father often called me childish for these feelings so naturally I believed them to be. I'm practically hard-wired to reject emotion. Anytime I open up to someone; I immediately regret it, and the depression from that normally lasts a while. So I normally keep to myself; dealing with my emotions has never seemed to work for me.

I look in the mirror, and all I can feel is hate. I'm 24 and can't get on with my life due to all my intricacies. I can't properly communicate with people. I'm constantly given looks due to this, so I try to avoid talking as much as possible. My mind just goes blank, and I fill with anxiety anytime I feel I'm expected to talk.

I used to be a drug addict, then an alcoholic. These things made me social, and drove the anxiety out of me. My problem was that I used it as a crutch to fill the hole in me caused by not being social. Now all I do is smoke pot, and me using substances as a crutch made my social abilities even more shitty.

My dick ranges from 5.5-6 inches depending on the circumstances. For some reason it looks much smaller than that, and I received a lot of hate about it early on; making my self image even less. I always envied women; even though their sexuality is more mental they have a lot more sexual lee-way. I understand that women have the ability to chose from many partners, and us men don't. It's just the way it is. This means women can be far more picky in who they want to have sex with.

My fiance whom I've dated for 4 years was a virgin when we started, so she never got to experience another man. I've always felt guilty about this (even though my few sexual encounters prior to her weren't great) so I decided to make our relationship semi-open, and we're planning on surprising my friend when he gets out of prison by allowing him to have sex with her. This honestly doesn't bother me (truthfully it's a turn-on), and I happily await the day I get to share her. I mention all this to make the last paragraph make a little more sense. I want to sleep with another woman. Angel (my fiance) is VERY much against this notion, so obviously I won't, but the urge grows day by day. I can't expect her to have my exact sexuality, so I don't hold it against her. I know I never will, but this on top of all my anxiety is driving me up the wall.

The first thing she said when she grabbed my dick was "It's so small" I've never gotten those words out of my head. She's apologized again, and again, so I'm not mad at her. I've always felt like I didn't measure up, and it took a lot of courage to show it to her that day. That was 4 years ago, and it still haunts me. The worst part is that I know it's my own internalized hate; I understand that it doesn't matter that much, but rationality has never made me feel better. I considered cutting it off during a really bleak time in my life, but decided against it when I realize I'd probably bleed out.

Also I hate that all the work comes from men during sex. I work so hard to get her off only to feel unfulfilled after I get off. Sex used to be spontaneous and awesome, but now it might happen once a week if I'm lucky. I want her to initiate it sometimes, or atleast contribute to foreplay. It's practically impossible for me to tell someone they're doing something wrong so for the past 4 years I haven't really had anything done to me that I explicitly wanted. I could never face the shame of teaching my girl to give me a blowjob; knowing that she'll feel inadequate if she wan't doing it right (which is a feeling I know too well, and I hate making people feel the same.)

I want to sleep with a girl that I have absolutely no concerns about how she feels about me. I know that sounds harsh, but I want to explore myself sexually, and I just can't do that with someone I care so much about. I worry I will spend my entire younger years unfulfilled, and grow up not wanting to have sex anymore regretting that I never tried.

As of right now I've shut down sexually; it's the only thing that makes sense. I'm fiddling with the concept of being the boyfriend emotionally, and letting my friend (once released) to be her exclusive sexual partner. He's bigger than me, and probably would have no issue pushing her out of her comfort zone like I do. At a young age this would've seemed extreme, but now it's calming. Sometimes things don't get better. Sometimes things just aren't for you, and it's best to give in and accept this.

Anyways, I'm not necessarily looking for feedback, but if you wish I won't mind it. Just wanted to put this somewhere other than the back of my mind.

[Green Yoshi]

Hello I think that things will get better for you.

What you should remember is that your father is a drug addict, and some of the things he says he doesn't mean. There's a chance that he's emotionally abusive , and if he makes you feel bad about yourself, then he is sort of emotionally abusive in a way. Thus, it's better if you just ignore a lot of the shit he says because he just does that in a tough parenting way, but when it's "Drunk/high " tough parenting, then some of the things he says are going to be very mean or bad. But not everyone is going to be like this. There are people who are nice and loving. These people won't abuse you .. rather they'll take care of you, and nurture your feelings. It's okay to talk about your feelings. Your father probably wants you to be like him because he can't be hurt, but at the same time.. you hurt yourself on the inside by keeping all of these emotions within yourself. But where's the point in that? By sharing emotions and experiences with other people, you grow as a human being. And that's what counts.

Perhaps it'll be better for you if you slowly but surely replace smoking pot /weed/drinking with some other activity that puts you into social situations. I know that using those substances as a crutch to assist might help at times, but it's better to just mix around, and slowly come out of your shell, because that'll really help you feel better about yourself, and there's no better feeling . Also, I think that you'll be able to do it because you want to improve, and you certainly showed it by telling us these experiences/thoughts of yours.

As for your sex life, I think that semi-open relationships can be fun. But you can be assured that when it comes to dick size or pleasuring a woman, sometimes women just wanna be loved, and that when they do it with someone who loves them and is loved by them in return, it feels so good and sensual. I think that's a bigger factor, and that you've everything you need to pleasure and satisfy your girl . Most of all, when you do it, be confident and remember that you can do whatever you like as long as she's okay with it. Who knows.. this girl might actually want to fulfill your sensual desires too.. wild, unrestrained sex is usually the best sex of all.

I'm sure that you'll be able to overcome this period of self-doubt. All you need is self-belief and a strong sense of your self-worth. " I can do this " should be replaced with " This is nothing before me. " Think of everything this way, and you'll be going places. Better, happier places. Stay safe and remember that you got us too! We'll always be around to support you, assist you and make things better for you.

[Readein]

My father is old now. I was speaking in past tense for the whole first chunk up until the sex talk. He regrets the things he put me through. Hell, my mom can't even bring our childhood up without crying. She abused adderall so she was either passed out, or too sped up to make sense (cigarette holes everywhere) Besides a crack binge my dad went on last year; he's been pretty clean aside from all the opiates his pain doctor prescribes him.

Also while I still smoke; it's a lot less than I use too, and I don't go to parties or any public gatherings anymore due to my distaste for alcohol. I might do shrooms once every year or so, but done in the right context it can be really therapeautic. I do agree I need to quit smoking all together; pot is literally my only vice. I smoked cigarettes for 5 years, and quit cold turkey. There was a period in my life where I'd do anything that wasn't in a needle, and I've almost died more than once due to that lifestyle.

4 years ago Angel told me she would never be with me as an addict, and that day I quit cold turkey. Aside from a stent with alcohol my 21st year, and a relapse on ecstasy one dumb night; I've actually done well these 4 years. I love her more than I could ever lover anyone.

Me and Angel have an extremely honest relationship, and we both said things in our younger years we didn't mean. Things just tend to get stuck in my head. She's 100% cool with trying anything new sexually with me, but I've got way too much of a complex about it now. When we were younger she would get frustrated if I couldn't get off if she was doing something wrong. This was extremely stressful at the time. We've grown, and she realizes how stupid she was being, but as I said before things stick with me; been that way all my life.

She thought my feelings of wanting to sleep with someone else was an omen for us to fail, but it's really not. I can't imagine my life with anyone else but her; took a lot of convincing. I just wanted her to know the truth. I knew she wanted to try someone out besides me. I'm not sure she would've told me had I not stressed the fact I wouldn't be bothered by it, and honestly I'm not. As long as I'm present, know the person, and she's cool with it; it doesn't bother me. I do wish she felt the same, but I understand.

I've tried so hard to get past these mental walls that I always put up; I've never understood how to stop feeling a certain way. People have always told me "stop thinking about it" or "don't feel that way", but all I do is think. Ever since I was a kid I've had issues sleeping due to my mind always working. Even when I do sleep I wake up atleast every 30 minutes. I'm a knot of complexes and insecurities, and it ended me up in the loony bin once.

I wasn't going to mention this, but I'm feeling especially expressive tonight. About 2 years ago I got tired of waging a mental war with myself. I've felt this way since I was like 16. After getting close many times; I finally did it. Grabbed the nearest bottle, and tried to OD. As soon as I heard Angels voice to tell her bye I knew I fucked up. I couldn't throw them back up, so I went to the hospital. I hadn't realized (but should've) that she called an ambulance to my house. She's saved my life twice; this and getting me clean. Probably many more times. I don't want to paint her in the wrong light because she is a sweetheart, and wants nothing more but for me to be happy.

I'm the problem

[Green Yoshi]

You are not the problem. You've went through a lot, and it's time to forget and not dwell on past experiences. It's better for you to just relax, and be yourself. Don't ever think about what you lack. Rather, concentrate on your advantages and strengths, and continue to learn new things. Your weaknesses are just things you're yet to learn on, and improve on. Heck, I'm pretty sure that you're close to being perfect already. I'm glad that your parents now want the best for you, and really don't want to put you through the things they did anymore. This means that all you need to do now is get out there, change yourself for the better .. slowly but surely. By that I mean doing things that will slowly improve your self confidence. I think that quitting drugs, smoking and magic shrooms and stuffs and replacing them with positive habits will help. Most of all, no matter what you do, have a sense of self-pride. You're better than you think you are, and it's better to never hesitate when it comes to what you can do. Strong, determined and so you- that's how you should be, and you can learn to be that way.

I think that for you and Angel, it's better if you can go back to being relaxed around each other, and get into moods where you get to enjoy each other's company. You might be thinking too much- every girl has periods of time with her boyfriend/partner/fiance where they just want to fulfill their wants and needs. It's better for you to let her satisfy herself by satisfying you. I'm sure that's what she wants, and if it makes the both of you happy, I'd say go for it.

I'm glad that Angel is literally an angel, and she wants you to be happy and wants to support you. I'd say that the best thing to do now is to let her support you, and share your feelings with her. It'll make her very happy to know that you want to express yourself more, and that you want to be even closer to her emotionally than ever before.

You've got a sweet girlfriend, and your parents have repented. Now, all you have to do is not dwell on the past, forget your insecurities because we all have them (but we are all our own unique beings with our own unique strengths... you are special ) and move onward. The future is already bright - now make it even brighter!

[Readein]

I'm not sure if I was clear on this or not, but I don't do drugs. Last time I did shrooms was like a year and a half ago. I was simply stating I didn't have an issue with doing them, but I don't have the urge to do it. I understand I need to quit pot, but pot isn't my issue mentally. I don't even drink caffeine much, so I don't have any other vice aside from pot. I am the result of hiding from myself due to drugs, but I don't have a drug issue anymore. I do have issues brought forth by my previous drug experience though.

Also I hate being away from Angel. It's not that we don't enjoy each others company; I just can't bring myself to teach her the things I want her to do. It's so much easier to just please her; than me keep losing my erection because I'm stressing. As far as getting past these mental brick walls goes; I don't think it's possible. It's like a voice screams at me everytime I'm in a situation that's stressful. I call them brick walls because of how abrupt, and intensely they hit me. Not dissimilar to my mood swings, but those are getting so bad that I don't need a trigger anymore. It's like my body gets really hot and fills with rage, or I get light headed and get really depressed. I try to appear borderline psychopathic to try and avoid having them. I just don't deal with emotion well.

I'm too exhausted mentally to deal with anything because I'm constantly either getting over a mood swing, or I'm right in the middle of one. The days where I can keep myself occupied and not think is when I feel the most sane. It's almost as if I'm two different people.

[Green Yoshi]

For you, your issue is that you think too much about what's going on, rather than just relaxing and enjoying the moments. What you should do now is do some calming things in order to slowly cultivate a calming mindset. The best thing you can do for yourself right now is to read a peaceful book, or maybe do some fun stuff, like maybe music, sports or something to get your mind off these insecurities/brick walls. If its something that happens subconsciously, then it's better for you to slowly but surely overcome it.

Progress can't be rushed, but if it can be rushed, then it's just skipping corners, and that's not the best way to do stuff.

I do know that you care a lot about Angel and that's good, but it's better to also remember that by allowing her to satisfy you, you are also going to make her happy too. Just relax, enjoy the moment and try out new stuff you want to do. Remember that she probably wants to do it too.

Most of all, don't doubt. Believe. I think that your will and determination should be able to get you through the brick walls. You just gotta be stronger and more resolute than the negative emotions that hit you, wave after wave.

[Readein]

I'll give you that. I am the king of over-analyzing everything. She's coming over until tuesday tomorrow morning. I'll try to talk it over with her, and see how I can get a feel for things.

Sorry if I've seemed antagonistic; I'm just a stickler for details (as you could imagine haha) I really have enjoyed talking to someone who doesn't treat me like a crazy person. My mind works different than most people; so it's hard to really get across how I feel. Angel is really the only person physically in my life that understands how I feel.

All this said; I'm not at a terrible part of my life. On the 6th of next month I'll take my last GED test, and hopefully get my GED. After that I plan to apply for IT classes. As soon as I can get enrolled my cousin (who is the head IT guy at an insurance company) has an internship set up for me that will most likely lead to a job, and it looks great on a resume. You want to talk about a genius; my cousin CJ is one. He became the youngest ever boss at where he works only after 4 years. He had a huge influence on my childhood, and shaped me into the person I am today.

Anyways; I'll report back on Tuesday to let you know if things got better.

[Green Yoshi]

Report back as soon as possible. Things will get better, and as long as you relax and just let things happen naturally, you'll find that you're going to be able to handle things more effectively. I think that you aren't a crazy person. You went through a lot, and it has sort of created a false , unneeded sense of security within you that makes you overthink things. But the ones who care won't betray you, and if you know how to treat people well ( which you definitely do ) things will work out well.

Don't worry You weren't antagonistic at all. Perhaps you could talk to your cousin in order to train you and help prepare you for work and everything else that comes after. But most of all, the less you worry about transitioning between different mental stages and just learn to grow into each situation, as well as slowly but surely strengthen your self-confidence and learn from every experience you go through, you'll be heading on the right track.

Best thing you should do right now is meet a lot of new people, as well as trust your cousin and let him teach you the lessons and skills he's gained from his experiences. It's bound to benefit you greatly and make things even better for you from here on out.

Good luck for your GED, and remember to do your best. I have faith in ya!