My little brother is being bullied

[kissfromarose]

As the title said one of my little brothers is being bullied. He's 15 and though small for his age seemed fine till a year ago. Then I noticed bruises on his arms and legs. He said he got them when playing rugby and football. He became withdrawn and stayed in all the time. He prefers to confide in me as opposed to my parents so when he finally admited he was being bullied I was so relieved to finally know what was wrong. I picked him up from school a couple of times to see if my presence would deter the bullies. It did. They said and did nothing when I was there. Unfortunately I have college and work so can't realistically do this every day. I eventually convinced him to speak to my parents and a letter was sent to the school. The bullies had to write apology letters and their parents were informed.

Despite this my brothers behaviour has spiralled out of control. He's either ranting at me or ignoring everything with his headphones in. He comes out with the family but will run and hide in shops if he sees anyone from his school. Even dragging me with him so no one sees me. I tried to speak to him over and over but he won't say anything. My parents and me sat down to chat about it and they decided it was best that I speak to him because he is more likely to listen to me and open up. This plan backfired slightly when he told me the bullying was much much worse now and more widespread with groups of people doing it instead of just one or two people. But after that I thanked him for speaking to me finally and reached out to hug him. He then slapped me round the face so hard I was knocked off my feet. He screamed that he hated me and I left the room. I know he is lashing out because he's hurting and confused but how can I help him? I suggest lots of options including councelling but he doesn't want to hear it. I have other brothers younger than him and I am terrified he will hurt them. My parents are doing their best but they don't know what else to do now either.

Any advice will be gratefully recieved.

Amy
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[Chris]

Hi Amy. Well it seems that the letter to the school only worsened the bullying, which doesn't leave your family with many choices.

This is obviously affecting your brother is a horrible way, and the best plan of action at this point in time is to tell your parents that they need to go to the school have have a meeting with the principal and social worker. I wouldn't even tell your brother about this, but instead just tell your parents. See, with this being done, and then awaring the school that the problem has still not stopped, they will have to do something more about this problem: which should be a suspension and in some cases expulsion from the school.

If after this meeting nothing changes, then the last option may come up: pulling your brother out of that school, and letting him go to a new school.

See, in a case of bullying, this isn't a game, nor is it funny. Bullying often leads to self harm (cutting, burning, etc), or in extreme cases hurting others or suicide. Like I said, talk to your parents, make a meeting take place between your parents, and the school - then hopefully the problem will end. If not, then your parents may have to withdrawal your brother from that school.

Please feel free to keep me updated.



Best wishes,
Chris

[kissfromarose]

Thanks for your advice Chris. I think my parents would be reluctant to pull my brother out of the school because he had to pass a very difficult exam to get in and it is one of the best schools in the country. Also he only has one more year there before he can tranfer and do A levels elsewhere. Having self harmed myself I have spoken with him and kept my eyes peeled to any hint that he might be self harming. I know he does have a good group of friends at the school as well and I believe they are supporting him though reluctant to try and stop the bullies for fear of becoming targets themselves.

I will speak with my parents tomorrow and discuss all you have said.

Thank you again.

Amy
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[Chris]

Well hopefully it wont have to come to the point where your parents will even have to think about pulling your brother out of school. No kid/teen should have to transfer schools because of unwanted bullying.


I hope all goes well, and please feel free to update me, and let me know how everything goes.




Best wishes,
Chris

[WhisperingSilence]

Could your brother take some self defense classes of some description it will help boost his confidence and teach him self defense, so he can if and when need be defend himself against the bullies.

As the bullies themselves - the bullies sound cruel and mean. And to me it sounds like harassment and you could have grounds to get them spoken to by the police for physical assault and harassment.
I have found that with bullies that they often fear the police.

Maybe you could suggest to your brother that he records a diary of when the bullying happens, the names of the bullies and what they are doing so that then your brother has the evidence to take it to the teachers, police and school governors.

Self defense classes may also help him with his anger and give him a safe release for his anger.

[Anonimous]

Well don't take this the wrong way, But don't you or your brother know any guys tougher then those bullies? Just intimidate them a bit and your brother will be left alone.
I once saw a guy getting bullied a lot, then i told those bullies to go away and leave him alone or they would have a problem. They immediatly apologized and left him alone. I know this is a kind of strange answer. But for some people it works better then to go to the authorities. Im just trying to help.

[kissfromarose]

I realise at five foot nothing I am hardly scary to these six foot boys but I may ask a friend we call Tall Tom to pop along with me to meet him. Anything is worth a try rather than letting him suffer anymore.

I don't want him to get like I did and have a school phobia (though mine was down to a teacher).

I will chat to Tom tomorrow and see if he would mind.

Thanks

Amy
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[Anonimous]

Soo, Had any succes?

[kissfromarose]

Originally Posted by Anonimous

Soo, Had any succes?

Yes actually. Despite the fact that I know Tom wouldn't harm a fly he played the menacing friend perfectly. The reaction of the bullies was pretty funny. When Tom asked if there was a problem they couldn't run away fast enough. Since then nothing and slowly I'm getting my little brother back! His personality is so different its incredible really. I don't think I fully understand how bad things were for him. Now I'm cautiously opptimistic.

Thank you for all the advice everyone!


Amy
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[OMFG!You'reActuallySmart!]

I would keep an eye out still because similar to the first time when you spoke to the bullies, they may retaliate. Granted, it seems different the second time around because one 5 ft girl probably can do nothing more than scream at several 6 ft guys, although Tall Tom carries a greater threat even if he wouldn't hurt a fly. Does Tom go to the same school as the bullies? If so, they may figure out Tom looks menacing but really is a puppy and your brother will have it even worse. If not, then it should be good, perhaps have Tom tag along a few more times just to ensure the bullies are at bay.

Self-defense classes can be great for your brother but there are several things to consider. After his initial few classes, as much as he may want to use his knowledge, it'll fail. I say this from first-hand experience because I do help teach self-defense and have been doing martial arts for 8-9 years. Quite often the students are bullied or abused and they become angry and resentful after attempting to use their little knowledge but it backfires. If Tom cannot come with you or by himself, or if he no longer can intimidate, then you need to find someone who can. In high-school and less so in university, several of my good friends were bullied, although 1 of them knew a fair amount of martial arts. I won't physically harm anyone unless I truly need to, so I intimidated them verbally, which sometimes went easier than I thought, other times one of them threw a punch and I put them in painful but not yet harmful techniques (unless I applied more pressure). I told them to quit hassling my friend, otherwise I'm going to be upset and we'll need to have a second chat.

[kissfromarose]

Originally Posted by OMFG!You'reActuallySmart!

I would keep an eye out still because similar to the first time when you spoke to the bullies, they may retaliate. Granted, it seems different the second time around because one 5 ft girl probably can do nothing more than scream at several 6 ft guys, although Tall Tom carries a greater threat even if he wouldn't hurt a fly. Does Tom go to the same school as the bullies? If so, they may figure out Tom looks menacing but really is a puppy and your brother will have it even worse. If not, then it should be good, perhaps have Tom tag along a few more times just to ensure the bullies are at bay.

Self-defense classes can be great for your brother but there are several things to consider. After his initial few classes, as much as he may want to use his knowledge, it'll fail. I say this from first-hand experience because I do help teach self-defense and have been doing martial arts for 8-9 years. Quite often the students are bullied or abused and they become angry and resentful after attempting to use their little knowledge but it backfires. If Tom cannot come with you or by himself, or if he no longer can intimidate, then you need to find someone who can. In high-school and less so in university, several of my good friends were bullied, although 1 of them knew a fair amount of martial arts. I won't physically harm anyone unless I truly need to, so I intimidated them verbally, which sometimes went easier than I thought, other times one of them threw a punch and I put them in painful but not yet harmful techniques (unless I applied more pressure). I told them to quit hassling my friend, otherwise I'm going to be upset and we'll need to have a second chat.

I completely understand where you are coming from. Tom actually studies in a college up the road so has offered to walk my brother home a couple of days a week to be in the safe side.

I am working on convincing my mum to let him do self defense or some sort of martial art but she is very 'anything can be solved peacefully and with good communication' so its taking some time.

I really hope this is the end of it but I'm not going to take it as being over and done with.

Amy
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[OMFG!You'reActuallySmart!]

Originally Posted by kissfromarose

I am working on convincing my mum to let him do self defense or some sort of martial art but she is very 'anything can be solved peacefully and with good communication' so its taking some time.

If it helps for your argument, almost every single martial art encourages using violence as infrequent as possible, even those that are used by various armed forces. You could also mention that martial arts teaches respect, obedience, etc..., so even if trained, your brother would be more likely to use peaceful communication rather than throwing down. Your mother probably is afraid of him getting hurt, which unfortunately may happen in training. For example, where I train we have classes based on age and in the pre-teen class, one of the students accidentally gave a head kick that was a bit too powerful and the kid was definitely dazed but not knocked out cold despite wearing head protection and foot/shin guards. Perhaps you could show your mother some of the peaceful sides to martial arts or argue it could boost his confidence and improve his behaviour. I'm sure there are polls of how martial arts has/can affect people's lives on other sites, although if you don't care about her seeing TH, there is a poll on TH. It was in the General section although I think it was moved elsewhere.

[JustACityBoy]

I don't necessarily have much advice for you, however, I can tell you a perspective. A girl who I'm pretty sure likes me knew I was being bullied.
I was just like your brother, I told myself, I could handle this. Learn karate, learn martial arts. Kick his ass next time he touches me. However, I was weaker then him, but I probably could injure his ass enough to the point he wouldn't touch me. Win, even, 60% chance. Quite confident in my punch speed and strength.
However, I didn't do that.
One day, it was gym, a douchebag and D told me to go in the lockers. Douchebag was actually my friend... listened to my problems and laughed in class, so of course I went in, we did some push ups to see who was stronger. D however, was like his little dick, constantly following him. He pushed me to a wall, and it didn't hurt, honestly, but the girl saw and she told him to back off, or else she's calling the principal.
Basically, it made me feel week. I said, "I was fine". Was I though? Not really.
To be honest, I never wanted help.
I think I couldve solved it... well, the result is me right now. Might be bad but..
This was when I was 13.
This is merely from perspective. However, I know one thing: That year sucked each time he was around, and I'm sure he was a factor in why I'm so anti-social now.

You should help him if you think he can't handle it. The emotional effects really hurt.
Otherwise, if you do help him, people are going to think he's a wimp. (again, totally my perspective and how I felt.) and cant defend for himself.

Edit: I forgot to add this very important thing. I shouldve defended myself. I feel crippling anger each time I remember I didn't.
My first act of defense was to push him, but it went bad, cause I lost my nerve, If I continued, however, we would've had a fight, and well, again, pretty confident. I was learning moves from a guy who sat next to me. Pretty good at them too.

So now, I see myself as a sheep. Fcking shouldve punched him...
However, it made me realize this: Dont let this ever happen to yourself.. EVER. Again! Bullies only prey on the weak, who don't retaliate. I saw him do the same to some skinny ass guy for some money.. I felt pretty bad seeing that and not doing anything. Well, I was scared of him and I kind of hated that skinny guy, he kept saying I had no friends in an angry way, and always called me a nerd, in an angry way. He wasn't a hotshot himself.

Currently, I HAVE been bullied once this school year. BIG guy, tall, muscular, chubby though, drew on my arm cause my fricking weird friend drew on my arm too, (I didn't allow it, but I never showed anger, so he kept drawing weird ass scribbles), and he drew on me too. I said back off man, he continued to do it, but the 3rd time, I pushed his hand, and he stopped. I am small too.. 5"3, some muscles visible.

edit: I just realized I wrote a novel. Sorry.
Summary: Helping him will make him lose his pride, and his manliness. However, if it's so serious to the point where he's hurt in the future, you have to help him.

[kissfromarose]

I understand what you mean but this has been going on awhile and I'm afraid in my opinion its better his ego be bruised rather than him.

Amy
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[JustACityBoy]

Originally Posted by kissfromarose

I understand what you mean but this has been going on awhile and I'm afraid in my opinion its better his ego be bruised rather than him.

Amy
x

I personally want to fight. Before I didn't, now I want too. I don't mind getting hurt anymore.. it's only the emotional pain that feels bad. I remember, me and my friend who lent Douchebag $5 and never returned it asked me this - what hurt more, the emotional pain, or the physical pain of being bullied?
I said, emotional pain. There are things you will never forget and things you will never be able to do.
This occurred on first week or 2nd week of this month.

The problem here is that I don't think he is just being bruised by itself, his ego is also being hurt, feeling like a hopeless guy each time he does get punched.
If it was me however, I'd teach him how to fight and maybe tell him my experience.

Personally, I think only childhood bullying is really what messes you up, but your choice was good, it just kind of wrapped everything up in an instant though.
If it was me however, I'd teach him how to fight and maybe tell him my experience. Wouldn't tell him what to do though..

edit: You should know the best though. Is he in a situation like and feels like him?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Seung-Hui_Cho
I'm so hesitant posting cause I don't want that to happen but I don't know him.

[kissfromarose]

I understand. It does seem like he won't get his self defense lessons any time soon as my dad has just lost his job so we can't afford much. I'm having to drop my photography class but I am getting him to use my free gym pass at college where he can do boxing and other training exercises which I hope will help his confidence.


Amy
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