Triggering: Extremely alone, and bullied by the kids who have it ALL.

[kyle123]

I know what it feels like.
(PLEASE READ THE WHOLE THING)

I don't understand what I've done to deserve this loneliness.

I'm 15 and I barely have any friends, definitely none that are girls. I have never had any relationship with a girl and I'm absolutely sure I never will. I have always been nice to people, so what have I done to deserve this?
PLUS, I truly feel like I'm a waste of life. There's nothing that I'm good at. I'm extremely un-athletic, extremely stupid, and people who have girlfriends, etc (even though they clearly don't deserve them) only make fun of me for never having one, as if it isn't already bad enough. I'm also made fun of so much for being stupid and un-athletic.

I remember one time on valentines day at school (the loneliest time of the year for me) there was this thing that the school did where they sold valentines that people could write to and from on (or from anonymous) and the school people would give them out to the person the valentines were made out to on valentines day. They costed 2 dollars each. I bought one and anonymously sent it to this girl I liked. It had candy and stuff in it, and I thought it would be nice. Come valentines day, I felt so lonely being the only one without a valentine sitting around other people who had them. Even the other lonely kids had them.
BUT THEN, the class rep. came up to me and delivered a valentine that someone had sent to me in the middle of the day. I was so excited, like a kid on Christmas morning. Someone actually cared about me! That's what I THOUGHT. I open up the bag. The valentine says,
"to Kyle, from Drop Dead. P.S: hows Pre-Algebra going?" Plus there was nothing in the bag except for a drawn picture of me with a rope around my neck hanging from the ceiling with x eyes and a pre-algebra book in my hand.
And the kid who sent that to me is tall, athletic, has a girlfriend, and is in pre-calculus. How could god give this horrible person everything?!?! I NEED AN ANSWER!!!!!!!!

I have been agnostic for a long time but I took up religion because of my confusion, but I don't even know if I can even be involved with any religion anymore because what has come out of it? If god does exist, he's just terrorizing me for his own fun. I'm so confused.

I see those girls on twitter saying, "i'm so alone. if ur alone out there know there's someone else out there just like you," YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT REAL LONELINESS IS LIKE! YOU HAVE A BOYFRIEND, YOU'RE POPULAR, YOU'RE ATHLETIC, YOU'RE SMART!!! GET OVER YOURSELF!!!! YOU TALK OF ALL THIS LONELY CRAP YET WHEN YOU SEE A REAL LONELY KID LIKE ME, YOU JUST IGNORE ME THINKING, "WHO CARES ABOUT HIM?" CAN'T I AT LEAST GET A DAMN PITTY DATE OR SOMETHING?!?!?! WHY DOES NO ONE CARE ABOUT ME?!?!?!?!?!?!

I feel like dying. If there was a button I could push that would immediately kill me, I would write a huge suicide note to all the people who should hear it, saying that they are the reason I died. I will write a note to that guy who sent me that drop dead stupid valentine telling him that he killed me, then while I'm in the afterlife watching him, he'll be in JAIL! Or will he? It's not like the police will even care about me.

[Chris]

Well, I cant answer any of your questions. No one can. I'm sorry that you feel the way you feel about the situation, and I'm sorry your in that situation at all.

I can kind of related. When I was in 7th-8th grade I was fat. I was ugly. I was the chubby kid who ran around the halls trying to get to class early. I didn't have many friends, I knew alot of people, but still kept to myself. I was bullied, made fun of, and often found myself in alot of fists fights. I would go home only to sit in my bedroom alone, other than when my mom came in the room to beat me (which was an everyday thing). I couldn't speak out against anyone, I had 0 confidence, I had 0 self esteem, and I just wanted to kill myself because, who would honestly care, right?

One day my brother came to see me (he previously moved out to get away from the abuse at home), he saw the conditions in which I was, and in which I was living. He looked me in the eyes, and told me "everything will get better, I promise". You know how many times I heard that? You know how many times I thought things are going to get better? Well, when he told me this I felt different. I felt like he way right. He motivated me to improve my life, instead of crying about it. To change my attitude, instead of planning my death. And I did.

I lost weight, I got contacts instead of glasses, I took leadership classes (to build confidence), I became a peer mediator over the summer (going into freshman year), I started counseling, and more journaling, I cut off all my old ties to 'buddies'. And when I walked into my first day of high school (and I remember it like it was yesterday), things changed. I can honestly say that my freshman year was the best year of my life. I made huge amounts of friends, I was confident beyond believe, I was in decent physical condition, and the most important thing: I was accepted for who I was. My life still remains the same (even after 4 years).

So, I know how you feel. I know how loneliness feels. Now, you can choose to remain lonely, or you can seek help and try to change things around. I know, I'd rather fight and fail, and automatically fail because I didn't even try. Only YOU can make a change, why not start today?


Best wishes,
Chris

[Phantom_Girl]

I am so terribly sorry you are in this situation. I am going though a similar one.

In my drama class, no one cares about me. They all prance around with their friends and lead roles. I know they talk about me when I'm not around. They do it to everyone. I have no friends in that class. And the friend I do have, I get into trouble with his girlfriend for even breathing the same air as him. She'd probably murder me if go to lunch with him again. (long story). I feel worthless, and like it wouldn't matter if I was there or not. But anyway, I'm alone too. I understand a little of what you re going though.

But no matter what, have hope. Things will always get better. You'll graduate. You'll leave these people in the dust. They will be a distant memory. You'll fly while they fall. Just don't loose hope.

There is a book called Night. I just fished reading it. It is a memoir about a boy who endured the holocaust. He lost faith in God, and questioned why God would let such horrible things happen. But he never lost hope, and he got out alive. He is now famous, and was even interviewed by Oprah.

Moral of the story: Don't loose hope. God does these things to test us. To see how strong we are. You are strong. I believe in you. The last thing I want you to do is die. You cannot die. There are people who love you. You just have to find them. Like Chris said, try first. You may fail, but you could also succeeded. Don't just jump to failing. If you try hard enough, anything is possible. Even flying. I'm sure if someone tried hard enough, we cold fly, time travel, teleport, etc. It's all about faith and hope.

PS: Did you consider changing schools? Or telling an adult what happened?