Hey, this is about me and my past. I hesitated a while to share it. So I participated a bit first on this board to see what it's like.
I have the impression that you won't be quick to judge about the people so I hope you will try to understand my situation and not label me a d*ck.
It's a
wall of text, because I have to explain almost all phases of my life. It is easily readable though, so if you dare, please go ahead and read it all.
Please understand that I typed that entire wall of text without editing it much afterwards. I learned that just writing/typing away from the inside without thinking too much about it is most efficient in bringing most emotional information on paper.
The most important parts are highlighted in
bold. So if you are a tl;dr guy but still curious, yes then I'm talking to you, I highlighted them for you
Introduction
Started when I was about 11. I went to grammar school and did really well grade wise. But
my parents got divorced when I was very young, and it hurt a lot. I also
lost a good friend - my pet, because it moved out with my father. I could visit him sometimes, but I missed the pet a lot. But I still had my best friend - another pet, you guess
living with me. This is why
I, let's say,
was seeking attention often. I wasn't like a clown, but I may have seemed a little desperate. Also, I wasn't very attractive back then, because I was already in a
weak depression state and didn't take care of my looks so much. I was a really friendly guy who just wanted some attention and approval, but
90% of the class bullied me for my looks and behavior.
They bullied me whatever I did, even if it was just normal. I didn't pay attention to them, but even if I was just petting a stranger-cat they would all group together and laugh at me in public.
Phase 1: deep depression
I was out of tears. I couldn't cry any more, I lost hope. Nobody seemed to want to help me, everyone was just making it worse.
It had gone so far that I was scared to attend school. My grades plummeted as I missed an entire seven weeks of school, laying in bed all day all night.
The teacher knew I was being bullied but he was like "Don't bother with them...I couldn't talk it out of them anyway, so I just won't do anything". He was a friendly teacher however thinking back then, he could have saved me.
The pets my father took with him
died altogether, all of them died from the same rare injury on their leg, one every year. The injury couldn't spread or anything, it was just a rare thing to occur. The vet had no idea how it could happen twice considering we/my father only got 2 pets. I thought my life was cursed. Altho they weren't so very important to me, I used to visit them often and we were friends. Nevertheless
all the losses left me emotionless. I couldn't cry and it didn't even hurt a bit. I was emotionally dead.
My not really caring mother
sent me to some
therapist who I didn't like. She (the therapist) thought she could understand, but she understood bollocks.
I felt like nobody could ever understand me, so I shut myself off.
I was given some pills to take,
antidepressants. They made me feel really numb and dead, and I stopped taking them. Not because I felt they were bad for me, but because I didn't care, really.
I tried suiciding eight times. I still seemed to have a spark of life inside me, so I didn't succeed. Also, one time the apothecary saved me from doing it.
Come to think of it, I think my best friend, my cat, saved me from suicide back then. I still had someone dear to me.
My cat pet once got injured, my mom said
my classmates tried to hurt or even
kill my cat. We moved away to another city.
Phase 2: hope returns
I don't know how or why, but at some point I got a spark of hope back. I started caring more for my looks. Was still a guy with no human friends (I've had some people trying to get me out of my place to hang out sometimes, but
I shut myself off - It was my mistake), but
my cat made me incredibly happy sometimes. He was my very best friend, and I had him for about 10 years already.
Phase 3: blooming
I've left the bullying behind me, thanks god
I was out of that school. I made the best out of it and changed my looks and personality. In the new school basically
nothing could shatter me. After all I survived what I went through, and either one suicides or survives it and gets very, very strong from fighting so bravely.
With some time I got decent looking and decently confident. I had some flaws I didnt even notice, and nobody told me about them, and people seemed to rather make fun of it. But this time I really didn't care. I wouldn't fall back again. My grades were still shit because there was too much going on / too much to recover from, and the teachers were as*holes. It didn't really matter. I had a degree that was good enough to start looking for a decent job.
My
cat got taken away from me, and that was the
first time for years that I cried for days. I felt a loss, it hurt a lot.
My emotional senses weren't completely numb any more. But it was OK as it was, he gave me so much support in the past I could go on without him if I had to. I'll never forget him.
Phase 4: confidence beast
I developed core confidence. A "I dont give a fuc.k about what you think about me"-attitude and the knowledge that nothing could bring me down any more. I took martial arts lessons and got good at it. My looks actually got really good after years of taking care of myself. I would call myself attractive. And it only got better. My grades got great. Also I seem to have something that makes me an excellent leader.
People always pick me as their social group and working group leader without me asking for it, and with time it was just natural for me to lead a group in every situation.
I felt it was the right thing for me, because I could use everyone's potential well, make wise decisions and
would be able to make sure nobody gets discriminated!
Someone fell in love with me (I didnt return the same feelings). Because I still wanted some approval inside, I agreed to get together with her to give it a try.
But she got worried quickly. She said she felt strange around me, and that she saw hatred and pain in my eyes all the time. People would avoid me and some feared me (it was true, even those in commanding positions would kiss the ground with their eyes after looking into mine for a second). She didnt know what happened, and I wouldn't tell her. But she told me to go see a therapist for my own sake. I said I did in the past, and that it was miserable. They can't understand.
But she was stubborn and asked me to choose between losing her or seeing the therapist.
I ditched her without hesitation. It's really sad because
it broke her heart, I think she really loved me. I knew I was an ass for doing it, but I didn't regret it.
It was later that I realized that she was right.
I became so confident that soon after reading some theory,
I could live a "Player" lifestyle, starting slowly in 2009 getting an abundance of women by simply stopping strangers in their tracks and starting to flirt.
Women kept telling me that they felt strange around me (on a date or after a lay), like as if there was no spark of love in the air. Nevertheless I attracted many of them.
I've had another one fall in love with me, and I ditched her. It was another cruel move of me, it's like the current me is from the opposite dimension. I am only waiting for them to develop feelings towards me, then break their hearts.
I am not proud of it! But it is a satisfying feeling. Whenever I realize somebody is completely into me, I feel the past come up, feel hate, tell myself that it's big payback time and hurt them emotionally and shut myself off from them.
The odd thing is that I can imagine having a happy relationship sometimes. Maybe I am even looking for that. But I won't give them a chance. I feel controlled by hatred.
My first ex told me it sometimes scared her looking into my eyes, it would give her the creeps, she said. Keywords she mentioned back then are "cold", "hateful", "merciless" and even "possessed". There were more I don't remember. She is a great girl who is able to tell others' emotions easily by looking them into the eyes and watching their body language. She is unique. But I realized too late that she is not crazy.
Surprisingly, when I am with a cat on my lap I feel warmth, and women around me would stop getting the creeps from looking me into the eyes.
You probably noticed by now that I am a cat freak
They can conquer my heart within seconds and make me happy!
Other things that may be of importance:
- I respect and protect every animal I see. When somebody tries to hurt an animal, I will hurt him or her. I don't feel any mercy, I once injured someone because he threw stones at a cat (again, I'm not proud of hurting people!
). The cat got away bleeding but is fine today. I will step in with violence if someone tries to kill a fly for fun. Humans are cruel, they can still throw the fly outta the window without torturing it, can't they? Those humans don't value others lives, so their life has no value to me. That doesn't mean that I will kill them, but I do what it takes to save innocents.
- Animals love me, I have only had a single animal in my life not liking/trusting me on first sight. Usually even scared cats run up to me and cuddle. On my class trip back then I've had a scaredy cat come up to me and lay down and sleep on my legs. The owner said it was the first time this ever happened. Unsurprisingly, my classmates took that chance to laugh and bully me for having found a new friend.
- Also I try to help everyone who reminds me of myself in the past. I saved someone from suiciding twice and helped him against the bullies. Just spending hours helping a stranger get his life straight makes me happy.
- Am protective. I am not weak any more and would step up for every weak person in danger.
I posted this thread because I felt the desire to finally let someone know what I feel. I want to find the right person in my life to tell them everything, I only want them to listen. Because I am fine now. It's still a burden I would like to share, but I don't think I need much help any more. It is, reviewing it all, really interesting to see how being a victim of bullying changed my personality and life in a certain way. I don't know what my personality and life would be like if I had had a happy childhood/puberty.
Because when I needed power, I often consciously remembered how I got bullied, and could convert that pain and hate to strength. It would help me when I was stuck in life, or even when working out. "Fueled by hatred" really hits the nail on the head.
Those of you who suffered as much as I did, how would you say it influenced your personal development? In what direction did it change you? Have you made similar experiences as I?
Sometimes I feel like a monster for what I have done (to those who I was important to). However I'm not an evil person. I couldn't control myself. It was something from deep within me rising up. I know what my ex meant when she called me possessed.
Bullying is cruel. Save the innocent!
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