"Feel bad for them."

[TH Anonymous]

[SIZE="a"]I began working with a new therapist two months ago and the main thing she has been focusing on is the bullying I've experienced in the past. I swear to god, it's like every session for the past eight or nine weeks bullying gets brought up and it takes up a significant part of my sessions. It is incredibly infuriating and I'm feeling like she might be gaslighting me or something to that extent.

She's basically been saying that I should feel bad for those who used to bully me. Feel bad for them because when we'd been young, those bullies probably had a rough home life or were being picked on themselves. Feel bad for them because they probably had a deadbeat father and a mother who relied on drugs to soothe or engage in illicit activities to provide for her family as a single mother.

I have absolutely no sympathy for my bullies. What excuses can I make for them, to justify what they might or might not have been going through? I am not able to make the connection between my traumas and the inner turmoil that might supposedly have been going on in those who gave me a hard time. But should I have sympathy for them? Should I see where they might've been coming from?

Personally, I give absolutely zero fucks about them. I can take it a step or two further, but that'd probably be breaking code of conduct or just generally make me look like an asshole; so I'll leave it here. Am I a bad person for not having any sympathy? Not being willing to try to rationalize where they were coming from or empathize with any difficult home lift they might've had?

She also says they probably grew up and are regretting the way they treated me back in the day. I find that hard to believe. I don't want their forgiveness; refer to the second sentence of the paragraph above for a vague idea of what I want from them.

Anyways, this is really upsetting to me and I'm not sure what to do.

I tried Googling it but it was of absolutely no help. Probably because I used a "hot button" word: "bullied".
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You’re not a bad person for not having sympathy for them. Just because they may have had a bad home life doesn’t mean that it cancels out everything they did to you. It doesn’t mean that they didn’t make your life hell. And just because they had a bad home life doesn’t give them the excuse to take it out on someone else. Not everyone who has a bad home life goes on to be a bully, and they could have found other ways to cope with what was going on with them.
You can also see where they’re coming from but not forgive them. Sure, they might have had a bad home life for whatever reason. It sounds like your bullying has had a lasting impact on you and as much as people say forgiveness helps people heal, I don’t think it’s required when someone has made you miserable like they did. There’s also no proof that they do regret it or that they remember it at all, but you sure do.
So, I don’t think you need to have sympathy for people who hurt you. You’re not required to validate them.
I’d also tell your therapist that you want to talk about something else in sessions and maybe give examples of things you want to focus on so that you don’t have to focus on bullying. But that’s another discussion!

[Mallika]

Hello there,

Thank you so much for sharing so openly about this. To be honest, I am quite surprised that your therapist is trying to get you to sympathise with your bullies of the past. It is generally difficult even for a third party to sympathise with bullies, let alone a person who has been bullied. Feeling upset about this matter, and not being able to sympathise with them, are totally understandable. I believe I would feel the same way in your shoes.

Possibly there is some truth to what she is saying (i.e. maybe your bullies in the past came from difficult home environments), but how do we know that for sure? Bullies can come from various walks of life. While we might try to imagine what their upbringing was like, bullying behaviour can never be justified or excused, in my humble opinion. Additionally, there is no way we can tell if they regret what they did, so it is rather strange that your therapist is trying to be so sympathetic towards them.

I'm sorry that this has been really hard for you. Being bullied is one of the most painful things and stays with us for a long time. You are justified to still feel upset and infuriated towards your bullies. Your therapist should ideally focus on supporting you and not manipulate you to think and feel a certain way about them.

Rapport and connection with a therapist are SO important. If you feel that this might not be the right therapist for you, I encourage you to seek other professionals if possible. One option is Better Help, an online professional therapy service: https://www.betterhelp.com

No matter what, you deserve to be supported in the best way possible. I wish you the very best.