Anxiety + jobs - current issue / need to quit

[Always *]

I had an internship for my school - it was required to graduate. I turned down this great position for another one because initially it seemed like my boss lady was going to be really cool and that there was a lot of room for creative freedom because the organization was looking to grow. Turns out that her enthusiasm masked a dysfunctional lunatic who would contribute to making my last semester a living hell. She caused me so much anxiety, bearing in mind that I have generalized anxiety disorder. In any case I (stupidly) agreed to stay on past the end of the semester because I (nobly) wanted to finish off my projects.

It's a living hell though. I ended up being way busier trying to find full time adult work and couldn't contribute as much as I had intended. I had to explain this to her 3 times, because she's to stupid to figure anything out. One day I shut off my phone because I knew she wanted to talk but I was busy and the mere thought of talking to her filled me with extremely intense dread.

I ended up exaggerating later and telling her that the following week I would be out of town and probably too busy to talk on the phone cause I'd either be not home or in a situation where I'd have no privacy. It's bad enough having to talk on the phone in private but it causes so much anxiety if people are sitting there watching me. It was all true BUT I could have gotten some privacy if I needed it. I just couldn't deal with talking to her. It's a lot easier to email her because I can just type the words and don't have to deal with HER.

Then I tried telling her that who ever is uploading the videos to YouTube needed to give them titles and tags relevant to the topic of the video. The last 4 videos had been named after the organization and it was starting to have to get extremely annoying having to go fix the persons mistakes. I had to explain this 2 times because my initial, detailed explanation apparently didn't suffice. This is a recurring problem where I state something clearly and she is to fucking stupid to get it. Telling someone who's job is in marketing to give a video a relevant title, not the title of the organization, isn't rocket science. It's a pretty basic concept. But hey, guess what, yet another video showed up with the same title problem so I sent her another email begging her to tell the person to stop doing that and told her straight up that it was annoying that I was constantly having to fix that persons mistakes.

Then, to top it off, it is impossible to deal with anyone else. I am trying to plan these educational videos, but no one is ever available. I get it, they're busy. But I am trying to gear up to quit and I am not going to produce any of them at this rate. Which is fine, but I don't think they realize that I am planning to quit.

They know I am quitting just not when. And I literally have max 1 month left. Now I know that I have to tell the boss lady I am quitting and give her a definite deadline. But I also know that she'll make the conversation 100% more agonizing and painful than it needs to be just because she is a total lunatic. I've known my decision for a little over a week now and I know I'm running out of time but the idea of talking to her is so so horrible. After all, she's mostly why I refuse to keep volunteering. I mean, there is a whole ton of reasons but the horrible, intense anxiety she causes me is a huge part of it.

I was considering talking to the director instead because I think we all have problems with this lady and I would really love to let him know how horrible I think she is because maybe they can find someone more competent once her contract is up.

I know what I need to do; telling her (somehow) but I also need a reference. Even asking her for a reference is super sketch because I do not trust her. Like I said, talking to her causes A LOT of anxiety. She'll make me feel like shit for not sticking around to make the videos. But I already feel bad about that AND if it's this hard to make videos when I live in to area it'll get way worse when I live 2 hours away.

She made me miserable this semester and she made me feel totally unprepared to get a job in the real world. I have enough trouble believing in myself without her totally screwing me over in the way that she did. I learned nothing from her and it ruined my experience.

I just need a practical way to deal with this awful anxiety so I can face her long enough to get through this conversation.

[Kate*]

Your experience sounds a lot like mine (and I promise I'm not bringing it up AGAIN as an excuse to rant about my own stuff) it's relevant.

This person sounds exactly like my supervisor who, I'm convinced is a major (though not the entire) reason that I was forced out of the counseling profession. She started off in a way that made me think I would like her, but ended up a nightmare. She sent my anxiety through the roof, treated me like complete garbage, and bottomed out my self-esteem and self worth, before solidifying the faculty's decision that ultimately ruined my life. I tried to make it work just like you did and ultimately lost everything anyway, but here's what I learned from the whole mess:

You're not going to like every boss you get, and complaining to the person above them will generally make you look bad before it will get them any consequences (I tried that too, the other person denied it and I couldn't get proof)

Complain about them as much as you want, it won't make things any easier on you and it won't change them and be careful where you do it, they might be on to you. In my case I was telling my friends and apparently the staff at the counseling center was also spying on me and may have been telling my supervisor and/or the director things which only came back to bite me

You have to work your way up. You'll have to pay your dues in any profession, so even when you might be right, or have a good idea, they probably won't listen to you. It doesn't make them stupid, in their mind, you haven't earned your place yet to suggest how they do their job and they don't have to listen to you(I learned this one the hard way too). Let them be the experts; when you have the experience you can do things your own way, but if you ruin your reputation and contacts in the profession because you let your anger and frustration get the best of you, they have the ability to ruin you, and they will.

Even legitimate excuses aren't good ones. If you have anxiety, get help for it. They really don't care what you're dealing with or your reasons for not being able to do something and realistically, you can be easily replaced so unless they're required by law to accommodate you, they don't have to accept your explanations and they won't.

If you're forced to work with other people, put your head down and do what needs to be done. Would it be easier if they were more cooperative and communicated better, absolutely, but it probably won't happen and in the end you're quitting anyway. Do what's being asked of you and worry less about everybody else.

As for how to get through the conversation: Know what she'll try to do to you and don't fall for it or let her get to you, remember this is one of, if not the last time you'll have to do it. Considering how this is going, you don't have to ask her for a reference. Don't burn her as a contact though. It couldn't hurt to ask, the worst she's going to tell you is no. So stay calm and do the work that needs to get done until you quit.

I know this was harsh, but the world is an unfeeling, cruel place sometimes. I'd rather you learn that from me, before you lose everything like I did because you don't want to believe that.

[Always *]

Trust me, I know all of that. I get having to do lame grunt work to prove yourself. How she treated me went way beyond that. When your classmates all get more out of their experiences, it's hard not to be frustrated... But it was largely that it was her personality and attitude toward everything that was the problem, not the work, because she made me feel like shit all the time and totally tore me down.

If I didn't have the good sense to realize that any experience is better than no experience, I would have quit. I just realized at some point that my ability not to lose my mind and constantly have break downs because of how insulting and demeaning she was toward me basically meant that I had a great learning experience because I learned how to deal with conflict and how not to get pissed off over being asked to repeat 1 basic fact 3 or more times.

For example, she made me repeat the same research 7 times because she wanted certain answers and I wasn't giving her want she wanted because it didn't exist and I tried explaining to her that the organizations stuff is such a niche area that not a lot of specific data would exist, and it took her 2 months to accept that she was going to have to accept more generalized data... And once I had done it 7 times, all of which had about 10 pages of data (so 70 total), the summarized info only added 1 page to the original 10 pages for a total of 11 pages, so I wrote 59 pages of stuff that was totally useless and/or repeats of the stuff I did the first time just because she wouldn't listen to me. Basically, she was to stubborn to hear that I already had all of the data she wanted and made me feel like shit for a very long time over it.

I get it, people suck, and I have now learned how to cope with a very demeaning and frustrating situation and came out the other side. I want to like her, but she's a horrible boss, and that's why I need to quit.

I hate that my biggest learning experience there was how to deal with a horrible degrading boss. I hate that I now have to find a way to remember my worth and my ability.

[Always *]

But yeah like you definitely have a point. I've definitely learned how to work with extremely difficult people because of her. I wish I could rely on people to be reasonable by that's not true. I tend to let people get to me, people like her will make me so so mad and I've definitely learned a lot about not letting it bother me and just prioritizing my own duties and dealing with it. It's just so aggravating when you want people to smarten up lmao